Friday, December 23, 2005

Am I unsatisfied?

I have been doing some thinking, I know, scary stuff. But I am one of those people who needs a life plan. I don't necessarily need to meet any of the goals/deadlines. But I do in fact need to have the security of having the plan. So, I went to work reconstructing mine because, lets be honest, I have changed. I now want and think I need different things.
Alan doesn't like to participate in the conversations about the life plan. Alan is in fact a man who likes to take it month by month. I knew this about him. But every time it shows in his decision-making I am shocked once again being that I am so pro life plan.
So, in this time of introspection and deep thought I realized one thing about myself that has always been.
I'm waiting.
Waiting for the next thing to happen. Never not thinking about what I am doing as something I have to do in order to get to the next thing.
When I was six, I vividly remember being anxious all year because the next year I was getting my ears pierced.
At fourteen I couldn't wait till the next year so I could get my learner's permit and when I had that I was almost sick to my stomach with anticipation of being sixteen and legal to drive, alone.
My last year in high school was consumed with thoughts of college. College with graduation, graduation with getting married, getting married with honeymoon, etc.
And every year after my birthday I think, Ok, a couple more months till Halloween, then one month till thanksgiving, now only a few weeks till Christmas Eve, then Christmas, then New Years Eve.
"If I can just get through ______ then I can do ______ and then _______ can happen."
A never-ending cycle for me.
So maybe I am just unsatisfied.
But I heard somewhere that tons of people do this. They are always waiting.
Waiting for the next stage.
I do have fun in the present.
But I would like to live in the present more and not be so consumed with what is next.
Like Alan . . .


yrautca said...

berly is introspective today. berly, maybe you are not looking for the next thing but rather afraid that the next thing will not happen. Women tend to worry more than men. Maybe you should just let go and tell your hubby you would hold him accountable if things go wrong. this way you'd feel a bit more comfortable with the present and he will feel a bit more responsible about the future.

Lindsey said...

The only part of my life I worry about is my love life. The rest of it I just take as it comes. It's more fun that way.

Px said...

i got rid of my throws up so many obstacles and curve balls that if i plan something much more than a month in advance it has a habit of failing

Phil said...

Berly- The next part of your life plan should be this: Go to Phil's blog.You have been cordially invited to a Christmas party.

Katie said...

the onlu part of my life that i worry about is me and chris working out for good and getting married. Or i worry what would i do if chris and i broke up. what would we do about colby.
the rest of my life i take it one day at a time. dont worry about what is next. then i will forever be thinking and that
just think about today, don't worry aboout what is next. things happen for a reason i think!

but on the other hand. i know a lot of people like that. its only bad when they put me in there

Ranger Tom said...

I just keep wondering

"Where am I going, and why am I in this handbasket?"

Natalia said...

Very reflective indeed. I think one can strike a balance between living in the present and planning for the future. And also, let us not forget that anticipation of something that you want also brings pleasure. So, let's not just discard the waiting, which is very much like foreplay. And while people like Alan cna be more in touch with the now, the lack of planning can result in a very unhappy present. So, it's all about the balance.


Sexy Suburbanite said...

OMG -- You are me. I am you. We are the same! And, so are our respective Hubbys.

Thank you for writing this post. I feel the exact same way and it is sooooooooo good to hear someone else say it! I feel like maybe I never enjoy the present because I am always busy planning the future. I must have something to look forward to and as soon as that thing passes I MUST find something else to look forward to or else I get in this depressed little slump. It drives Hubby crazy that we get back from a fabulous vacation and I get started on planning our next vacation (in fact, while in Alaska this past summer I started planning our next vacation and Hubby screamed "We're not even done with this vacation yet!") Whenever I have a big decision to make I have to sit and think how it will effect my master plan -- though I am always totally in limbo about what my master plan is or what it should be.

Anyway, you are not alone!!