28 Days

Just 28 short days and I, Berly, The crazy one, will be in Las Vegas!
Soaking up the sun, drinking free drinks, parting in wild night clubs, watching semi naked men dance, and all the while getting paid.
Down side - I will be gone for TWO WEEKS.
Do you think you can get to much Vegas?

Jesus loves me, this I know

I left my purse at a Whataburger in the wee hours of the morning (2 am) on Saturday.
Yes, it had my entire life in it.
No, I do not know why I brought it in to begin with.
Yes, I happened to be intoxicated.
And yes, I had the new pepper jack chicken salsa sandwich. With fries.
I noticed I was without my big yellow and green plaid bag at 2 pm.
We were getting ready to go to lunch. Everyone was searching the house, the cars, anywhere. There was no way I had actually left my purse at Whataburger right???
Wrong.
At the Whataburger, Chaka Kahn and I wait patiently in line to speak with the front counter girl. I tell her I left my bag and describe it.
She goes to ask her manager. When she returns she explains that they do in fact have my bag! Just needs me to verify the name and what not on the ID. I do. She leaves to retrieve bag. Chaka Kahn and I hug. I feel like crying.
And I realize as I get my life handed back to me . . . Jesus loves me and was looking out for me the night before. Drunk and all!

Tears

So, I just found out that I am a really good actress.
People actually think I am happy. And I tell them that I am. And I am not.
Why?
Why am I not happy?
Multiple reasons.
Multiple causes.
It seems everything goes bad at once.
Or everything good happens at the same time.
I think maybe I would like it to be spread out a bit.
But I am in so much pain and nothing I do feels right and nothing I do makes is better. And I don't even make sense.
And I am so tired.

Screw Motherhood

There are three people in my household. Soon to be four.
For some reason I really like to take people in.
Out of those three people there is only one that does the dishes everyday.
Out of those three people there is only one that picks the couch cushions up off the floor and puts them back on the couch.
Out of those three people there is only one who thinks about dusting.
Only one that puts dishes in the dishwasher after rinsing them.
Only one that doesn't leave water glasses everywhere.
And Only one that is on the verge of a complete meltdown because she is only 24 freaking years old, works 50 hours a week, is not an actual mom (although they all call me that), therefore should in no way be the ONLY ONE!



Well, I feel a little better now.

Stay away from our pens!

I didn't experience this first hand. But I am still a little weirded out about the whole situation.
You see, a couple of months ago this boy between the ages of 16-20, not real sure, comes in and asks to look at our pens. We are a jewelry store by the way.
The girl I have working is like - okay.
Confused the whole time about what is actually going on.
The strange boy starts to pick up and look at every pen we have, all the while breathing heavy and acting like he was in a hurry.
He then asks if he can have one because he collects pens.
Strange boy tries to take the nice polished marble and gold one we have. She says no. He continues to eye it. She then takes if from the container. Strange boy leaves with a pen that we obtained for free as a marketing tool.
Then today, strange boy comes in again.
Different girl is up front.
He does the same thing.
This time playing with the push lever highlighter we have, eyes growing large in hopes that he can sneak off with it I am sure.
Strange boy ends up with another freebie pen, but this one happens to be everyone's favorite.
Nice grip. Makes your letters look pretty. Everyone has that certain pen.
I am pretty sure he goes around the whole complex stealing pens from each store.
What are we to do?
He is in and out so fast. Picks a pen and leaves.
I mean, there is really no harm, but those are our pens!
Stay away from our pens, strange boy!

Permanent Proof of Temporary Insanity

I changed my tattoo last night.
I thought a lot about my friend Lisa. She was with me when I got my original. I was eighteen. Decided it would be a good idea to exert the power of freedom from the parents. Plus, she was getting one and I just had to do it with someone else because other wise I would have been to chicken.
Anyhoo, I went last night. Alan paid. He is so great.
I got really nervous right before the guy started. Who by the way, is named Bozz. Why? Why not David or Brandon? You know, the name your parents gave you.
I have never been to a tattoo place where the guys are normal.
So he starts. I jump. High.
"Good thing that didn't have ink on it. Think your ready now?" Bozz tells me.
At least he is smart.
So he begins.
And I have to tell you, I am the biggest baby. I wanted to cry. I do not remember it hurting that much.
At one point I had made up in my mind that I was going to stop and just go home with how it was.
But since Alan had already paid and three of my friends were watching, I stayed put.
I now have a turtle on acid.

Things that make me think . . .hmmm??

-Mohawks (have never and will never look good)
-Iced Coffee
-Skinny chefs
-That feeling you get when you see an ex, even though you are insanely happy and in love with your present significant other
-Area 51
-just add water meals
-TiVo
-Britney and Kevin's reality TV show
-Britney Spears pregnant
-Models that eat
-Einstein and his theories
-lime green poop
-clocks (what would it be like if no one knew the "real time"???)
-the French
-life without coffee
-outer space
-women who don't won't a diamond for their engagement ring
-Montana
-Jane Austin's Pride and Prejudice
-Softball (it is not!!)
-sex as a tool to get what you want
-tanning beds

Family Transplant

Did you know, you can't change your family.
Of course you did. But think about that for a second . . .
Would you?
What if someone told you that for a small price, like maybe your little toe, you really don't need that one, they would replace all or some or any of your family members with whoever you want.
Would you do it?
Could you do it?
Would you replace your overpowering and controlling mother?
And with who?
Maybe Martha Stewart - post jail time, she is a "new" woman. Or Marge Simpson, she sure takes a lot and is still relatively perky.
Would you swap your alcoholic father for someone like Jason Seaver from Growing Pains.
Or would you trade in your sisters and brother, who seem to never make the right decisions, for your friends who have always been there for you and aren't able to hurt you because of what they do and what they have failed miserably to not do?
Would you pick out some uncles who aren't such pompous asses? Aunts who aren't such snobs? Or cousins that don't look down on you because of your father?
Could you replace those people?
Could you consciously change your life into something you think would be better by surrounding yourself with people who you think would make a better mom, dad, brother, sister, uncle, aunt or cousin?
Maybe the answer is to learn how to make the best of what you got. Accept what your family does and who they are.
Love them.
Love them because there is no one to come chop off your toe and give you a new family. Your stuck with them.
How hard can it be to love them?

My Friend Courtney

My sophomore year at A&M, spring semester, is when I really connected to Courtney. She was my best friend and roommate Lisa's friend from fish camp. But she is like this totally awesome person that if you don't love, it is because there is something wrong with you.
We had a couple of classes together on Tuesday and Thursday. Geology being the one I remember because we used to write down a list of places we would want to go to lunch during class.
Then we would take turns crossing off places that we weren't in the mood for. Ending up with something fatty and delicious.
After lunch we would just hang out around town. Sometimes shop. Always listening to Kid Rock. We used to jam to Cowboy. Those were the days. I can't hear that song without thinking about her.
When we had to study for Geology we would go to Sweet Eugine's for hours and drink coffee. Well, I did. On top of the vivarin. Which Courtney introduced to me as well.
I did really good in classes that semester. Could be because I never slept. Or because I had Courtney to help me through.
Either way . . .
I miss that semester. And I miss Courtney.
God, I love that girl!

What If???

I have been thinking recently about that movie Butterfly Effect. Mostly because Paige has been talking about it and what her life would be like.
So, I of course, with my susceptible mind, have also been dwelling on the what ifs.
Like what if I had never roomed with Lisa, my first best friend and one of the main reasons I stuck it out at A&M?
I wouldn't know Courtney, the dirty knees hooker. Or Sandra or Stinky Ashley or Robin, who still has that porn I lent her three years ago!
What if I had stayed with Charles. My first love.
I imagine I would be divorced and have at least two brats. Unhappy. Fat(er). I was never a good judge of men until Alan came along.
What if my parents had stayed together, even for just three or four more years?
What if I was Derrell's biological child and not just his little girl by marriage?
What if I had actually been a boy? My name would be Gregory.
I know because of my mean sisters and their taunting when I was young.
What if I had spent all my summers somewhere instead of my Grandma and Grandpa's?
Would I have gone to A&M? Would I be such a different person? Or would just my life be different and not my attitude/personality?
What if????????

Temper Tantrums

Let me just say, I think it is totally normal for someone in their twenties to have a temper tantrum. In fact, I think more people should, in the privacy of their own home of course, have temper tantrums. And I will tell you why.
Yesterday seemed to be the day determined to get my good spirit down. And it did.
I call the cell phone people. Not early because I know they are going to do something that makes me call them the devil and I did not want to start off my morning like that. I want to drop the second line on my service because my second replacement phone is still not working. I got it from the insurance company, who by the way, charged me fifty dollars. Why have I been giving you six dollars a month for a "free replacement phone in case of damage"? I don't know why sales people have to lie. Lies make baby Jesus cry.
So the guy on the phone says, "oh, well you are available for a FREE upgrade phone. Just go to any of our stores and trade in your old phone." I repeat this info. And I repeat that I will not have to pay ANYTHING!!! He says I am correct.
I go to the store in the mall from which I purchased the cell phone in the beginning. She tells me I have to go to a corporate store, which closes at seven. It is now 6:42. I leave.
I go to the corporate store.
Kevin at that corporate store informs me that in order to get the FREE phone I will have to resign my contract for two years. What????
I call Alan and he says go ahead.
Kevin, the already scared because he can tell I am on my way to being a bitchy customer, asks me nonchalantly if the representative on the phone informed me of the $18 fee in the store and $18 fee on the bill for reactivation.
No he did not I tell him.
I call Alan back.
We decide to forgo the new phone and wait out our contract (June).
Now I ask you, If I have to pay $36 how in the name of all that is good and holy in this world is this phone FREE???
I was pissed.
On top of this episode, I am fixing to start and my hormones are raging. I found out today that one of the most beloved pets in my life has passed away. I have been feeling bad about my weight/looks/personality/life. And there are people really pissing me off that I can't say anything to because it is their personality traits that are irritating me.
So I got home, locked myself in my closet. Beat the plastic drawers with my blue tennis shoe, sobbed on the carpet for a while and then undressed and went to bed.
And even though I ended up getting up and running errands with Alan, I felt so much better. This morning I feel better, renewed, energized, ready to face Enrique from Cingular's customer service department.

A Shout Out

There are so many thoughts going through my head at any given time. It is a wonder I can decipher them.
Or make them work for me. Or even get out of bed sometimes.
But the one thing I have been thinking of more and more is how every person in my life has shaped me and given me a tool to use to create this person that I am.
When I was thirteen I met my "New York Parents". Karen and Pete. They had known my mom when she was married to my sperm donor when they lived in Arlington. But then they moved back to Buffalo, NY.
And they are fabulous. The most exciting, fun, smart and loving people. With out question or hesitation they treated me like I was their own.
In the two short weeks I spent with them the summer before high school started, they were able to give me the confidence and support I needed to enter as an awkward freshman and leave a less awkward senior.
They have always believed in me and for no other reason than they love me. Even being thousands of miles from me I knew I could always count of them.
How could a girl like me get so lucky?
I miss you guys, if your reading! With out you, I wouldn't be me.

Obsess much?

I go through periods in my life when I can think of nothing but one thing and I become obsessed with it.
Last year it was death. Morbid I know. But my grandfather died and it was on my mind.
Year before was losing weight. Had to get in shape for the wedding. Didn't want to be a hippo in a white dress.
This year, still a little bit death and weight, but more so poop. Which if you think about it, relates both to death and weight.
I mean, I have always been interested in poop, but this year, I am obsessed. Everything I do concerns poop. And you would think I would keep this quiet. But I don't.
I tell my friends about my poops. I buy special tea that makes you poop. Just recently I have started to bother Alan about his pooping habits.
Paige bought me a book last night, Everyone Poops, by Taro Gomi. I am suppose to read it to my kids one day. But I enjoyed it myself.
The pictures show things pooping. I was amazed. And a little shocked. They actually have a picture of a young boy on a toilet with poop coming right out.
So, I know it is a little strange.
What are you obsessed with?
Or is it just me?

Top 5

A little list of why I love Red River, NM and why Spring Break 2005 is the best ever!
FYI: There were going to be ten, but I'm late for church.

5. Snow, lots of the pretty white soft stuff. It was probably the most beautiful scenery I have ever been around.
4. I got to dress in layers, you can never tell how big/small someone is when they are in layers!
3. The scale at home said I lost two pounds. Which is a miracle considering what I ate all week. They have a Rocky Mountain Chocolate factory there. Paige was in heaven. Still is from what we brought home.
2. My boss paid for almost everything

And the number 1 reason why I love Red River, NM and why Spring Break 2005 is the best ever . . . .I actually got to go somewhere. For the first time since I was 13 I got to do something for spring break and not just stay at home and work.
Life is good. At least for now!

Monica I'm scared!

I leave for Red River, New Mexico in less than 18 hours. Company ski trip. Snow, mountains, should be fun.
But, everyone has been talking about altitude sickness and I am really freaked out. I don't want throw up and have diarrhea on vacation.
My boss says if you drink no caffeine and no alcohol the day you travel and the day after you get there, you should be fine.
The alcohol is not the problem.
I can't remember the last day I went without a cup of coffee. Plus! We are leaving at midnight and driving straight through. Stopping only for the necessary potty and gas breaks. How in the name of all that is good and holy am I suppose to make it??
I am drinking coffee right now.
It is apparent that I like to live dangerously.

Treachery is a foot!!!

So . . . I went to the doctor yesterday. Feeling kinda of cruddy. I get there about fifteen minutes early. I always hope they will see me sooner. Or at least put me in the room with the bed so I can lay down.
My appointment time came. Everytime the door to the examination rooms opened I lifted my head in anticipation. Waiting for my name to be called. I could feel the stiff paper and sterile clean smell of the bed. My body was aching for it. Thirty minutes went by.
A nurse came out, didn't even try to pronounce my last name. I got up. For a second I felt like I had won the grand prize at pie eating contest. (There were a lot of larger people in the waiting room)
She promptly tells me to get on the scale. I have on boots and heavy pants. This is not gonna be good.
It wasn't.
She then takes me to the examination room where she takes my blood pressure and tells me to wait, "the doctor has one patient before you and he will be right in".
Another thirty minutes later, after I have fallen asleep in the chair with my head on the desk next to it - she didn't say I could sit on the bed/table thing- the doctor comes in.
"So what's wrong with you"
Aren't you suppose to tell me that? And he doesn't. No, I leave with two prescriptions and no diagnosis. He isn't sure. Me having a temperature is throwing him off, but it is not high enough to be the flu. Blah, blah, blah.
I say thank you very much, take my prescriptions and head back to work.
This whole doctor thing seems to be a rip off. I pay my co-pay, wait an hour, and for basically no reason!!
On a positive note, he gave a Z pack, best meds ever. I feel sooooo good.

What a morning!

So, one of the girls that works for me came in yesterday with a most embarrassing story about her morning.
She got to class early and started chatting it up with some friends. A girl then comes up behind her and tells her to check her back.
Unbeknownst to her, she had ridden to school and walked into class from the parking lot with a pair of crusty thongs hanging out the back of her jeans.
She says they weren't crusty, but personally I think it makes a better story.
But to top off the day, during the same class she pulled out her notebook and an unwrapped tampon decided to hold on and dangle in front of the hottie guys sitting next to her.
I turned red for her.
What really makes me wonder about myself though, is that while she is telling me this story, it is making me feel better.
Why do I get enjoyment from other people's embarrassment?
Or when people fall?
Never do I laugh as hard as when someone falls.

FAT, FAT, FAT, FAT, FAT

Ok.
I'm getting fat.
There, I said it, out loud, for all to see and gasp at.
My pants are to tight. I wear the stretchy ones so I won't be to uncomfortable.
Almost all my shirts are to tight in the arms and back and are barely holding together across the boobs.
The seat belt rubs uncomfortably against my stomach.
When I sit down, there are two handfuls of gut that roll over and touch my thighs.
I have to use more lotion than before. (Just because I'm fat doesn't mean I should be ashy.)
And to put the icing on the cake so to speak- yum, icing sounds good- my kitty won't even lay on my stomach anymore because it raises her to far in the air, so she sits with my roommate who has a nice flat stomach or with Alan because of his long flat chest.
I am so depressed.
Which makes me want to eat something.
How did I ever lose weight before?

It has begun

This morning I woke up early. Of course. I automatically wake after 5.44 hours of sleep. It just happens.
But today, Alan got up shortly after I did and we went jogging.
That's right. I jogged.
Never mind the fact that I felt like I was being punished for something I had done most of the time. Or the fact that my trachea is still burning and tingling from the extra, frantic, intakes of air. Or the realization - brought on by the constant rubbing of my thighs against each other - that I have really packed on the winter pounds.
But in all, I would have to say not a bad way to start the morning.
Alan and I have decided to "get in better shape". He is secretly hoping I will become strong and fearless so we can go on the fear factor couples show and win a million dollars. But I will NEVER be able to eat something disgusting. Sorry babe!
We also went to church yesterday. Which was a first in many months. I guess when I think about it. I am trying that whole "be a better person, go out and get what you want" thing.
And I know, I have done this before.
But this time. This time I feel different.
Last week I had a medical situation and honestly thought I was gonna die. And I kept thinking that if I was healthier and nicer and a better person, this wouldn't be happening. And as silly as that sounds - I gotta try.
Plus, Alan really wants me to wear tank tops and show my belly. So, I gotta do it at least for that.

Mr. Weatherman

What is it about meteorology that gets those weather men so excited?
I was watching the news last night, I don't do it often cause it depresses me, and the weather guy on there was so fun to watch.
He was talking about an air mass moving in and lots of rain. When he was showing the air mass his eyes started to sparkle and he did that slight eye brow raise that says, "This is really important and cool, better pay attention"
Then he gave this disturbing little chuckle and grin when he told us we were in store for A LOT of rain.
He was genuinely excited about the fact that we in the Brazos Valley are going to be drenched, once again.
When he did the temperatures he wasn't as animated.
Your probably wondering, how can someone be animated when talking about temperature. But I assure you, he was.
I think the weather man may be sick.
Crazy in the head kind of sick.
I shall watch him every night now. I am addicted to his madness.