How did that happen?

Wow.  April already.  Really?
So much for blogging more.
Life has a way of taking over for me.  And by life, I mean my two kids and husband. 
They like, need things. 
But it has been a happy absence. 
I ran a fundraiser for my daughter's PTO, enjoyed spring break at my mom's house, my son turned 5 and we have been making plans for our 10 year anniversary this summer.
Also, I found out I have a brother.  My dad never knew about him and he found me and my sisters about 3 months ago.  It has been fun getting to know him.  It is sad he will never get to know who his father was, but my sisters and I are trying hard to make up for that.
So besides that lifetime movie of the week moment, things are simple for me here in Texas.
To which I am grateful.

New Year, of course

Life took over.  What can I say?  I got lazy.  That is probably the truth. 
The lure of one liners and obscure references of twitter swallowed me in.  I have two kids remember. And one is a kindergartner now.  And I am a room mom.  And joined PTO!
But anyway, life is goodish.
My babies are thriving.  The husband and I will celebrate 10 years this summer.  And I completed my first 5k, which happened to be the Zombie Run For Your Lives 5k. I jumped mud hills, crossed a balance beam over freezing water, climbed a thorny hill and dodged "zombies.  And totally enjoyed my free beer at the end.  And by free, I mean the beer built into the ungodly expensive admission ticket.
So it was  a great summer.  And fall.  I went to Italy!  My first overseas experience.  But I won't give details.  No reason people should feel jealous on the first day of a new year.
Ok.  I'm gonna blog more.  Promise.  Well, maybe.
But if you really need a little of me, head over to ourjourneyinfitness.wordpress.com .
The hubs and I are trying our hand at getting fit and at the same time putting our journey in writing for all to judge.

SUMMER!

My summer has officially started.
Alivia had her first dance recital, which went perfect!, and school is done as of last Wednesday.  At least for my kids.
We have nothing to do!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And let me tell you, this is a great feeling.
Oh!  And Jackson is FINALLY potty trained.  I was having nightmares of changing his diaper at 10 years old.
So basically, my life is perfect.
And it's summer.
And I am going to make all the recipes I have "pinned".
And I am going to buy bug repellent.  We had no winter here and the bug forecast is scary.
And I am going to get tan.
And I am going to sweat.
And I am going to complain about it being 104 degrees.
And I am going to drink beer by the baby pool.
Oh yes, I am going to enjoy summer. 

                                                             FAMILY PHOTO 2012

Creative Parenting

We all remember what a "handful" my son Jackson is. Right?
Timeouts don't work.
Spankings are nothing to him.
Take away his favorite toy, he says he doesn't care and laughs in my face.
He's not even 4 yet. I've given serious thought to boarding school. I'm just not sure of the financial logistics unless I become a drug runner. And well, that's never a good idea.
So I introduced wall sits. Anyone who has worked out knows these. Also referred to as an "Iron Chair" by some.
Anyhoo, they suck. And when your four, they really suck.

About a month ago I was at a breaking point. The kids were yelling/kicking/hitting/spitting. And it wasn't even 8 am yet. I had just gotten back from boot camp and thought that making them suffer through a body weight muscle building exercise might just work. (You should know that my boot camp is almost always solely and completely and horribly filled with body weight muscle building exercises. Which I openly have a love/hate relationship with.)
IT WORKED!!!
Alivia, who honestly is hardly ever bad, has been perfect since with the threat of more wall sits looming over her.
And Jackson, well, he is still Jackson, but a Jackson who pays attention a little more and acts downright frightful a little less.
I told some other moms about this and they were excited. "Oh, that is such creative parenting." For real, I just want them to stop being bad.

Coffee

I just realized that all I really need is coffee.
If I can have my morning coffee in peace, I mean real peace, then I'm good for the day.
No kid interruptions, husband needing something, cats fighting or whining for food, phone calls (from anyone!).
Just a 20 minute window of peace. With a huge cup of coffee.

That it may be

A new year?
Wouldn't' be complete without the obligatory Happy New Year! and this is what I have planned this year blog.
Honestly, I got nothing.
Ok, I guess that is not true. I do have plans for Valentine's Day already made, but if they fall through . . . then nothing.
I made no resolutions or goals.
Not by decision but just how it happens I am taking one day at a time. Not thinking of what I must be doing but what I want to be doing. This moment. Lucky for you I wanted to blog. ;)
Normally, this "fly by the seat of my pants" behavior would cause me anxiety. (People have plans. Who am I not to have one? That kind of thinking.)
My year was tough. I'd say more than I can handle, but I'm sitting here healthy.
So I am ok with my contentment in spite of being goal less.
I am going to live with this calm, happy feeling. (There's my resolution!)
And of course, HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!

On to the next one

Thanksgiving over.
Last game between A&M and t.u. done, complete with heartbreak.
Rocked my daughter's 5th birthday party .
Playroom reorganized and toys in bag to donate in prep of the nightmare that is Christmas.
Pumpkin center piece trashed.
House (I'm gonna clean that as soon as I'm done here)
On to the next one . . .

Sisters

My heart breaks thinking of this. I have two sisters. I'm pretty sure both hate me.
Like. For real. Ok, hate is strong.
Dislike, Let's go with that.
I'm not a sister who has been mean or told them hateful things.
They are just sisters who, in my mind, have made choices that make it hard for us to be friends. And somehow I feel guilty. I feel it's my fault for their situations.
(Or I am an egotistical crazy bitch cause i believe my way is better.)
Logically, I know, they may be fine with how they are living. In my heart, well that is different.
My heart.
Even here, where I know I am safe, I can't tell you how I really feel.
I spent the better part of last night in the fetal position. Sobbing. With no control. I woke up with a massive headache and a heavy heart. This happened because I love my sisters. Bound by blood or whatever it is, I long to have a healthy, loving relationship with them.
That feels like an impossibility.
And that statement make me sad.

"That kid"

My son has been proving himself to be "that kid". He is 3.
Picked him up from MDO today and the teacher's face said it all.
When I dropped him off that morning he was clingy and needed a little extra time adjusting to class. Which is totally abnormal for him.
Come to find out he ended up punching and kicking walls, collapsing to floor and then squirming and kicking when picked up and finally, my favorite, throwing a chair.
*sigh*
Please don't let my kid be a criminal later in life.

Judge Me If You Will

I made a second pot of coffee today.
Oh yes, I did.
And I'm going to drink ALL OF IT.
I will embrace the shakes when they hit me and ride the artificial energy wave into the afternoon.
I might just make it through the day.
My love of caffeine reaffirmed.

Grief Sweater

Basically, I have been walking around like a woman with no hope. No happiness.
I was wearing my Grief.
Toting it around and showing it the city. I would securely place it on my shoulders to start my day. Hell, I even curled up next to it in bed. Grief. I couldn't get enough of it. Like an addict, I would seek out other avenues of unhappy thoughts and actions just so I could keep my Grief around.
This makes me ashamed of myself. And don't' think that thought didn't help to keep Grief by my side. Cause it did.
On the outside I imagine I looked the same. Maybe my smile was a little forced. Maybe my eyes weren't as bright. But the same.
Something amazing happened about a week ago. I decided to take off the Grief Sweater. (I named it so that I could get rid of it)
I "hung" it up. Had to. My life was screaming at me to be lived and to live it happy and in the light.
I have two babies! Most would argue they need me. Also, I missed me. I missed my friends and my family. When you wear the Grief Sweater, no one appears to be who they were before. It changes your outlook on the world.
So I am thankful I can proclaim that I have escaped the dark. It calls to me still. But I'm not worried. If I ever visit again, I know the way out.

Long Summer

The kids were home all summer.
By that, I mean I didn't have them enrolled in any Mother's Day Out or camps (still a little young for them). So it was me. With them. All summer.
And this summer was difficult.
And if you were wondering, my son still refuses to be potty trained.
I may have to home school this little turkey because I doubt they wipe asses in kindergarten.
*sigh*
But today I rejoice in all things good.
Today is the first day of school (Mother's Day Out)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I will have 5 blissful hours to myself.

It has been a long summer.

BEACH HOUSE!

It is finally time to pack up the car, drive three hours, unpack car and sit my ass on the beach for six straight days.
Oh, and I decided to go ahead and go bungee jumping with the hubs.
Don't be jealous. I need this vacay. BAD.

A Housewife's Birthday

5:00 am - Get up

5:30 - Boot camp

7:00 - Shower

7:15 - Sit on couch exhausted

7:17 - Take care of babies that just woke up, start laundry, take a child to the bathroom, make breakfast, comfort crying child, break up fight, kiss husband goodbye, start show on netflix, break up fighting cats, facebook, more laundry, clean up milk off floor, get coffee, comfort crying child

11:30 - Make lunch

12:30pm - Put kids down for nap

12:31 - Bribe kids to stop talking and fall asleep

12:32 - Spank kids for climbing on side of bunk bed like you have told them a million times not to do

1:00 - Fall asleep among laundry sitting on bed needing to be folded

1:45 - Wake up to kids climbing on you

2:00 - Dress everyone in bathing suits and sunscreen

2:10 - Get in baby pool, become a dolphin/mermaid/sea monster

3:30 - Dry everyone off, change into big tshirts, make popcorn, watch a movie, do laundry, facebook, wipe a child's ass, answer emails, make important phone call so the kids have a reason to start fighting and screaming

5:30 - Praise a god for your husband returning home from work

5:33 - Start dinner, hide from kids, facebook

7:45 - Give kids bath and all other night night related things

8:30 - Rock kids goodnight

8:45 - Sit on couch exhausted, with wine in hand

10:00 - Blessed sleep

How can death make life so different?

Once I started blogging again (if you remember, I took a break and had some babies) I vowed to make my posts, at least most of them, upbeat, fun, positive. Cause that is who I am. Or at least the person I want to be.
So now I am sad. Incredibly sad.
Sad to the point that I am sure the word sad is insufficient in describing how I feel.
And I want to tell all of you and myself that the only way to live is with love and light in your life. But damn if I'm having a hard time living that way.
I find the motions of everyday life exhausting. I cringe at the thought of being around people.
Tears are ever present accompanied by a dull headache.
I know, "this to shall pass".
I am sorry to anyone I have ever uttered that phrase to. They are not words of comfort.
I looked up the steps to grief.
Denial.
Anger.
Bargaining.
Depression.
Acceptance.
You can see, I am juggling a couple of those at once here. I like to multitask.
So today I'll go to the grocery store. I'll make my kids lunch and dinner. I'll play in the pool with them. I'll read them stories and rock them before bed.
And I'll do all this feeling different than I did two weeks ago.
I'll do all this incredibly sad.
How can death make life so different?

I buried my Dad today

He passed away Friday, July 22nd. I was in charge of funeral arrangements and I am in charge of everything that happens from here to wrap up his estate.
I have been running in administrative mode for the most part.
Of course there have been tears. And a little shaking of the fist to the man upstairs.
But my Dad has found a peace I will one day understand and I know I have to live my life as best I can in order to be with him again one day. He'll be missed. And he'll still be loved.
These are the words I spoke today at his funeral.

"This is going to be short. I dropped speech in college and dad told me to make it quick and get on with the party.

We sometimes define ourselves as lovers or fighters. I asked dad once what he thought he was. He said “a lover, . . . well, . . . most of the time”.

I agree.

He loved god, his country, his friends.

He loved women. All of them.

He loved rum & cokes, easy on the coke. Coffee and cigars.

He loved sunrises, Butterfinger blizzards, short cuts down questionable back roads.

He loved heavily starched jeans, button down shirts, boots and cowboy hats.

He loved Sunday mornings, tacos, making his own taco shells, football season, bbq’s and naps during halftime.

He loved to fish, to hunt. To eat what he had fished and hunted.

He loved trips to the farm. His mom and his dad. Spending time with his brothers and sister. His family.

He loved his childhood in Puerto Rico and having the opportunity to live in so many different places.

He loved to travel and loved his work.

He loved his children. He loved to get his way.

My dad loved a lot.

So I agree with him. He was a lover, most of the time."

Much Needed

I planned my mom's bday celebration back in April. I rented a fancy hotel room at the Stoneleigh Hotel & Spa in Dallas. Along with a spa package that includes a massage, facial and body wrap.
And when I booked this ultra fab bday gift, I was like, man, this is going to be fun.
Now, well now, I'm thanking every God in every way for the fact that the bday weekend celebration is happening this weekend.
My dad has been in the hospital for over a week and while dealing with that I still have a child who refuses to use the potty all the time.
I need a break, ya'll.
A serious, do nothing, think of no one but myself break.
As if you needed confirmation, I will definitely be having a drink at the bar upon arrival and before departure. (My mom is driving :)

Honeybadger!!

Have you seen this video?
If you haven't. You must.
Now.

Parenting is tricky ya'll.
For real.
Currently I'm trying to teach my kids not to run outside naked.
Not to play with themselves when they are around others.
Oh, and to stop them from touching my "parts".
But the thing is I'm trying to teach them these lessons without also inadvertently giving them self-esteem and body issues.
I'd like them to be comfortable in their bodies and sexuality.
Cause not being, well, I've done that. Not so great.
Like I said, tricky.

Boot Camp

I was having no luck motivating myself to work out.
So I signed up for a 6 week boot camp.
Oh my . . . .
Yesterday was my first day, and today, I can feel every muscle in my body.
Some are screaming in pain.
But it was so fun. And I am REALLY looking forward to going Wednesday morning!
This is all I have.
If I sit much longer I won't be able to get up.