Tuesday, December 18, 2007

It's broke

So, I'm a fixer.
I can listen and comfort and not say a word but all the while I will be trying to figure out a solution to the problem, reason for sadness, etc. in my head. I won't tell. Unless you ask of course, or if you are close enough to me that I speak my mind no matter what. Then I'll fix it.
Point is this.
I have come across a situation I can't fix.
And all my ideas to help apparently won't work.
But it is one of those situations that if it doesn't get fixed then my children will suffer, not to mention my husband and rest of my family.
I'm not the one to fix it. I have come to terms with that.
So what next?

Friday, December 07, 2007

I feel like breaking out in song

This week I have really reflected on how my outlook on life has changed over the past year. My daughter turned one last week. She is walking and babbling and learning and amazing me everyday with her ability to absorb all the knowledge that exists around her. There is nothing she doesn't learn from.
But I digress.
I used to want so strongly to never experience anything bad. But now, its like I know I have to otherwise there would be no good.
I get it now.
If there was never any "bad" then how could I ever appreciate the "good". And maybe because I am a mother or not so much a mother, but a person who is the world for another, I cherish that good so much more than I ever have before in my life.
I want so strongly now to never lose sight of what makes me happy. Of what gives me peace. I want so strongly not to be angry at anything or one because I know that the anger I give into tarnishes the good I might be experience.
I'll take the bad, when it comes.
But I'll take the good and hold on so much tighter than I did before.

Sunday, October 28, 2007

I've been trying to post

I have been trying so hard.
But every time I sit down to share my ins and outs and thoughts and whatnots, the booger (my daughter) decides to make that task impossible.
At this moment, she is sitting at my feet, screaming.
No tears mind you.
She just wants to be picked up.
I am so ready for the needy stage to end.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Best TGIF ever starts tomorrow!!

As of tomorrow at 5:00 p.m. I will embark on my new path of life.
Being a Housewife/mom.
They threw me a little going away lunch today and my boss splurged on an hour massage for me. Which is great, because the deciding factor in our decision for me to stay home with Alivia is that I am pregnant, again.
And the day care bill would have been ridiculous!!!
Not to mention that the doctor is treating this pregnancy as high risk because of what happend with Alivia. And she seems to think that my blood pressure issue will be MUCH better without the added stress of work.
So, I will be a woman of leisure, so to speak, starting tomorrow afternoon.
What will I do all day?
What if Alivia misses daycare?
No, really, I am excited. My house will be forever clean and I can start experimenting in the kitchen like I have always wanted but never had the time for.
Then when the second baby arrives in April, I can shoot myself. ;)

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

The Birthday

Holy moly . . . I am officially in my late twenties.
That is all.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

13 years

You would think that after 13 years of being married you would be in it forever. Of course we all know that is not so. We have a divorce going on now in our office and the couple has been married for almost 40 years.
So I guess you never know.
And if you never know . . . . . . . . . . .
Anyhoo, my mom and sperm donor were married 13 years before she kicked his ass out and let the pathetic excuse for a father be who he is, a pathetic excuse for a father, and I wonder now when she knew.
When she knew in her heart that it was over for them.
I have always heard that girls marry someone like their dad.
I, of course, did not.
Did I?
Cause the person I chose to make my everything is a most fabulous person.
And I know, people make mistakes. I'm not suggesting that I need perfection. Or that he is. Or that I am.
And I understand that what I expect may be a tall order to fill.
But when faced with the unexpected realization that some of my pathetic excuse for a father's traits are mirrored in my everything, I am left speechless.
And scared.
So so scared.
It is frightening to me that after four years (tomorrow) of marriage we might still be a gamble and not the sure bet I believed we were.

Friday, June 29, 2007

The reason . . .

I am such a bad blogger.
I know this.
I am going to work on it.
My little sweetie is just about seven months old.
Sitting up.
Eating baby food and loving it.
She has also had 4 ear infections and the doctor is talking tubes.
It frightens me but I know it will help her.
Life seems really good right now.
Except for the whole I have to go to work every day thing.
But hubby is getting raises and I will hopefully be a stay at home mom next year (just in time to start on baby #2!)

Sunday, March 18, 2007

Little things

Hubby is putting the baby down for me. We just got back from my parent's house and there is the normal unpacking and such to do. Plus, Alivia starts day care for the first time tomorrow so there are emergency contacts to fill out and bank accounts to verify available funds.
I was just picking up our room and unpacking our bag, getting the bed ready to sleep in and there, sitting innocently, was one of Alivia's little pink socks. Just this tiny piece of fabric lying amongst other pieces of mine and hubby's clothing.
And I thought to myself, wow.
How can it be so commonplace to see that little pink (baby) sock there on the bed with my things?

Sunday, March 11, 2007

Let's be honest

I have no idea how to be this person I am trying to be.
A wife.
A mom.
A friend.
A good employee.
Never have I had to jugle so many titles.
And never have I doubted my ability at so many roles.
Let's be honest, I suck at being a wife. I am lucky to have a hubby who is laid back enough to wait around while I get the hang of caring about someone else before myself.
Being a good employee was easy before the mom role came into play. Now work seems to be this chore, this horrible horrible chore.
And I don't really know if I have ever been a good friend.
I think maybe I can be but I let my other roles cloud the friend one.
We have yet to see how I am at the mom role.
Most days (middle of the night) I wake up and can't believe this perfect little thing came out of me. And I am oh so very scared of screwing her up. How can I provide a life for someone when I can't seem to get my own straight?
And how the hell am I suppose to combine all these roles/titles into one person?
And how the hell does anyone else do it?

Wednesday, February 28, 2007

How come?

"How come I have to go to bed? It's still light outside!"
"Because it's eight o'clock and that is your bedtime," her momma said.
"But there are kids still playing outside!!" she wailed. "Please let me stay up and play . . . *sniffs* . . . please, momma?"
Her momma responds firmly, "Do you want me to tuck you in or not?"

"How come I can't go to Six Flags with Holley?"
"Because you don't have an adult going with you. You could get hurt being alone," her momma advises.
"But EVERYONE else I know gets to go and I never get to do ANYTHING!!" she screams.
Her momma responds firmly, "Take that tone again with me young lady and you really won't be doing anything this summer."

"How come I have to be home so early? I just graduated, Mom."
"Your curfew is midnight so be happy your getting an extra hour," her momma replied.
"God! You are so unfair," she spats, "I am so moving out of here tomorrow."

"How come you can't live with me and we could do everything together?"
"Your married now honey, with a baby coming, you had to grow up and have your own life," her momma sympathizes.
"But I miss you so much, momma," she says choked up, " I wish you were here."

Wednesday, February 21, 2007


I have just received the best gift from my child.
She let me sleep for five straight hours.
Two nights in a row!!!!!!!!!

On another note, I would like to tell you (you know who you are) that contrary to (your) belief I am not stupid. If you really think so then you should tell our boss and have me fired. Otherwise, I'm gonna kick you in the nuts the next time you treat me as you have. I graduated from the same f*#king university that you did, ASSHOLE.

Love, Berly

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

I got nothin

My life is totally all about my baby now.
I thought maybe I wouldn't be one of those moms.
But I am.
And instead of being ashamed that I am no longer Kimberly and have now become solely "Alivia's Mom", I'm gonna try embracing this fact.
So . . . . . . . . Some pics of Alivia.
She is getting big fast.

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Never said enough

Thank you for . . .

. . . the love you always give.
. . . the support that is neverending and never comes with strings or judgment.
. . . the way you look at me. (Like I am a somebody)
. . . getting up for her early feedings.
. . . cookies and cream ice cream last night.
. . . my car.
. . . laughing at my stupid jokes.
. . . calming me down when I've gone to far.
. . . making sure I leave the house with hot coffee.
. . . starting my car everyone morning.
. . . being my everything.
. . . making me your everything.
. . . giving me the most beautiful child.

. . . being my most perfect husband.

Monday, January 29, 2007

Dear Mr. Booger Eater,

Do not, under any circumstances pick your nose and eat your boogers while driving down Villa Maria in the afternoon. There is absolutely no freaking reason to eat your boogers. No. Not a one. It is sick. Disgusting. And it makes me want to vomit to be completely honest. A lot.

Your fellow driver,


P.S. You are naste!

Friday, January 19, 2007

200th Post

I started back to work this week.
God am I tired.
So tired I want to sit in a corner and cry.
Or sleep.
The office is . . . well . . . lets just say that next time I get pregnant I might not take maternity leave.
Nothing is how is should be. I have been cleaning up messes and organizing since I got back.
I have no idea what is going on with my files.
I miss Alivia like crazy.
And she isn't even at the sitter's house yet.
Hubby and I have been working half days each cause she isn't allowed to go to the sitter's till she has her two month immunizations. (Next week)
So I leave her in the morning (and hold back tears all the way to work) and by the time I get home at lunch I want to cry again cause I missed her so much.
Oh, and she totally smiled at me the other. Focused her eyes on me and smiled.
It was thrilling.
Did I mention that I am about to fall asleep with my eyes open?