It has begun

This morning I woke up early. Of course. I automatically wake after 5.44 hours of sleep. It just happens.
But today, Alan got up shortly after I did and we went jogging.
That's right. I jogged.
Never mind the fact that I felt like I was being punished for something I had done most of the time. Or the fact that my trachea is still burning and tingling from the extra, frantic, intakes of air. Or the realization - brought on by the constant rubbing of my thighs against each other - that I have really packed on the winter pounds.
But in all, I would have to say not a bad way to start the morning.
Alan and I have decided to "get in better shape". He is secretly hoping I will become strong and fearless so we can go on the fear factor couples show and win a million dollars. But I will NEVER be able to eat something disgusting. Sorry babe!
We also went to church yesterday. Which was a first in many months. I guess when I think about it. I am trying that whole "be a better person, go out and get what you want" thing.
And I know, I have done this before.
But this time. This time I feel different.
Last week I had a medical situation and honestly thought I was gonna die. And I kept thinking that if I was healthier and nicer and a better person, this wouldn't be happening. And as silly as that sounds - I gotta try.
Plus, Alan really wants me to wear tank tops and show my belly. So, I gotta do it at least for that.

Mr. Weatherman

What is it about meteorology that gets those weather men so excited?
I was watching the news last night, I don't do it often cause it depresses me, and the weather guy on there was so fun to watch.
He was talking about an air mass moving in and lots of rain. When he was showing the air mass his eyes started to sparkle and he did that slight eye brow raise that says, "This is really important and cool, better pay attention"
Then he gave this disturbing little chuckle and grin when he told us we were in store for A LOT of rain.
He was genuinely excited about the fact that we in the Brazos Valley are going to be drenched, once again.
When he did the temperatures he wasn't as animated.
Your probably wondering, how can someone be animated when talking about temperature. But I assure you, he was.
I think the weather man may be sick.
Crazy in the head kind of sick.
I shall watch him every night now. I am addicted to his madness.

Negative Nelly

I remember going to school one morning with my mom when I was like seven or eight. I can't remember if I was in second or third grade.
Anyhoo, it was the third or fourth morning that my mom and I were fighting as soon as we got into the car. Don't ask me to recall what we were fighting about, I was seven! Before I got out of the car my mom looked at me and with pleading eyes, she asked me if we could try not being so negative and instead be happier when we are around each other. "Let's actually try to enjoy each other"
You see, my mom had just got remarried at this point and I wasn't receptive to the new life at the time.
And just like that, our relationship got better. We still fought of course, but even at that young age my mom reasoned with me and called me out on my attitude and her own. We were being negative nellys, she says. So our attitudes changed and we began having fun.
We started a Thursday night date night. She would take me somewhere, just the two of us. Dinner, movie, anything. I looked forward to those Thursdays.

I wish I could have one of those Thursdays more than anything right now. I miss my mom terribly. I feel so lost. And I feel so negative. I feel like everyone around me is negative.
And I have no idea how to fix it or even make it a little better.

I think I might actually still be ten

Alan wants me to mention my movie experience from last night.
You see, I have been kind of restless and didn't want to sit at home doing nothing. So we decided to go see a movie. I told him to pick. He said Boogeyman. I said ok. So we go the the theater, get the tickets, and of course, purchase a water. I've felt really dehydrated lately.
Anyhoo, we make our way to our seats and I begin to do my pouty look so that he will go back and grab me a pretzel. After a couple of minutes with the pouty look, he does. Fabulous!
Alan returns right when the previews start. I begin to munch on my pretzel, I asked if he wanted any, he said no. The second preview is for a scary movie. It is then that I realize I haven't been to see a scary movie in the theater since that really bad valentine one with David Boranez (sorry if I spelled his name wrong) and the noxema girl.
Want to know why, cause I'm gonna tell you.
I don't like scary movies.
Nope.
Not unless I am in the comfort of my own home, with blankets, and lights blaring.
And yes, I am still a little afraid of the dark.
So I watched Boogeyman from behind the fingers that covered my face. Believe me, I saw enough. On the way home I joked with Alan that I was going to have bad dreams.
Around two o'clock I started to scream in my sleep. Waking Alan. The boogeyman was there. He comforted me and held me. He then got up to go to the restroom. As soon as he passed the closet door, I heard and saw it open and then heard and felt something under the bed. Alan of course says it was my imagination.
But guess who has to turn on all the lights in the room before I will enter.

Happy Heart Day

It is freaking Valentine's Day.
The day of last minute shoppers who will spend almost anything because they only have a couple hours till they see their loved one.
Aren't commerical holidays the best?

Inner Me

Well, I was watching Garden State last night. Good flick.
Although I was uncomfortable half the movie and wanted to ball the second half, with little bits of laughter and anger thrown in.
I haven't felt all those emotions in a two hour setting since, . . . well I really can't remember.
But there was this one part that really got to me. And had Alan not been sitting there with me, I probably would have broke down.
It was when they are in the pool and Zach Braff is talking about where home is. I always associate "home" with my mom and Derrell. They recently moved, so the house is totally not what I grew up in. I have no real attachment to the house. But it is still home. Right?
I mean, am I suppose to have a different definition of home since me and Alan are married? Am I suppose to only feel "home" when I am with him and in our house(apartment).
Which got me thinking.
Have a made another wrong decision in saying we will stay in College Station?
Am I suppose to move back to Dallas?
Am I ever going to find a job I love?
Is Alan happy?
What is his definition of home?
Am I enough for him?
Does he still love me?
What should I get for Valentine's day?
Did I turn off the ultrasonic at work?
Do you think the cats are happy?
How am I ever going to make a good mom?
Will they feel at home?
Will they hate me?
What am I doing with my life?
Why do I feel like I have been walking around in someone else's life?
What would my friends think if they found I wasn't really the person they think I am?
Do they know already?
Does Alan?
How do I become the person I want to be?

The Monday After

Was anyone else disappointed by the Superbowl commercials?
I, like many Americans, watched the Superbowl for the commercials. I look forward to them. But this year they really seemed below par.
And the one with the convertible mustang, not funny after you see if every thirty minutes. They really should have had something different.
Not that I know, well, anything about advertising. I was just saying.
Loved the Bud Light commercials though. Great job on those.

No more BLT's for dinner

I dreamed my mom was getting rid of almost all her clothes and tons of stuff in her house. And my boss John was going to buy it all and then auction it off. So I was like, hey I want that and that and that. She had this gold asymmetrical strapless top. So very cute, so not my mom.
Then when I went to the garage I saw there were two pink Cadillacs. One for Derrell and one for my mom. She informed me that her caddy was a little shorter so that she could park easier.
Then I was at the beach but not really. Cause I was still in Texas, and we don't have real beaches. But my friends Brett and Heather lived in this phatty beach condo and I was like wow, and it only takes you 25 minutes to get to work? That is great! And the entire time I was thinking in my head, where is the freaking bathroom I have had to hold myself for hours.
I am tired this morning. I have been all over Texas in one night!

The worst father in the world actually isn't mine

Ok
I need for you all to do a little imagination exercise with me.
Close your eyes (after you read what to do).
Imagine a 400 pound man, not showered in days, has just ran three miles in the dead of summer. He then lifts his armpit. Can you smell it?
Now combine that smell with the smell of dead rotting fish.
Take a moment.



This smell came into the store the other day. It brought with it, the most horrible, irritating, and downright strange little girl. I think she was almost four. Now I like children. But she was a breed all her own. I can honestly say I really really disliked her and when they left . . .I was happy.
While her smelly fat father was looking at coins and trying to ever so secretly pocket them (your fat, we see when your pudgy little arm makes to put something in your coat!), she talked to me and Paige and Gretchen.
Now, Gretchen and Paige have much more patience. So they actually talked to her and tried to keep her from screaming and running in the store as she was doing previously. I just stared at her. Gretchen kept asking her what color things were. She got to her pants and the girl replied, "Poo poo". I laughed. Thought that was kind of funny.
A few minutes later I realized that the little girl was actually very smart. You see, she still had on a diaper and she had taken a shit while standing there talking to us.
Gretchen then went to get a coke and some candy. The little girl screamed that the coke and candy was bad for you and to stop drinking/eating it. We reassured her it was alright if you were over twenty to drink coke and eat candy.
Gretchen then told her not to lie or her nose would grow. Something else to mess with her already fragile little mind. So the little child starts to cry because she doesn't want her nose to grow. An hour passed and they thankfully left. Poop and all.
It is rare times like those that I remember why I didn't go into teaching.
And I am glad.

Paige's favorite joke

So, these two men walk into a bar.
The third ones ducks.
Get it?

Please send me new jokes.
I haven't the energy to pretend laugh at all the others.

Evil Girl Scouts

Alan thinks the Girl Scout organization is evil.
Now after a statement like that, I should probably explain. You see, I brought home four boxes of Girl Scout cookies because a guy from work was selling them for his daughter. I always feel bad if I don't help support. Plus! They are Girl Scout cookies, yum.
So this morning while I am enjoying my coffee Alan sits down on the guest bed and tells me that he believes the Girl Scouts are evil. Why I ask.
His first reason, the reduced fat lemon pastry is in fact only reduced when compared to the "leading sandwich cookie". This apparently upsets him. He believes the Girl Scouts are secretly trying to make everyone fat while lining the vest pockets of the den mothers with riches.
Also, on one side of the box they have only white blond haired girls. Alan has come to the conclusion that the Girl Scouts are in fact . . . Nazi. He also doubts the possibility that a Girl Scout cookie can build a strong body since it is loaded with fat and calories.
So, to sum up, the Girl Scouts are evil people trying to get rich from their Nazi ways by making people fat and lying to them.
Alan is so strange in his old age, yes?

Adventures in Bryan

Paige and I went to get our hair cut last night. And while that is not interesting, the ride to the hair place was quite an adventure.
Paige and I are sitting peacefully at a red light when a loud truck with a trailer pulls up next to us. Seeing how it was such a nice night, I had my window down enjoying the breeze. Since my window was down, the (we will call them gentlemen but believe me they were far from it) 'gentlemen' in the truck began to make cat calls to us. Saying things like "whatcha doin tonight?" "whoo hooo!" and so forth.
I thought maybe I should politely show them the ring on my finger and maybe that would scare them off. I was wrong. That enticed the rather outspoken one to inform me that he was not married and he did not care if I was.
Classy.
The light finally, by the grace of God, turned green and we made the turn. However, the 'gentlemen' also turned and preceded to bombard us with hoots and hollers. All the while, the man in the passenger side was leaning so far out his side of the truck he could have lost an arm or at the very least get hit by a passing car.
After being rid of these 'gentlemen', Paige and I contemplated what kind of woman would actually be turned on by or stupid enough to respond to these kind of tactics.

This is what we came up with: (must have two or more)

1. The name ends in an I, like Tami or Shandi

2. missing at least one tooth

3. has extremely frizzy/fried curly died hair

4. chews gum with mouth open

5. wears leopard print pants with neon tube tops and high heels

6. knows how to cook opossum

Better Quality

So the DVD player that Alan and I received as a wedding gift is now broken. It was suppose to be top of the line and since day one, we have had problems with this machine.
But we are avid movie renters. We have that netflix thing. Best program ever!! We have been members for I think almost three years now. Anyhoo, we can't get our money out of it if we don't have a DVD player, right? right!
Our friends Brett and Heather were over last night and the broken machine came up. Brett says, quite intelligently, you can just use the x-box to play the movies. Alan replies, well we have to get the remote to make it work. I say ok, how much is that? Only forty dollars the men reply.
So I wake up this morning and ask Alan if he is going to go get whatever it is that we need to convert the x-box to a movie machine. We got this cartoon Home on the Range, I really want to watch it.
Well, I don't know if that is what I want to do Alan says. Why I ask? He says he is researching the whole DVD thing to see which would be best to get. But why spend more money than we need to if you can just get the converter thingy for the x-box I inquire.
Because I want something with better quality he states.
In my head, BETTER QUALITY?, YOU WANT SOMETHING SO THAT THE PICTURE LOOKS A MILIGRAIN BETTER AND YOUR GOING TO SPEND AT LEAST $100 MORE TO GET THIS? WHAT THE F*#K!?
Alan gets all gestapo on me when I come back from the mall, grocery store, sam's, anywhere that I could spend money and quizzes me on what I bought and why I paid what I did. But when it comes to his toys, apparently spending what we don't need to is okay.

I am so buying that new wok tonight.

Trash Day

So I just opened the trash can at work and I think something may have died in there.
Gross. I thought I might see my morning coffee again.
An overwhelming sense of dirtiness has crept up inside of me. I feel I must shower. And yet, I can not because I still have four hours of hell left to complete.
I am working the main store for the next two weeks. Very different.
We shall see if I am still sane after all is said and done. But there is now discussion on who should take the trash out.
You, her, anybody!! But you can damn sure bet on the fact that none of that is my trash, and just becuase I am filling in for awhile because the bosses are off to Russia to buy a wife, does not mean I am going to take that shit out. I will not!!!!

Ketchuppy

Did you know that the Heinz 57 plastic bottle actually says "meatloaf enhancer"?
This is weird to me, and my husband, who is currently shooting whip cream because the vodka and grapefruit juice is unsatisfactory. We have already finished the beer and I really need something else to drink.
He has also discovered a strange taste to the whip cream. I think maybe because it spent two months rolling around in the back seat of my 4runner.
Anyway, it is Saturday night and Alan and I are 'livin it up' at our apartment. Trying to get drunk so we can pass out and wake up tomorrow to a new, and hopefully promising day.
You see, I think Alan is secretly bored with me but is to kind to say so. Also, he is kinda shy, so really, he is stuck with me.
Isn't life great?

Janet Evanovich

This lady has written the funniest books I have ever come across in my life. I was laughing so hard at some parts that I was crying.
Alan's sister got them for me for christmas. Best present.
The books are One for the Money, Two for the Dough, Three to Get Deadly. Those are the ones I have read. There are more in the series.
Don't be put off by the titles. They are so much fun. I was sad when I was done.

Forbidden Fruit

Katara, that is the young cat, likes yogurt.
She follows Alan all around the house and looks up at him intently, almost as if she is willing him to give her a lick or drop the whole thing so she may feast on the forbidden milk product.
But she knows she will not get it. She throws up everytime.
Then after he finishes and throws the container away, she will retreat to the extra bedroom, lay on the bed, and pretend like she is not upset. But if you look close, you will see is pouting. Hours later she will come out and be around us. I think she likes to think she has punished us by not giving us attention for a while.
Such a strange animal.

Christmas Tree

It is January the 8th.
Our tree is still up.
Two unopened presents and about four opened presents still remain tucked under the branches.
And the cats have been teased to long. They are now attacking the tree with excitement and intensity.
We must take it down tonight.
But that is what all three of us have been saying since January first.
Perhaps we shall leave it year round.
We will be those people with their christmas tree still up.
People will point and laugh.
My mom will shake her head in disapproval.
No doubt the apartment will write us a letter saying they can see the tree from the window and could we please take it down so that the apartments all look uniform and presentable.
Bitches.
Don't try to make me conform.

I will not!

Interviews

So I have a job interview this morning. I don't really know what it is for. And I probably won't take the job if they offer, unless it is outstanding of course.
My mom tells me that my problem is that I don't know how to be an employee, just an employer. That I have never really learned how to use constructive criticism and I always take it to be mean and hateful when really the boss is just trying to help me be a better worker.
Basically, she is saying I am a control freak and I can't take orders.
Good call mom.
So my New Year Resolution, learn how to take orders and not have any of the following feelings: threatened/upset/mad/angry/hateful/loathing/will hunt you down in your sleep and knife your leg because you pissed me off
I am a little nervous about the interview. Last time I was interviewing for a job, one I actually really wanted and you will see why I did not get, the guy asked me what kind of organizational tools I used.
My answer couldn't have been educated or anything. No, my answer was "rubbermaid". I told him I wasn't really sure what they were asking for. I know now. Let's hope for non tricky questions today!!

Krispy Kreme

I ate four Krispy Kreme doughnuts within 20 minutes. Just now. Just like 10 minutes ago.
This can't be good.
I looked up the points. 5. 5 points a piece. That is 20 points I consumed past nine p.m. Much like the time it took me to eat them.
20 is a special number, no?!
But they were so good. I would do it again.
Not when Alan is watching though. He made the face. You know the one. It says 'you shouldn't be eating those, but I'm not gonna say anything because you will probably get upset and accuse me of calling you fat'.
He knows me well.