You would think that after 13 years of being married you would be in it forever. Of course we all know that is not so. We have a divorce going on now in our office and the couple has been married for almost 40 years.
So I guess you never know.
And if you never know . . . . . . . . . . .
Anyhoo, my mom and sperm donor were married 13 years before she kicked his ass out and let the pathetic excuse for a father be who he is, a pathetic excuse for a father, and I wonder now when she knew.
When she knew in her heart that it was over for them.
I have always heard that girls marry someone like their dad.
I, of course, did not.
Did I?
Cause the person I chose to make my everything is a most fabulous person.
And I know, people make mistakes. I'm not suggesting that I need perfection. Or that he is. Or that I am.
And I understand that what I expect may be a tall order to fill.
But when faced with the unexpected realization that some of my pathetic excuse for a father's traits are mirrored in my everything, I am left speechless.
And scared.
So so scared.
It is frightening to me that after four years (tomorrow) of marriage we might still be a gamble and not the sure bet I believed we were.
8 comments:
"It is not your circumstances that shape you. It is how you react to your circumstances."
Take it from someone who has lived it and knows. Just because you may have dormant traits or qualities passed on from a less than desirable person...does not mean that you are anything like them. It's all about the choices you make. You have the power to decide what kind of person you are going to be. Just remember that.
I remember being at a couples party years ago all alone (because Hubby was always working and never around, etc. etc.) and everyone got drunk and a discussion began about which of us was most likely to get divorced someday and who was in it for the long haul. Since people were drunk they were brutally honest and they all looked at me and said "Hands down, SS will be the first one divorced. No doubt." Every single one of the agreed. It was a bad feeling but I couldn't really argue given the circumstances. But, that was years ago and since then lots of the couples at that party got divorced... and many more are teetering on the edge. In fact, the first couple to bite the dust was the one that everyone agreed would be married forever. So, HAH! Suck on that snotty drunk friends! My point - there is no such thing as a sure bet. Every relationship has its ups and downs. Every person has traits that are less than ideal. BUT, if you can both acknowledge that fact and address these things as they become problems - instead of waiting 13 or 40 or however many years to deal with them - then I think you stand a much better chance than those who go on pretending everything is perfect and overlook the bad stuff.
My views on this are clearly controversial. I think the mistake is to make ANYONE your everything. I think people put too much emphasis on others to validate their own lives. Yes being with someone, having children, having friends...all of those can bring happiness but they can't make you happy ultimately. I am my everything...everyone else is just invited to share in it.
-N
Lindsey - Sometimes I need to be reminded of that. Thank you.
SS - I agree that problems should be faced and not pushed aside. And people who pass judgment on someone else's marriage need to check themselves. :)
Natalia - I TOTALLY agree with you. People who rely on someone else to make them happy are in trouble. "You have to love yourself . . . " is something I live by. I guess I should have worded things differently. It is not that I made him my everything. He just is. And by my everything I mean, I don't want to experience anything without him. I don't need him to have fun or be happy, but I want him there, always, in everything.
All - Thank you for your comments.
That's a good clarification, B. But I also think that in order for a couple to be healthy, each person MUST experience things on their own and have alone time. A trip with the girls, a weekend with the boys, or not with anyone at all. That's necessary and healthy for everyone.
-N
My goal with my live-in boyfriend of 4 years isn't to be together forever, it's for both of us to be happy. We'll stay together while we're happy together and when we're not we'll, hopefully, be happy somewhere else, maybe with someone else.
He drives me up the wall sometimes, but he's the one I want to come home to.
From what I read you guys really take care of each other. So I really think that you are on the right track. We all have thoughts and doubts but they are just that. They arent real. Your relationship and your history together is whats real. Happy Anniversary!
And call me an idiot and a fool and immature but I still believe that someone else can make a person happy and complete in a way that you yourself cant.
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