Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Oh, that scar

"I HATE YOU!"
"Stop pulling my hair RIGHT NOW!"

Whimpering, "Let go of my wrist. You're hurting me"
*sniffle*
"I'm gonna tell mom if you don't get your hands off me."

She didn't. Not until mom walked into the bathroom and saw us.
Facing each other.
Me pulling her hair down so hard she was almost on the ground.
Her with her fake nails digging into my wrist, blood gushing out.
We were grounded from each other indefinitely. Would have worked too, no more fights, no more hating each other periodically, if we hadn't of loved each other so much that we had to start talking again.
But really, that's what sisters do.

Friday, March 24, 2006

I'm not lying

Judge: "Ma’am, could you please state your name for the record."

Our client: "Who's name?"

Judge: "Your name."

Our client: "What? Which one?"

Oh how I wish my job let me go to the court house more. I, sadly, missed this highly intellectual exchange of words which the hearing opened with.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Absent becasue . . .

I had a two day migraine.
It lingers and hurts me so.
That is all.

Friday, March 17, 2006

Green Beer!

I have never tried green beer. And really I want to.
Tonight, Alan's friends are coming in to town, so we will probably hit the local bar strip, have some green beer and regret it come morning.
Cause really, we have to get up at 5 am tomorrow so that we are on the road by 6 and at my mom's by 9.
My brother will be in from San Francisco. So excited to see him.
But as excited as I am, I am peeved that I have to disrupt my entire weekend because he decided to move so far away and come home twice a year.
Anyhoo.
It should be fun.

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Sorry

I'm sorry.
Sorry I ruined your night.
Sorry I'm not who you really need.
Sorry I can't change and sorry I don't know how to.
But most of all, I'm sorry if you feel trapped.

Monday, March 13, 2006

*shiver*

Do you want to see the most disgusting thing you have ever seen?
I mean EVER.
One of my semi bosses showed it to me.
It is sick.
Really really sick.
If you want to see the sickest image ever go to: tubgirl.com
I'm not kidding people.
It will be ingrained in your brain FOREVER.

Saturday, March 11, 2006

You tell me

My friend Heather came to town Thursday night.
We went to dinner.
Had a huge margarita.


I may or may not have been drunk in this picture.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

A jellyfish bad day

WARNING - This is a little long, but damn is it funny!

Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office.
As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose
Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch.
So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened
The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.
I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.
When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I go! t in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.

Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job." Whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?

Monday, March 06, 2006

Have I told you this already?

I'm not sure if I have mentioned this to my blog family, but my oldest sister is pregnant.
With twins.
Apparently this kind of thing does run on the woman's side.
Who knew?
She is due at the end of July and my mom has already informed me that I will need to be saving my vacation time.
Not that I have a problem with this.
The more time with my nephews/neices the better since I do live three hours away.
I would like for them to get to know me.
But I have officially been volunteered to take a week off work and come "help" when the babies are born.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Ash Wednesday

I have decided to give up diet coke and all desserts for Lent.
The desserts might not be so hard.
Giving up the diet coke may put me into a coma.
We will see.


(It was my semi boss)