Evil Girl Scouts

Alan thinks the Girl Scout organization is evil.
Now after a statement like that, I should probably explain. You see, I brought home four boxes of Girl Scout cookies because a guy from work was selling them for his daughter. I always feel bad if I don't help support. Plus! They are Girl Scout cookies, yum.
So this morning while I am enjoying my coffee Alan sits down on the guest bed and tells me that he believes the Girl Scouts are evil. Why I ask.
His first reason, the reduced fat lemon pastry is in fact only reduced when compared to the "leading sandwich cookie". This apparently upsets him. He believes the Girl Scouts are secretly trying to make everyone fat while lining the vest pockets of the den mothers with riches.
Also, on one side of the box they have only white blond haired girls. Alan has come to the conclusion that the Girl Scouts are in fact . . . Nazi. He also doubts the possibility that a Girl Scout cookie can build a strong body since it is loaded with fat and calories.
So, to sum up, the Girl Scouts are evil people trying to get rich from their Nazi ways by making people fat and lying to them.
Alan is so strange in his old age, yes?

Adventures in Bryan

Paige and I went to get our hair cut last night. And while that is not interesting, the ride to the hair place was quite an adventure.
Paige and I are sitting peacefully at a red light when a loud truck with a trailer pulls up next to us. Seeing how it was such a nice night, I had my window down enjoying the breeze. Since my window was down, the (we will call them gentlemen but believe me they were far from it) 'gentlemen' in the truck began to make cat calls to us. Saying things like "whatcha doin tonight?" "whoo hooo!" and so forth.
I thought maybe I should politely show them the ring on my finger and maybe that would scare them off. I was wrong. That enticed the rather outspoken one to inform me that he was not married and he did not care if I was.
Classy.
The light finally, by the grace of God, turned green and we made the turn. However, the 'gentlemen' also turned and preceded to bombard us with hoots and hollers. All the while, the man in the passenger side was leaning so far out his side of the truck he could have lost an arm or at the very least get hit by a passing car.
After being rid of these 'gentlemen', Paige and I contemplated what kind of woman would actually be turned on by or stupid enough to respond to these kind of tactics.

This is what we came up with: (must have two or more)

1. The name ends in an I, like Tami or Shandi

2. missing at least one tooth

3. has extremely frizzy/fried curly died hair

4. chews gum with mouth open

5. wears leopard print pants with neon tube tops and high heels

6. knows how to cook opossum

Better Quality

So the DVD player that Alan and I received as a wedding gift is now broken. It was suppose to be top of the line and since day one, we have had problems with this machine.
But we are avid movie renters. We have that netflix thing. Best program ever!! We have been members for I think almost three years now. Anyhoo, we can't get our money out of it if we don't have a DVD player, right? right!
Our friends Brett and Heather were over last night and the broken machine came up. Brett says, quite intelligently, you can just use the x-box to play the movies. Alan replies, well we have to get the remote to make it work. I say ok, how much is that? Only forty dollars the men reply.
So I wake up this morning and ask Alan if he is going to go get whatever it is that we need to convert the x-box to a movie machine. We got this cartoon Home on the Range, I really want to watch it.
Well, I don't know if that is what I want to do Alan says. Why I ask? He says he is researching the whole DVD thing to see which would be best to get. But why spend more money than we need to if you can just get the converter thingy for the x-box I inquire.
Because I want something with better quality he states.
In my head, BETTER QUALITY?, YOU WANT SOMETHING SO THAT THE PICTURE LOOKS A MILIGRAIN BETTER AND YOUR GOING TO SPEND AT LEAST $100 MORE TO GET THIS? WHAT THE F*#K!?
Alan gets all gestapo on me when I come back from the mall, grocery store, sam's, anywhere that I could spend money and quizzes me on what I bought and why I paid what I did. But when it comes to his toys, apparently spending what we don't need to is okay.

I am so buying that new wok tonight.

Trash Day

So I just opened the trash can at work and I think something may have died in there.
Gross. I thought I might see my morning coffee again.
An overwhelming sense of dirtiness has crept up inside of me. I feel I must shower. And yet, I can not because I still have four hours of hell left to complete.
I am working the main store for the next two weeks. Very different.
We shall see if I am still sane after all is said and done. But there is now discussion on who should take the trash out.
You, her, anybody!! But you can damn sure bet on the fact that none of that is my trash, and just becuase I am filling in for awhile because the bosses are off to Russia to buy a wife, does not mean I am going to take that shit out. I will not!!!!

Ketchuppy

Did you know that the Heinz 57 plastic bottle actually says "meatloaf enhancer"?
This is weird to me, and my husband, who is currently shooting whip cream because the vodka and grapefruit juice is unsatisfactory. We have already finished the beer and I really need something else to drink.
He has also discovered a strange taste to the whip cream. I think maybe because it spent two months rolling around in the back seat of my 4runner.
Anyway, it is Saturday night and Alan and I are 'livin it up' at our apartment. Trying to get drunk so we can pass out and wake up tomorrow to a new, and hopefully promising day.
You see, I think Alan is secretly bored with me but is to kind to say so. Also, he is kinda shy, so really, he is stuck with me.
Isn't life great?

Janet Evanovich

This lady has written the funniest books I have ever come across in my life. I was laughing so hard at some parts that I was crying.
Alan's sister got them for me for christmas. Best present.
The books are One for the Money, Two for the Dough, Three to Get Deadly. Those are the ones I have read. There are more in the series.
Don't be put off by the titles. They are so much fun. I was sad when I was done.

Forbidden Fruit

Katara, that is the young cat, likes yogurt.
She follows Alan all around the house and looks up at him intently, almost as if she is willing him to give her a lick or drop the whole thing so she may feast on the forbidden milk product.
But she knows she will not get it. She throws up everytime.
Then after he finishes and throws the container away, she will retreat to the extra bedroom, lay on the bed, and pretend like she is not upset. But if you look close, you will see is pouting. Hours later she will come out and be around us. I think she likes to think she has punished us by not giving us attention for a while.
Such a strange animal.

Christmas Tree

It is January the 8th.
Our tree is still up.
Two unopened presents and about four opened presents still remain tucked under the branches.
And the cats have been teased to long. They are now attacking the tree with excitement and intensity.
We must take it down tonight.
But that is what all three of us have been saying since January first.
Perhaps we shall leave it year round.
We will be those people with their christmas tree still up.
People will point and laugh.
My mom will shake her head in disapproval.
No doubt the apartment will write us a letter saying they can see the tree from the window and could we please take it down so that the apartments all look uniform and presentable.
Bitches.
Don't try to make me conform.

I will not!

Interviews

So I have a job interview this morning. I don't really know what it is for. And I probably won't take the job if they offer, unless it is outstanding of course.
My mom tells me that my problem is that I don't know how to be an employee, just an employer. That I have never really learned how to use constructive criticism and I always take it to be mean and hateful when really the boss is just trying to help me be a better worker.
Basically, she is saying I am a control freak and I can't take orders.
Good call mom.
So my New Year Resolution, learn how to take orders and not have any of the following feelings: threatened/upset/mad/angry/hateful/loathing/will hunt you down in your sleep and knife your leg because you pissed me off
I am a little nervous about the interview. Last time I was interviewing for a job, one I actually really wanted and you will see why I did not get, the guy asked me what kind of organizational tools I used.
My answer couldn't have been educated or anything. No, my answer was "rubbermaid". I told him I wasn't really sure what they were asking for. I know now. Let's hope for non tricky questions today!!

Krispy Kreme

I ate four Krispy Kreme doughnuts within 20 minutes. Just now. Just like 10 minutes ago.
This can't be good.
I looked up the points. 5. 5 points a piece. That is 20 points I consumed past nine p.m. Much like the time it took me to eat them.
20 is a special number, no?!
But they were so good. I would do it again.
Not when Alan is watching though. He made the face. You know the one. It says 'you shouldn't be eating those, but I'm not gonna say anything because you will probably get upset and accuse me of calling you fat'.
He knows me well.