Monday, August 01, 2011

How can death make life so different?

Once I started blogging again (if you remember, I took a break and had some babies) I vowed to make my posts, at least most of them, upbeat, fun, positive. Cause that is who I am. Or at least the person I want to be.
So now I am sad. Incredibly sad.
Sad to the point that I am sure the word sad is insufficient in describing how I feel.
And I want to tell all of you and myself that the only way to live is with love and light in your life. But damn if I'm having a hard time living that way.
I find the motions of everyday life exhausting. I cringe at the thought of being around people.
Tears are ever present accompanied by a dull headache.
I know, "this to shall pass".
I am sorry to anyone I have ever uttered that phrase to. They are not words of comfort.
I looked up the steps to grief.
Denial.
Anger.
Bargaining.
Depression.
Acceptance.
You can see, I am juggling a couple of those at once here. I like to multitask.
So today I'll go to the grocery store. I'll make my kids lunch and dinner. I'll play in the pool with them. I'll read them stories and rock them before bed.
And I'll do all this feeling different than I did two weeks ago.
I'll do all this incredibly sad.
How can death make life so different?

3 comments:

yrautca said...

I talked to my mom last night and I asked her the question, how did you cope when grandma and grandpa died. I needed to know because I dont know how I will ever cope when I lose them. She became emotional and told me that she mourned for years and the pain of losing a parent does not go away. But then she said that she had to keep going for the sake of us, her children, and that made her busy in life and over time, she was able to enjoy life again.

The Shib said...

My B. Id wrap you up like a burrito baby if I could.
Love you so much.

Phil said...

As comforting as memories are, they are never an adequate substitute for the loved one who is gone. I think the best we can do is live the way that person would have wanted us to and to remember them fondly. As a long time blogger acquaintance of yours my heart goes out to you and I'll be sending good vibes your way. I'm sorry for your loss.