Smartwater, electroyte enchanced water

"no water purifies better"
"no water hydrates faster"

"you hold in your hand a bottle of vapor distilled, electrolyte enhanced water, once you remove the cap and tilt the bottle into "drinking position", water will begin to flow through your body, purifying and rapidly rehydrating you, if you find the idea of being purer and moister disturbing, please place the bottle back where you found it and continue on your dirty, arid way"

I am not lying, this is totally the marketing idea of someone genius, and that genius works for Smartwater.
There are even tick marks on one side of the bottle that tell you what is happening to your body after you drink so many ounces.

1-cells admit they have an impurity problem
2-cells seek intervention
3-cells check into detox
4-cells get therapy for toxin withdrawal
5-cells are released from rehab
6-cells are cleaner than a christian rock song
7-cell-ebration

Now who doesn't want to buy a bottle of water that actually congratulates you on your purchase. I think it is important to feel as though you have done well in spending your money. And I won't lie. I am now addicted to this electrolyte enhanced water. Or maybe the bottle. Whatever.

Something I found to pass on

I find number seventeen to be the most important. Mostly because I do this. All the time.

1. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

2. Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt."

3. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

4. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

5. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

6. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

7. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

8. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

9. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

10. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

11. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

12. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

13. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

14. Stop singing and read on..........

15. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

16. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

17. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Rita Blows

A bunch of college kids painted that on a huge piece of plywood and stuck it in their front yard. I live in a college town.
The college town that all the evacuees from south Houston where told to go. My roommate's family is from the south Houston area. We had eight adults, one child, one pug dog, and two cats in 1100 square foot, three-bedroom apartment for three days.
I have never appreciated alone time as much as I do now.
The good thing, they didn't have to go home to destruction as they first thought they would.
But I have to be honest. I was in a mood for most of the time they were here. It wasn't that I didn't want to help them, or even that my house felt invaded. I kinda like playing uber fabulous hostess. It was that two days went by before any of them actually thanked my hubby and me. And really, I understand that you are stressed out and don't know what awaits you in a few days after Rita has blown through, but we weren't even asked. It was not an option for us to tell you no. And you take two days to say thank you??
Ok, I just sound bitchy now.
It really wasn't so bad. I got drunk a lot.

Imeldaisms

My mom has always had great advice. But as a daughter, it is my job to not listen to said advice, make mistakes she warned me against, and then write this post to let the world know that she was in fact . . . well, right.

1) Always look your best, or at least decent, when you are in public. You never know who you might meet/run into.

2) Never get in the car without a bra and clean underoos.

3) Don't back talk me.

4) Dust once a week.

5) Separate your reds, always.

6) Keep enough money in savings that if you have to leave you can.

7) Pray about your problems.

8) Pick your friends carefully.

I am sure there are more. But these are the ones I remember (and learned from).

Quirk # 2

I just had some yogurt for breakfast. And then I took a sip of my coffee. Ewww! Such an assault on my taste buds.
It’s like drinking orange juice after you brush your teeth.
Before I was 18, I couldn’t eat things that were touching other foods on my plate. All foods had to be separated. And even now, I don’t like when they touch, but I have learned to move past the irrational anxiety to enjoy a normal eating experience.

Quirk # 1

I make my bed while brushing my teeth.
There are times I will just brush my teeth.
But I haven't made my bed for at least three or four months without brushing my teeth at the same time.
I noticed yesterday.
Also, I walk around while washing my face and I tap my foot, always, when I am picking out clothes in the morning.

Big Salad

Does anyone watch the Seinfeld reruns?
I love them. Can't watch them enough. There is one where George buys lunch for Elaine, but she doesn't know it because someone else hands her the bag and he gets all George like about it and tells her that she should have said thank you to him because he bought the "big salad" not the other person.
And while that was a great episode, I was thinking how I am sorta like George.
I want the credit. I want to be known as the one who did that something nice or bought someone something.
But that makes me sad. Because I really want to be a generous person without feeling like I should be getting something in return.

Am I always gonna be a selfish person?

1989 called...

I spent yesterday planning a baby shower.
I was agonizing over colors and wording and what not.
Got a small migraine.
But it was totally worth it.
I got to see my friend Shana's dad wearing a sweatband.
You have to appreciate the humor in watching a fifty-year-old man in shorts, tucked in t-shirt and sweatband walk around like it is totally normal and not at all goofy.
Honestly, I love him because of that, not in spite of.
Also,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY LISA!!!

Fat Mix

I was chatting with a friend last night about how I need to just stop eating for a while.
Then maybe my body will begin to eat the fat that seems to cling to my mid section.
But what we realized is that even when we think we are making good choices on snacks and what not . . . it's fat.
Fat disguised as a good, healthy choice.
Why do the food companies do this?
If they made a snack that did not make you want to immediately regurgitate what you ingested after looking at the nutritional information, then maybe they would sale more.
Seriously!
Don't put peanuts and other healthy looking garbage in a package. Label it so it looks innocent. Have us eat the entire thing. And then leave us to nonchalantly look at the back panel and see there are not one, or even two servings of your fat mix, but 5.
And to the ladie that this happened to so recently, I am outraged for you.

An Ode

Such excitement and relief washed over me today
So much in fact I think I screamed hooray

I knew when I found you crumpled on the closet floor
My stressful mornings would be no more

For you are here to make it right
Each and every day, each and every night

No more being crazy with moods and bordering on insane
You, my Fat Pants, have brought me joy I can not explain