Monday, February 28, 2005

It has begun

This morning I woke up early. Of course. I automatically wake after 5.44 hours of sleep. It just happens.
But today, Alan got up shortly after I did and we went jogging.
That's right. I jogged.
Never mind the fact that I felt like I was being punished for something I had done most of the time. Or the fact that my trachea is still burning and tingling from the extra, frantic, intakes of air. Or the realization
- brought on by the constant rubbing of my thighs against each other - that I have really packed on the winter pounds.
But in all, I would have to say not a bad way to start the morning.
Alan and I have decided to "get in better shape". He is secretly hoping I will become strong and fearless so we can go on the fear factor couples show and win a million dollars. But I will NEVER be able to eat something disgusting. Sorry babe!
We also went to church yesterday. Which was a first in many months. I guess when I think about it. I am trying that whole "be a better person, go out and get what you want" thing.
And I know, I have done this before.
But this time. This time I feel different.
Last week I had a medical situation and honestly thought I was gonna die. And I kept thinking that if I was healthier and nicer and a better person, this wouldn't be happening. And as silly as that sounds - I gotta try.
Plus, Alan really wants me to wear tank tops and show my belly. So, I gotta do it at least for that.

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Mr. Weatherman

What is it about meteorology that gets those weather men so excited?
I was watching the news last night, I don't do it often cause it depresses me, and the weather guy on there was so fun to watch.
He was talking about an air mass moving in and lots of rain. When he was showing the air mass his eyes started to sparkle and he did that slight eye brow raise that says, "This is really important and cool, better pay attention"
Then he gave this disturbing little chuckle and grin when he told us we were in store for A LOT of rain.
He was genuinely excited about the fact that we in the Brazos Valley are going to be drenched, once again.
When he did the temperatures he wasn't as animated.
Your probably wondering, how can someone be animated when talking about temperature. But I assure you, he was.
I think the weather man may be sick.
Crazy in the head kind of sick.
I shall watch him every night now. I am addicted to his madness.

Thursday, February 17, 2005

Negative Nelly

I remember going to school one morning with my mom when I was like seven or eight. I can't remember if I was in second or third grade.
Anyhoo, it was the third or fourth morning that my mom and I were fighting as soon as we got into the car. Don't ask me to recall what we were fighting about, I was seven! Before I got out of the car my mom looked at me and with pleading eyes, she asked me if we could try not being so negative and instead be happier when we are around each other. "Let's actually try to enjoy each other"

You see, my mom had just got remarried at this point and I wasn't receptive to the new life at the time.
And just like that, our relationship got better. We still fought of course, but even at that young age my mom reasoned with me and called me out on my attitude and her own. We were being negative nellys, she says. So our attitudes changed and we began having fun.
We started a Thursday night date night. She would take me somewhere, just the two of us. Dinner, movie, anything. I looked forward to those Thursdays.

I wish I could have one of those Thursdays more than anything right now. I miss my mom terribly. I feel so lost. And I feel so negative. I feel like everyone around me is negative.
And I have no idea how to fix it or even make it a little better.

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

I think I might actually still be ten

Alan wants me to mention my movie experience from last night.
You see, I have been kind of restless and didn't want to sit at home doing nothing. So we decided to go see a movie. I told him to pick. He said Boogeyman. I said ok. So we go the the theater, get the tickets, and of course, purchase a water. I've felt really dehydrated lately.
Anyhoo, we make our way to our seats and I begin to do my pouty look so that he will go back and grab me a pretzel. After a couple of minutes with the pouty look, he does. Fabulous!
Alan returns right when the previews start. I begin to munch on my pretzel, I asked if he wanted any, he said no. The second preview is for a scary movie. It is then that I realize I haven't been to see a scary movie in the theater since that really bad valentine one with David Boranez (sorry if I spelled his name wrong) and the noxema girl.
Want to know why, cause I'm gonna tell you.
I don't like scary movies.
Not unless I am in the comfort of my own home, with blankets, and lights blaring.
And yes, I am still a little afraid of the dark.
So I watched Boogeyman from behind the fingers that covered my face. Believe me, I saw enough. On the way home I joked with Alan that I was going to have bad dreams.
Around two o'clock I started to scream in my sleep. Waking Alan. The boogeyman was there. He comforted me and held me. He then got up to go to the restroom. As soon as he passed the closet door, I heard and saw it open and then heard and felt something under the bed. Alan of course says it was my imagination.
But guess who has to turn on all the lights in the room before I will enter.

Monday, February 14, 2005

Happy Heart Day

It is freaking Valentine's Day.
The day of last minute shoppers who will spend almost anything because they only have a couple hours till they see their loved one.
Aren't commerical holidays the best?

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Inner Me

Well, I was watching Garden State last night. Good flick.
Although I was uncomfortable half the movie and wanted to ball the second half, with little bits of laughter and anger thrown in.
I haven't felt all those emotions in a two hour setting since, . . . well I really can't remember.
But there was this one part that really got to me. And had Alan not been sitting there with me, I probably would have broke down.
It was when they are in the pool and Zach Braff is talking about where home is. I always associate "home" with my mom and Derrell. They recently moved, so the house is totally not what I grew up in. I have no real attachment to the house. But it is still home. Right?
I mean, am I suppose to have a different definition of home since me and Alan are married? Am I suppose to only feel "home" when I am with him and in our house(apartment).
Which got me thinking.
Have a made another wrong decision in saying we will stay in College Station?
Am I suppose to move back to Dallas?
Am I ever going to find a job I love?
Is Alan happy?
What is his definition of home?
Am I enough for him?
Does he still love me?
What should I get for Valentine's day?
Did I turn off the ultrasonic at work?
Do you think the cats are happy?
How am I ever going to make a good mom?
Will they feel at home?
Will they hate me?
What am I doing with my life?
Why do I feel like I have been walking around in someone else's life?
What would my friends think if they found I wasn't really the person they think I am?
Do they know already?
Does Alan?
How do I become the person I want to be?

Monday, February 07, 2005

The Monday After

Was anyone else disappointed by the Superbowl commercials?
I, like many Americans, watched the Superbowl for the commercials. I look forward to them. But this year they really seemed below par.
And the one with the convertible mustang, not funny after you see if every thirty minutes. They really should have had something different.
Not that I know, well, anything about advertising. I was just saying.
Loved the Bud Light commercials though. Great job on those.

Friday, February 04, 2005

No more BLT's for dinner

I dreamed my mom was getting rid of almost all her clothes and tons of stuff in her house. And my boss John was going to buy it all and then auction it off. So I was like, hey I want that and that and that. She had this gold asymmetrical strapless top. So very cute, so not my mom.
Then when I went to the garage I saw there were two pink Cadillacs. One for Derrell and one for my mom. She informed me that her caddy was a little shorter so that she could park easier.
Then I was at the beach but not really. Cause I was still in Texas, and we don't have real beaches. But my friends Brett and Heather lived in this phatty beach condo and I was like wow, and it only takes you 25 minutes to get to work? That is great! And the entire time I was thinking in my head, where is the freaking bathroom I have had to hold myself for hours.
I am tired this morning. I have been all over Texas in one night!

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

The worst father in the world actually isn't mine

I need for you all to do a little imagination exercise with me.
Close your eyes (after you read what to do).
Imagine a 400 pound man, not showered in days, has just ran three miles in the dead of summer. He then lifts his armpit. Can you smell it?
Now combine that smell with the smell of dead rotting fish.
Take a moment.

This smell came into the store the other day. It brought with it, the most horrible, irritating, and downright strange little girl. I think she was almost four. Now I like children. But she was a breed all her own. I can honestly say I really really disliked her and when they left . . .I was happy.
While her smelly fat father was looking at coins and trying to ever so secretly pocket them (your fat, we see when your pudgy little arm makes to put something in your coat!), she talked to me and Paige and Gretchen.
Now, Gretchen and Paige have much more patience. So they actually talked to her and tried to keep her from screaming and running in the store as she was doing previously. I just stared at her. Gretchen kept asking her what color things were. She got to her pants and the girl replied, "Poo poo". I laughed. Thought that was kind of funny.
A few minutes later I realized that the little girl was actually very smart. You see, she still had on a diaper and she had taken a shit while standing there talking to us.
Gretchen then went to get a coke and some candy. The little girl screamed that the coke and candy was bad for you and to stop drinking/eating it. We reassured her it was alright if you were over twenty to drink coke and eat candy.
Gretchen then told her not to lie or her nose would grow. Something else to mess with her already fragile little mind. So the little child starts to cry because she doesn't want her nose to grow. An hour passed and they thankfully left. Poop and all.
It is rare times like those that I remember why I didn't go into teaching.
And I am glad.

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

Paige's favorite joke

So, these two men walk into a bar.
The third ones ducks.
Get it?

Please send me new jokes.
I haven't the energy to pretend laugh at all the others.