The birthday party pictures . . .

My wacky mom. She will hate me for this of course.

My dad, Derrell. Can't you tell how excited he is about his birthday?

Hubby and me.

My sisters.

My nephew Stephen.

My nephew Zach.

Self Checkout

"Shit, we don't have any ice cream."
"I'll go get it. The little cup size ones?"
"Ya."

I couldn't grab my purse fast enough. Probably should have asked Stephanie if she wanted to go with me. Or at least Alan. He sometimes isn't comfortable when I leave him alone with the family. Screw it. I need to be by myself. I need to calm down before she gets here. She has managed to piss me off before I even see her. That may be a new record.

"Hurry up pokey. How freakin long does it take to get out of a parking space?"

Don't cry. Keep it in. It will do you no good now. She's never gonna change. She has had so many chances. But it's like she lives to hurt, Mom. To drive that wedge between us all. Make us miserable. She can't do anything to try and help the situation. Not even show some respect to the rest of the family and show up for a birthday lunch on time. No, she has to be an hour and half late. FUCK!

"Excuse me, Where do I find the sweet n' low?"
"Aisle ten ma'am."
"Thank you."

How many freakin times have I had to tell myself to stop thinking about this. Stop agonizing over how hurt Mom must be. She is obviously going to keep inviting her over and keep trying to reach out to her. And she is obviously going to keep shitting on her. I have to keep my mouth shut today. I CAN NOT say anything to her. A. It wouldn't faze her a damn bit. B. She wouldn't listen and somehow would turn out to be the victim. C. The damage is done. What is me saying anything going to help? Nothing. God, it hurts. It hurts so much to feel like this. To watch my family seemingly crumble. We used to be so close. Laughter surrounded us. That free laughter. Not the tight, uncomfortable, there is something wrong but we should laugh to cover it up and maybe nobody will mention it kind of laugh like we do now. Does only hate remain? Is that it for our family?

"Please scan your first item now."

Do I need this book? Yes. I'll just get whatever I grabbed. I need the sweet n' low because we don't used regular sugar in our coffee and Mom never has anything else. I came for the ice cream. We are always forgetting our toothpaste, so we will leave this one here. It won't be to much.

"Your total is $20.28."

Ok. I'm gonna go back. I'm gonna put on the happy face. I am NOT going to think about how inconsiderate and hateful she is. I am just going to enjoy being with my family.

All My Children

Ok. Hope this works.

YOU SUCK!

Why must you take money that is not yours?
Why?
Why must you make semi-poor people have anxiety attacks by taking away their money and charging them bogus fees?
Why must you not actually deposit funds that person has given to your establishment to deposit when you say your going to, thus creating negative amounts in one's account and kicking in the overdraft protection?
Why must you be such incompentant a-holes everytime I call for information concerning MY money?
I hate my bank.
Of course, I am pretty sure I'm gonna hate any bank.

Happy HNT!

Why should I care?

It has come to my attention that a certain somebody I work with submits an inaccurate number of hours each pay day. This somebody puts down when she is suppose to be here, regardless, if she was or not.
There are about 72 hours a year she gets paid for when she was in fact, not present. Doesn't sound like a lot? That is $504.00 a year. That's an insurance payment, car payment, groceries for two months, etc.
And really, if I have to be truthful, that is not the big thing that bothers me. It is the fact that she consistently lies. That's no good.
I have the biggest problem with liars.
But I have to shut my (big) mouth. Smile at her. And choke on her deceptive aura.
The sad part - she is my friend. I really like her. But knowing this makes me . . . well, it makes me not want to be her friend.
So my question.
Why should I care?
How do I get past this fact since my boss is obviously ok with the situation. (Yes, he is most certainly aware)

OMG

OMG!!!!
It is for sure Halloween in the office. I just shoveled in my mouth one orange frosted with sprinkles cookie, the really good ones that make every other cookie in the world seem insignificant and one cookie with a witch's head made of icing, two gummie spiders and I am debating on what is next. The Nestle Crunch bar (mini of course) or the Hershey's milk chocolate OR the fun size M&M's.
Lord forgive me for the sugar consumption.

Ketchup Nazi

There was an awesome tent sale happening this afternoon. Tons of shirts for only $5 a piece. So the girls at work, and myself of course, headed over during our lunch break.
Because we shopped for to long we had to grab something quick to eat and take it back to the office. We decided on Wendy's because it was close.
I'm not a big ketchup eater, which is apparently good in this situation.
On of the girls asked for extra ketchup because they only put two in the bag. The lady behind the counter gave her only ONE more and then a look that said, "if you ask me for more I'm throwing bacon grease on your skinny ass".
Don't be a disgruntled fast food server!

PX made me do it . . .

10 Favorites:
Favorite Season: winter
Favorite Sport: to play? I don't. to watch? baseball
Favorite Time: early in the morning, when the birds start to chirp but it is still dark out
Favorite Month: November
Favorite Actor: Vince Vaughn
Favorite Actress: Reese Witherspoon
Favorite Ice Cream: Sweet cream w/mini marshmallows from Marble Slab
Favorite Food: ritz chicken
Favorite Drink: 7 and 7
Favorite Place: My grandma's house

9 Currents:
Current Feeling: anxious
Current O/S: what?
Current Windows Open: blogger create post
Current Drink: water
Current Time: 11:45 a.m.
Current Mobile(s) Used: motorola
Current Show on TV: no TV on
Current Thought: what?
Current Clothes: blk sweater, blk lacy tank, green leporad print skirt, blk knee high boots, mismatched socks

8 Firsts:
First Nickname: kimbo, i hate it, more than anything else
First Kiss: seventh grade, Jon, can't remember his last name right now
First Crush: Kyle Kemp
First Computer: not a clue
First Vehicle I drove: 1989 Nissan Maxima
First Job: receptionist at a hair salon
First Movie: ??????
First Pet: a gray tabby cat, max, my sisters made him mean and we had to give him away
First Shave: fifth grade

7 Lasts:
Last Chai (Tea) : dieter's tea, two weeks ago
Last Movie: dodgeball
Last Time I Drove: 8:00 this morning
Last Time Shaved: in the shower this morning
Last Web Site Visited: PX's
Last Software Installed: I don't install software
Last Pill I Had: aspirin, saturday

6 Have You Evers:
Have You Ever Broken the Law: there is such a fine line between lawful and not . . .
Have You Ever Been Drunk: well . . . yes
Have You Ever Climbed a Tree: I've been pushed up into a tree
Have You Ever Kissed Someone You Didn't Know: on occasions (when I'm drunk)
Have You Ever Been in the Middle/Close to Gunfire or Bomb Blast: does hunting count?
Have You Ever Broken Anyone’s Heart: nope

5 Things:
Things You Can Hear Right Now: the runner making a personal call on the company phone, my boss talking to another lawyer in the office, the ac shutting off, rustling papers, ticking clock
Things on Your Computer Table: lotion, nail file, mints, glasses, paper, post its, cell phone ( I had to see what kind I used), time card, batteries, certified mail supplies, etc.
Things on Your Bed: comforter, sheets, pillows, two stuffed turtles, clothes, hangers
Things You Ate Today: sausage breakfast croissant, so bad for me
Things in Mind: I have to potty

4 Places
You Have Been Today: the bathroom, my car, the office, and later I will tan

3 People You Can Tell Anything To: my mom, my husband, Lisa

2. Choices:
Black or White: black
Hot or Cold: cold

1 Thing You Want To Do Before You Die: Ride in a hot air balloon

If it was boring, it is PX's fault. I felt pressured!!

Call me crazy . . .

. . . but I miss the newness of relationships.

I miss the long talks about nothing and everything. I miss staying up late and watching infomercials because nothing else is on but you don't want to fall asleep and miss a moment together. I miss the awkward silences. The quiet laughs at each other. The daily phone calls (text messages for the daters out there now a days).

I miss the first dates. Taking hours to get ready. The way it feels when all your senses are on overdrive and your just waiting for him to put his arm around you or hold your hand. I miss when he actually does grab your hand for the first time, interlocking his fingers with yours. That incredible rush of sensation that shoots up your arm and washes over your body making you feel like you might burst with pleasure.

I miss the first kisses. The ones that have to be taken slow so you can adjust to the other person's style. And the sharp intake of breath as his hand slips under your shirt and rubs the small of your back.

I miss the attempts made to impress me. And the way it feels to know someone likes me enough to try to impress me. I miss starting something and seeing where it goes.

Call me crazy . . . but I miss the newness.

Busted

I was humming to myself as I went up the stairs to my office. Quite happy about the nice weather and yummy chicken salad sandwich I just had for lunch. Still a little upset about the Astros last night but I'm not worried. We'll get it tonight. I unlocked the door to the kitchen area instead of going through the copy room like I usually do. I thought I would grab a water before I absorbed myself in the files sitting on my desk. I look up as I remove my key from the door, my boss is there with a ominous grin on his face . . .

"Hey, Kimberly. How was lunch?"
"Great." (heart kicks up a notch)
"Do you know what happened to that bottle of Crown that was in the cabinet?"

shit shit shit shit shit shit shit

"Ya."
"Really, what?"


fuck fuck fuck
Ok, here's the thing, the girls I work with were having an uber bad day about a month ago. The hurricane was coming, one of them had to call off her wedding, I had to write a story for Sunday's paper, there were people at my house and I didn't want to go home, so . . . we opened the crown. And well, we drank it all. It was an impromptu party for three. But even worse is that we were drinking at the office. We then got tipsy and invited others to come join our party. Not so smart. I know. Do you think he is gonna fire me???

"It got drank, Bill"
"Oh, Ok then. I was just wondering."

Whew!

Dramatic?????

That's right.
Me.
Dramatic.
Dear hubby informed me a couple of weeks ago.
I got all high pitched and was like "what, I'm not dramatic! I'm . . . oh, I see now".
I was even dramatic about being dramatic.
That's no good.
And now I wonder how many other characteristics I have that I don't know about.

I'm a thief

FU had this on his blog and so I stole it . . .

Name someone with the same birthday as you.
My nephew

Where was your first kiss?
On a playground

Have you ever seriously vandalized someone else's property?
Does toilet papering count?

Have you ever hit someone of the opposite sex?
Yes, but it didn’t hurt them cause I am weak little girl :)

Have you ever sung in front of a large number of people?
At church

What's the first thing you notice about the preferred sex?
Their hands

What do you order at the Coffee Bean?
No Coffee Bean here, but I get a tall regular at Starbucks

What is your biggest mistake?
That one would take some thought

Have you ever hurt yourself on purpose?
Well, I carved a boyfriends initials in my knee when I was in junior high, and that hurt

Say something totally random about yourself.
I own over forty pairs of shoes

Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity?
Yes. Punky Brewster. Stop laughing.

Do you still watch kiddy movies or tv shows?
Both

Did you have braces?
Yes, and I liked them

Are you comfortable with your height?
No, I can’t reach a lot cause I’m so short

What is the most romantic thing someone of the opposite sex has done for you?
My husbands proposal was probably the best, roses, sweet words, candles, and sparkly thing to top it off

When do you know it's love?
When you can’t live without

Do you speak any other languages?
Not so much

Have you ever been to a tanning salon?
At least twice a week

What magazines do you read?
Jane and Us

Have you ever ridden in a limo?
Yes, and I love it

Has anyone you were really close to passed away?
Yes. The lady I used to clean house for passed away the second year I worked for her. It was so hard to keep cleaning for her husband. She was more than just someone I cleaned for.

Do you watch MTV?
Incessantly

What's something that really annoys you?
Stupid people

What's something you really like?
Salty foods

Do you like Michael Jackson?
I would have to say no. It really creeps me out how his nose looks like it fell off.

Can you dance?
Am I drunk?

What's the latest you have ever stayed up?
I was awake for two days making my mom her birthday present one year. My sisters and I were doing a scrapbook that took forever

Have you ever been rushed by an ambulance into the emergency room?
No, but I thought I was going to have to be once

Do you actually read these when other people fill them out?
Always

Reasons why I am not a Lady

. . . in no particular order

1) Road-rage
2) I talk about poo, poo cycles, poo types, all things poo related.
3) No clue as to which fork you are suppose to use for your salad.
4) I have a sailor mouth.
5) I'll drink beer from a can.
6) I have and will continue to burp, in public.

A Thought

My husband and I ( and when I say my husband and I, I mean me and he was there listening to what I have to say) had a very deep and soul reaching talk on Saturday.
Of course, it was induced by the many beers we had to drink in order to make it through the reception we were attending.
And while I enjoy those talks with him and we are all lovey on each other and what not, I feel worse for having it.
None of my fears, questions, etc., none of them, were resolved or addressed. That would require some input from hubby.
I have only managed to accumulate new fears and questions. A lot of them things I know he can't fix, and not wanting him to, but a reassuring word now and then. That would do for me.

Sing along

If your heavy and you know it clap your hands *clap* *clap*
If your heavy and you know it clap your hands *clap* *clap*
If your heavy and you know it then your thighs will surely show it, if your heavy and you know it clap your hands *clap* *clap*

The VCR ate my pilates tape. I have no motivation to get up early and "better" myself now. At least when I had the tape I felt guilty with it sitting there, judging me, telling me to get my ass moving.

out of order

I Can't eat anything because my tummy hurts.
It went on strike due to the virus. The one my husband had and decided it would be fun to give to me. Jerk!
I had to go home early from work on Monday and stayed home Tuesday.
Day three of virus, should have stayed home, ended up coming to work anyway. I can't do anything right today. And things are taking me twice as long to do. I am suppose to be paying the bills right now.
You see how that is working out for me.
This feels like the day that would never end.
I am starting to feel a little guilty for being paid today. I just went comatose in my chair for like 25 minutes.
Gross. I drooled.

Smartwater, electroyte enchanced water

"no water purifies better"
"no water hydrates faster"

"you hold in your hand a bottle of vapor distilled, electrolyte enhanced water, once you remove the cap and tilt the bottle into "drinking position", water will begin to flow through your body, purifying and rapidly rehydrating you, if you find the idea of being purer and moister disturbing, please place the bottle back where you found it and continue on your dirty, arid way"

I am not lying, this is totally the marketing idea of someone genius, and that genius works for Smartwater.
There are even tick marks on one side of the bottle that tell you what is happening to your body after you drink so many ounces.

1-cells admit they have an impurity problem
2-cells seek intervention
3-cells check into detox
4-cells get therapy for toxin withdrawal
5-cells are released from rehab
6-cells are cleaner than a christian rock song
7-cell-ebration

Now who doesn't want to buy a bottle of water that actually congratulates you on your purchase. I think it is important to feel as though you have done well in spending your money. And I won't lie. I am now addicted to this electrolyte enhanced water. Or maybe the bottle. Whatever.

Something I found to pass on

I find number seventeen to be the most important. Mostly because I do this. All the time.

1. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

2. Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt."

3. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

4. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

5. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

6. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

7. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

8. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

9. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

10. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

11. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

12. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

13. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

14. Stop singing and read on..........

15. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

16. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

17. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Rita Blows

A bunch of college kids painted that on a huge piece of plywood and stuck it in their front yard. I live in a college town.
The college town that all the evacuees from south Houston where told to go. My roommate's family is from the south Houston area. We had eight adults, one child, one pug dog, and two cats in 1100 square foot, three-bedroom apartment for three days.
I have never appreciated alone time as much as I do now.
The good thing, they didn't have to go home to destruction as they first thought they would.
But I have to be honest. I was in a mood for most of the time they were here. It wasn't that I didn't want to help them, or even that my house felt invaded. I kinda like playing uber fabulous hostess. It was that two days went by before any of them actually thanked my hubby and me. And really, I understand that you are stressed out and don't know what awaits you in a few days after Rita has blown through, but we weren't even asked. It was not an option for us to tell you no. And you take two days to say thank you??
Ok, I just sound bitchy now.
It really wasn't so bad. I got drunk a lot.

Imeldaisms

My mom has always had great advice. But as a daughter, it is my job to not listen to said advice, make mistakes she warned me against, and then write this post to let the world know that she was in fact . . . well, right.

1) Always look your best, or at least decent, when you are in public. You never know who you might meet/run into.

2) Never get in the car without a bra and clean underoos.

3) Don't back talk me.

4) Dust once a week.

5) Separate your reds, always.

6) Keep enough money in savings that if you have to leave you can.

7) Pray about your problems.

8) Pick your friends carefully.

I am sure there are more. But these are the ones I remember (and learned from).

Quirk # 2

I just had some yogurt for breakfast. And then I took a sip of my coffee. Ewww! Such an assault on my taste buds.
It’s like drinking orange juice after you brush your teeth.
Before I was 18, I couldn’t eat things that were touching other foods on my plate. All foods had to be separated. And even now, I don’t like when they touch, but I have learned to move past the irrational anxiety to enjoy a normal eating experience.

Quirk # 1

I make my bed while brushing my teeth.
There are times I will just brush my teeth.
But I haven't made my bed for at least three or four months without brushing my teeth at the same time.
I noticed yesterday.
Also, I walk around while washing my face and I tap my foot, always, when I am picking out clothes in the morning.

Big Salad

Does anyone watch the Seinfeld reruns?
I love them. Can't watch them enough. There is one where George buys lunch for Elaine, but she doesn't know it because someone else hands her the bag and he gets all George like about it and tells her that she should have said thank you to him because he bought the "big salad" not the other person.
And while that was a great episode, I was thinking how I am sorta like George.
I want the credit. I want to be known as the one who did that something nice or bought someone something.
But that makes me sad. Because I really want to be a generous person without feeling like I should be getting something in return.

Am I always gonna be a selfish person?

1989 called...

I spent yesterday planning a baby shower.
I was agonizing over colors and wording and what not.
Got a small migraine.
But it was totally worth it.
I got to see my friend Shana's dad wearing a sweatband.
You have to appreciate the humor in watching a fifty-year-old man in shorts, tucked in t-shirt and sweatband walk around like it is totally normal and not at all goofy.
Honestly, I love him because of that, not in spite of.
Also,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY LISA!!!

Fat Mix

I was chatting with a friend last night about how I need to just stop eating for a while.
Then maybe my body will begin to eat the fat that seems to cling to my mid section.
But what we realized is that even when we think we are making good choices on snacks and what not . . . it's fat.
Fat disguised as a good, healthy choice.
Why do the food companies do this?
If they made a snack that did not make you want to immediately regurgitate what you ingested after looking at the nutritional information, then maybe they would sale more.
Seriously!
Don't put peanuts and other healthy looking garbage in a package. Label it so it looks innocent. Have us eat the entire thing. And then leave us to nonchalantly look at the back panel and see there are not one, or even two servings of your fat mix, but 5.
And to the ladie that this happened to so recently, I am outraged for you.

An Ode

Such excitement and relief washed over me today
So much in fact I think I screamed hooray

I knew when I found you crumpled on the closet floor
My stressful mornings would be no more

For you are here to make it right
Each and every day, each and every night

No more being crazy with moods and bordering on insane
You, my Fat Pants, have brought me joy I can not explain

The River

Alan's boss invited us to camp and float the river with a huge group of people. We said sure. Sounds like fun.
Did you know that behavior on the river closely resembles the behavior one would find on Bourbon street in the middle of Mardi Gras?
Boobs everywhere.
One guy in our group was in charge of the jello shots and he decided to hand out a shot for each boob he got to see. Many a stranger took him up on his generous offer.
By the time he made it up to the camp site, he couldn't even remember the total number of boobs he was shown. Of course, that could have something to do with the fact that he was passing out drunk at that point.
Apparently, for every shot he gave away, he took one as well.
After dinner, all the drunk people wanted to go dancing. I opted to sit by the citronella camp fire and get tipsy with rum and coke.
And in true camping fashion, I poured citronella wax on my foot in the process of moving the candle to the center of our circle. No mosquitos for me.

Two gray hairs

Things that used to be funny to me, are not.
People I used to love to be around, annoy me.
And all these little things that I used to want and strive for, mean nothing to me.
I just want to like my job, love my husband, go to sleep early, have enough money to not be worried all the time, spend a few nights out of the year with my friends, and drink a good cup of coffee in the morning. (oh! and be skinny of course, but I don't think that will ever go away, even with age)
Does that sound old to you?
Because it sounds old to me. And I think maybe my views and reactions to things are changing because I am getting old. Which I know, I should embrace,and blah, blah, blah.
But seriously, it scares me. Quite frightful indeed.
Good news, my broker gave me hella good advice the other day about retirement . . . I'm gonna be millionaire when I am 65.

SHIT!

I just found out that my Grandmother did in fact send a card but it was to the wrong address so it got returned to her today.
Don't I feel like the biggest bitch ever!

WTF?

My grandma forgot my b-day.
And really, I shouldn't be upset because it just makes me sound selfish, but it really hurts my feelings.
Plus, I as totally counting on her $50 to buy a new outfit for a wedding I have to go to.
I talked to her yesterday to wish her a happy b-day and nothing about my b-day was mentioned.
No, "sorry I forgot honey, your card is in the mail".
Dammit grandma!

Noise

I think my coffee may be to strong.
I almost gave myself a heart attack this morning when I came into the office. I am, of course, the first one there so it is dark and I have to make my way to the front door to turn on the lights.
While doing so this morning, I imagined someone had followed me and gotten in before the back door closed. I kept hearing these noises that I couldn't place.
Then I couldn't see anyone behind me, so it had to be a ghost.
Right?
I mean, if you are for sure hearing noises, can't see anyone, know you are alone, then it has to be that a ghost is around.
But in reality, it was the runners radio. She left it on last night.
And my imagination might be ever so heighten because I am still afraid of the dark and being alone in it.
Whatever.
I hear being scared raises your metabolism.

OUCH!!

Alan was being so super sweet last night, since it was MY birthday and all. He decided to give me a massage with my most favorite smelly lotion.
Problem?
Yes.
He kinda forgot about my whole second degree burn thing on my leg and rubbed off one of the blisters.
Smelly lotion burned my burn. I wanted to cry. But he felt really bad. And really, he didn't mean to.
But I am wondering how bad that is for the whole healing process. Any thoughts?

33 Yaupon Loop

So . . . for my b-day we went camping. Courtney's blog really sums up the experience, check it out.
thoughts-on-life.blogspot.com
I just wanted to add, that on friday while we were putting up the tents (not a good thing in the dark) I ran into the propane lamp that Alan bought us and have second degree burns on my legs.
I look like a burn victim!!!
Happy birthday me.

Carrer Woman "Kim"

I went for a second interview with a law office yesterday. My first was back in January. They filled the position with someone who had experience. They called me a few days ago wanting to know if I was still interested in a position with them. I was.
I am now a legal assistant for the law office of Bill Youngkin.
That's right.
I got the job.
I am super excited.
Wanted to pee myself.
I have dreams of greatness and a relief beyond words to know that I will not be one day without a job.
Since my old job found somebody yesterday to replace me, I don't have to finish my last week. And well, of course Mr. Youngkin wants me to start working as soon as I can.
Which will be Monday.
Monday I shall start a new life.
Or so it feels.

Downer-one of the lawyers called me Kim. Do I correct him on Monday or just let it be?

I give you 4.25 stars!

I just got back from San Antonio.
Alan and I went on a mini vacation to celebrate our two-year anniversary. Neither of us had a clue what to get one another, so we took a trip.
So much fun.
Went to the Zoo. Saw some monkeys and turtles.
Ate some Mexican food on the river. Walked around. Ate some more Mexican food on the river. Very good there you know.
And then last night around 11pm the fire alarm goes off in our hotel and they evacuate everyone. I am yelling at Alan to hold on and don't leave I am sans bra and am not evacuating till I get one on.
So there we are, sitting under trees on a rock ledge, in our pjs, with birds pooping on us. But at least I hadn't been evacuated from my reception and can't sit down because of my oh so very white dress. Poor girl. Actually, there were three of them.
We finally get to go in after an hour of watching the firemen calmly and slowly walk into and out the hotel several times. Looking like they weren't working at all.
We have to take the stairs. I get claustrophobic when elevators are really packed.
Did I tell you we were on the ninth floor?
Plus side: We wake up to a letter telling us last night's stay will be reduced by fifty percent because of the inconvenience caused by one of their air conditioners blowing up.
Also, they only charged us for one day of valet parking.

Career Change???

I quit my job.
That's right.
In three weeks I shall have a new job.
Or I shall be a nervous wreck trying to find one.
Whichever it is, I feel so free right now. I feel like I can do anything. I can accomplish whatever task I set my mind to. I feel like I am a new and happier woman.
I feel a little nauseated. That could be from the amount of coffee I have just had on an empty stomach though.
I won't let it worry me. Not today.
The first day I search for a new or improved position in life!
If it is not to much trouble, please send good vibes my way. Feeling a little apprehensive. Starting to second guess myself.
Damn mind. Stop thinking!

Zachery Alan

My friend Heather had her baby. July 13th. He was 8 lbs 2 oz and 20 and a quarter inches long.
Her and her husband Brett have this glow about them that is undescribable. If that's a word.
I am such the envious person these days.
Zach is perfect. And so tiny. And I already love him so very much.
It is so different to be an "aunt" to a friend's baby then it is to your siblings. I am much more afraid of messing up.
I wish I had a picture to download. I can't even explain the beauty of this child.

Gas Station It Is

I have this friend. I won't tell you his name because I am honestly going to describe something he should be ashamed of. He won't because that is the kind of guy he is. But he should be.
He lives about two hours from me. So before I get on the road to his house I had coffee and a huge diet coke. About ten minutes from his house I have to potty. Naturally. Well, Paige is with me and she has been to his house. She informs me that it might be in my best interest to use a gas station bathroom. Seriously??!! Yuck! The town we are in is certainly not known for their cleanliness.
I can't find suitable gas station.
"Are you sure it is that bad?" I ask her innocently. I mean, he is a boy, so it probably isn't clean, but I've done worse.
So we arrive and he points me in direction of bathroom.
The floor is dirty, potty not so bad.
I have decided I will attempt usage.
It has a smell I can't really place.
I sit on toilet.
It moves.
A lot.
I thought I had broken the damn thing.
It almost threw me off.
I had to brace myself by holding my hands against the wall in front of me.
Which isn't clean either by the way.
Then, when I have managed to wipe and stay on toilet without dripping on myself, I go to flush. But it won't.
I have to reach my hand in the tank part and pull up on the chain.
Didn't I feel classy.
After I rinsed my hands I noticed there was nothing to wipe them off on, except for the crusted towels lying about.
I passed. My jeans worked well enough.

Rethinking

I have really been good about getting up in the morning and going to walk/jog and then some mornings following that with a little Pilates. But I am rethinking the whole thing.
Reasons?
There are few. But what else do I have to complain about?
1. I haven't lost any weight because of exercise
2. My heart does not feel healthier
3. I am tired
4. I am hungrier during the day
5. Odd muscles are randomly sore
6. I get freaked out every morning when leaving my complex because this totally strange person has taken to putting out a statue of an Owl at dusk and removing it before the sun totally comes up. I know this is a statue. But the damn thing scares me nonetheless.
7. A skunk almost got me yesterday. Fast little critter.
8. And today, I saw a bug that would be the devil if the devil were in bug form. I almost stepped on it. Instead I veered and screamed. I'm sure the people who live in that neighborhood were thankful that I alerted them to the dangerous bug situation so early in the morning.

Texas Pneumatic Tools

For years now, I have passed a place called Texas Pneumatic Tools on my way home and to my grandmother's house. I never really thought about it. It was just one of those nice red brick complexes with manicured lawns and high white iron fences.
So yesterday on our way back from Dallas, Alan is driving and I start to think about this Pneumatic Tools place.
Well, seing as how I am stupid and and unlearned about anything except what is already in my own little world, I ask him, "what is that place?"
He informs me that Texas Pneumatic Tools is what we laymen would refer to as a looney bin.
Strange.
Not sure if I totally believe him.
He knows I am gulliable so he could be telling me anything.
But then again, that would explain the fences.
Does anyone know for sure?
Tell me. Please.

Whenever I drive for a long period of time, my mind automatically switches to deep mode and I address feelings and thoughts that I normally suppress because I have not the time to entertain them.
Point.
I realized this weekend as I was driving to Houston, and much of the surrounding cities, that I miss my friends.
Of course I have some friends in town that I talk to and hang out with. But I miss my college friends. We were such a fun circle. And I really don't feel like myself without them in my life.
Damn, I hate growing up.
I miss Courtney and the crazy way she had of making something ordinary into something funny or dramatic.
I miss Laurie and her quiet reserved manner. And the way she could never poop unless she was alone in the dorm.
I miss Shana "in the raw". You always knew exactly how she felt about something. That girl rarely holds back.
I miss Sandra and her constipation.
I miss Dianne and her prim and proper way.
I miss Lisa. My first best friend. The girl who taught me it was okay to be silly and okay to be myself. Even if the world wasn't ready for me.
No matter who I meet or make friends with now doesn't compare to these ladies. And I miss them with all my being.
And I miss who I was with them around.

*sigh*

Ok
10 days
I spent 10 days in a luxurious suite at the fabulous Rio Hotel and Casino.
I miss it already.
Was totally glad to be back in the same time zone as my hubby and to spend some alone time with him. But Vegas totally spoke to my wild, carefree side. I was actually sad when we were driving away. I left a piece of myself there.
So much happened, I can't even begin to blog about.
But there is one night I must share.
Lisa came to visit the first weekend we were there. Super cool. So much fun. We got to see naked men together.
Anyhoo, the first night she gets there we go to the Voodoo club. It is on the 51st floor of the Rio and it has an outside part where you can hang out and look at all of Vegas.
It was awesome.
We arrive, get our drinks, scope out a spot to stand and begin to catch up on friend business and what not.
Two guys approach us. One guy, we will call him Mike (I think that was really his name, can't be sure) had totally been eyeing Lisa before so I knew he was wanting to talk to her.
They come to us under the pretense that Mike's friend needed my help to dance because he was so completely awful. Which was true. I watched him do the robot stuff. I told him to stop. He didn't. It was bad.
Anyhoo, we end up meeting all of Mike's friends and hanging with them all night. Good guys. Liked them a lot. Especially because this one guy Joe totally tried to protect me when this really scary old guy was harassing me.
What old guy? you may be saying. I shall tell.
I go the bar, Lisa needs a long island ice tea, I might as well get a beer.
Guy who is at least 60, with horrid teeth, drunk off his ass, in 1970's jacket gets extremely close to me and tells me that I smell great. "Thanks"
"No, really. Just wonderful. Can I buy you a drink?"
"No thanks, I already have a tab."
"What about a hotel? Can I buy you a hotel?"
"Um, no, I already have one."
"Really?"
"Ya, a whole one."
I then place my order while he continues to get closer, unaware of the dread and fear that I believe was apparent in my eyes and the not so subtle way I continued to press my self against the bar in hopes to distance myself.
He then begins to rub my back.
Eww! Stop! Does anyone see this????
They do not.
Old nasty then picks up my drink.
"That's mine!"
"Oh sorry" Slaps down a hundred.
"No, that's ok, I already paid for it."
"Well, fine then." He says this with a little bit of an attitude, like I was rude to him or something!
I run back to group. Tell Joe. He stands in the way to block Old nasty's view of me.
A shower was needed.
But wait. It gets better.
Lisa, Paige and I are at the pool the next day. I go to the bar (maybe that was my problem) to get Paige a strawberry margarita.
And who is sitting at the end on a bar stool . . . drunk???
That's right. Old nasty.
He yells hey little girl at me. I ignore. Grab drink. And practically knock over some waitress on my haste to return to my lounge chair and rid myself of the disgusting feeling that has washed over me.
That was just one day. You can imagine the rest of the trip.

Two Things

Yesterday was bizarro day!
First, the pen psycho came back. That's right. I talked to him this time.
I saw him walking by the store (talking to himself) and I knew he was the guy who stole our pens. So I hid our pen container under the counter in case he came in. He did.
He begins to explain that he is looking for this certain pen. Called an Oric. He shows me one he has in his pocket. It is really beat up and the ink part is broken so I know it doesn't work.
But you can tell he is totally in love with this pen. He has a two handed grip on it. I am pretty sure he would have gone crazy if I had tried to take the pen from him at all.
Then he grills me about where he will find this pen and do we have any pens.
"Your all out of medical pens? Your all out of pens?"
Yes, I tell him. No pens here!
He then turns around to leave, talking to himself, "Okay see you later" he yells, and then resumes talking to himself.
I think he may be a schizophrenic. Such strange behavior!
Are schizophrenics dangerous?
Second, Paige got bitched out by a complete stranger in the parking lot of her tanning salon. She was walking to her car after she had tanned and apparently these two women were waiting outside in their car and one started yelling, "your gonna get tan like a mexican. Stupid mexican!" And other such things. While the other just sat and laughed. That's not funny . . . that's stupid.
So weird. Why do you care strange women?
Do you work for the skin cancer people?
Don't you think there is a better way to go about warning people than to spout racial slurs and what not?
Bizarro day indeed.

Calendar Jealousy

Every year for Christmas Alan and I exchange calendars. He usually gives me something with turtles or cats.
I give whatever I feel would be fun for the year. This year I picked him up a Sports Illustrated swim suit calendar.
Now I hate myself.
Gorgeous, skinny women now peer down at me when I am using the computer.
They seem to say, "You need to get up and not sit so much" "You know, your never going to look like I do in your swim suit this year" "Did you see my stomach? I totally have a six pack. Let's see yours"
Stupid calendar!!

Daisy Fuentes says it works

Paige and I started the Winsor Pilates tapes this morning. We are determined to do it at least three times this week, then we can see if they really work. So excited. I shall have "longer, leaner and stronger muscles"!!
Mari Winsor is the instructor for this video. She says things like squeeze your buttocks and engage your powerhouse. Which normally would not be entertaining, but at the early hour, I find it quite humorous.
It takes me back to when I used to do the ab videos with Tony. I used to yell obscenities at the tv and tell Tony I hated him. God, what fun.
Lisa and I did his video New Years Eve one year, before we went out of course.
The next day we had to drive to her family get together. Well, three hours in a car is bound to bring out some laughter with the two of us. I thought I was gonna die. My abs ached so much and I couldn't stop laughing at whatever she said!
As soon as we got there we both crawled into a recliner and took a much needed nap.
Where did my Tony tape go?

SPO

So, I am afraid to go to work today. And every day from now on I fear I will be hesitant to go. Yesterday a police officer came to visit.
Upon my request.
We had a suspicious character come into the store. He had come in the day before asking about employment. He walks in yesterday, says he has never been here and just wants to look around. The entire time he was there I felt extremely uncomfortable and he was asking all sorts of questions that were making me think he was there looking around, but for another purpose all together.
He actually asked us if we were ever busy and when that was!
After he left I called the non emergency number and an officer came out to take my statement.
He filed a Suspicious Persons Observation (SPO). He also felt the need to be completely honest with me and say that he believes this person will be back to rob us and he will hit us hard and fast.
I'm sorry. What????
I thought up till that point that I was just paranoid.
It is now apparent to me that my life is in danger.
What if he just comes in and shoots and doesn't do that whole "if you don't move you won't get hurt" thing?
Honestly, my mind in rampant with death and seriously injured scenarios. I am really really scared.

Where am I again?

We went out to eat on Friday night to the Black Eyed Pea.
For a while we were boycotting because they had really crappy service and had down sized their portions while raising prices.
But we were all really hungry and decided we did not want to have to wait to be seated. Only place we could think of to eat that we would not have to wait forever . . . The Pea.
So, we have a pretty good meal. There are leftovers. We ask for a to-go box. Waiter brings box.
Box is in fact a Whataburger box. It says Whataburger with the little picture of a Whataburger and the motto that has something to do with not making till you order.
Ummm . . .
That's really weird.
Are they owned by Whataburger? Did someone already use this container and they cleaned it out and gave it to us trying to save money? Where we actually eating at Whataburger and did not notice?
I don't think I will go back, at least not right away.

Revalations

I went home this weekend. There was yet another baby shower to attend. I guess it is just that time in my life for babies. A few years ago there were tons of weddings.

I have a three hour drive to and a three hour drive back, which gives me a lot of time to think, especially since hubby did indeed stay at home.
And I don't know if it is because I am extra moody/sensitive or if I accidentally got some acid in my food, but I had quite the weekend of revelations.
Let me share.


Revelation #1
-I adjust my ETA according to every sign that tells me how many miles to my destination. Always. Ever since I can remember I have done this.


Revelation #2
-I am extremely sensitve and need to grow some "thicker skin".


Revelation #3
-I care what EVERYBODY thinks about me. I really really want to be acccepted by any and everyone I come in contact with. And I rarely feel that I am.


Revelation #4
-I totally believe in soulmates.


Revelation #5
-There is nothing I can do to help my family stop disliking each other. I need to change my outlook instead of letting the situation make me so sad that I am sick to my stomach.


Revelation #6
-My favorite food is Ritz Chicken. And Pizza. And fried chicken. And pasta. I like food.

28 Days

Just 28 short days and I, Berly, The crazy one, will be in Las Vegas!
Soaking up the sun, drinking free drinks, parting in wild night clubs, watching semi naked men dance, and all the while getting paid.
Down side - I will be gone for TWO WEEKS.
Do you think you can get to much Vegas?

Jesus loves me, this I know

I left my purse at a Whataburger in the wee hours of the morning (2 am) on Saturday.
Yes, it had my entire life in it.
No, I do not know why I brought it in to begin with.
Yes, I happened to be intoxicated.
And yes, I had the new pepper jack chicken salsa sandwich. With fries.
I noticed I was without my big yellow and green plaid bag at 2 pm.
We were getting ready to go to lunch. Everyone was searching the house, the cars, anywhere. There was no way I had actually left my purse at Whataburger right???
Wrong.
At the Whataburger, Chaka Kahn and I wait patiently in line to speak with the front counter girl. I tell her I left my bag and describe it.
She goes to ask her manager. When she returns she explains that they do in fact have my bag! Just needs me to verify the name and what not on the ID. I do. She leaves to retrieve bag. Chaka Kahn and I hug. I feel like crying.
And I realize as I get my life handed back to me . . . Jesus loves me and was looking out for me the night before. Drunk and all!

Tears

So, I just found out that I am a really good actress.
People actually think I am happy. And I tell them that I am. And I am not.
Why?
Why am I not happy?
Multiple reasons.
Multiple causes.
It seems everything goes bad at once.
Or everything good happens at the same time.
I think maybe I would like it to be spread out a bit.
But I am in so much pain and nothing I do feels right and nothing I do makes is better. And I don't even make sense.
And I am so tired.

Screw Motherhood

There are three people in my household. Soon to be four.
For some reason I really like to take people in.
Out of those three people there is only one that does the dishes everyday.
Out of those three people there is only one that picks the couch cushions up off the floor and puts them back on the couch.
Out of those three people there is only one who thinks about dusting.
Only one that puts dishes in the dishwasher after rinsing them.
Only one that doesn't leave water glasses everywhere.
And Only one that is on the verge of a complete meltdown because she is only 24 freaking years old, works 50 hours a week, is not an actual mom (although they all call me that), therefore should in no way be the ONLY ONE!



Well, I feel a little better now.

Stay away from our pens!

I didn't experience this first hand. But I am still a little weirded out about the whole situation.
You see, a couple of months ago this boy between the ages of 16-20, not real sure, comes in and asks to look at our pens. We are a jewelry store by the way.
The girl I have working is like - okay.
Confused the whole time about what is actually going on.
The strange boy starts to pick up and look at every pen we have, all the while breathing heavy and acting like he was in a hurry.
He then asks if he can have one because he collects pens.
Strange boy tries to take the nice polished marble and gold one we have. She says no. He continues to eye it. She then takes if from the container. Strange boy leaves with a pen that we obtained for free as a marketing tool.
Then today, strange boy comes in again.
Different girl is up front.
He does the same thing.
This time playing with the push lever highlighter we have, eyes growing large in hopes that he can sneak off with it I am sure.
Strange boy ends up with another freebie pen, but this one happens to be everyone's favorite.
Nice grip. Makes your letters look pretty. Everyone has that certain pen.
I am pretty sure he goes around the whole complex stealing pens from each store.
What are we to do?
He is in and out so fast. Picks a pen and leaves.
I mean, there is really no harm, but those are our pens!
Stay away from our pens, strange boy!

Permanent Proof of Temporary Insanity

I changed my tattoo last night.
I thought a lot about my friend Lisa. She was with me when I got my original. I was eighteen. Decided it would be a good idea to exert the power of freedom from the parents. Plus, she was getting one and I just had to do it with someone else because other wise I would have been to chicken.
Anyhoo, I went last night. Alan paid. He is so great.
I got really nervous right before the guy started. Who by the way, is named Bozz. Why? Why not David or Brandon? You know, the name your parents gave you.
I have never been to a tattoo place where the guys are normal.
So he starts. I jump. High.
"Good thing that didn't have ink on it. Think your ready now?" Bozz tells me.
At least he is smart.
So he begins.
And I have to tell you, I am the biggest baby. I wanted to cry. I do not remember it hurting that much.
At one point I had made up in my mind that I was going to stop and just go home with how it was.
But since Alan had already paid and three of my friends were watching, I stayed put.
I now have a turtle on acid.

Things that make me think . . .hmmm??

-Mohawks (have never and will never look good)
-Iced Coffee
-Skinny chefs
-That feeling you get when you see an ex, even though you are insanely happy and in love with your present significant other
-Area 51
-just add water meals
-TiVo
-Britney and Kevin's reality TV show
-Britney Spears pregnant
-Models that eat
-Einstein and his theories
-lime green poop
-clocks (what would it be like if no one knew the "real time"???)
-the French
-life without coffee
-outer space
-women who don't won't a diamond for their engagement ring
-Montana
-Jane Austin's Pride and Prejudice
-Softball (it is not!!)
-sex as a tool to get what you want
-tanning beds

Family Transplant

Did you know, you can't change your family.
Of course you did. But think about that for a second . . .
Would you?
What if someone told you that for a small price, like maybe your little toe, you really don't need that one, they would replace all or some or any of your family members with whoever you want.
Would you do it?
Could you do it?
Would you replace your overpowering and controlling mother?
And with who?
Maybe Martha Stewart - post jail time, she is a "new" woman. Or Marge Simpson, she sure takes a lot and is still relatively perky.
Would you swap your alcoholic father for someone like Jason Seaver from Growing Pains.
Or would you trade in your sisters and brother, who seem to never make the right decisions, for your friends who have always been there for you and aren't able to hurt you because of what they do and what they have failed miserably to not do?
Would you pick out some uncles who aren't such pompous asses? Aunts who aren't such snobs? Or cousins that don't look down on you because of your father?
Could you replace those people?
Could you consciously change your life into something you think would be better by surrounding yourself with people who you think would make a better mom, dad, brother, sister, uncle, aunt or cousin?
Maybe the answer is to learn how to make the best of what you got. Accept what your family does and who they are.
Love them.
Love them because there is no one to come chop off your toe and give you a new family. Your stuck with them.
How hard can it be to love them?

My Friend Courtney

My sophomore year at A&M, spring semester, is when I really connected to Courtney. She was my best friend and roommate Lisa's friend from fish camp. But she is like this totally awesome person that if you don't love, it is because there is something wrong with you.
We had a couple of classes together on Tuesday and Thursday. Geology being the one I remember because we used to write down a list of places we would want to go to lunch during class.
Then we would take turns crossing off places that we weren't in the mood for. Ending up with something fatty and delicious.
After lunch we would just hang out around town. Sometimes shop. Always listening to Kid Rock. We used to jam to Cowboy. Those were the days. I can't hear that song without thinking about her.
When we had to study for Geology we would go to Sweet Eugine's for hours and drink coffee. Well, I did. On top of the vivarin. Which Courtney introduced to me as well.
I did really good in classes that semester. Could be because I never slept. Or because I had Courtney to help me through.
Either way . . .
I miss that semester. And I miss Courtney.
God, I love that girl!

What If???

I have been thinking recently about that movie Butterfly Effect. Mostly because Paige has been talking about it and what her life would be like.
So, I of course, with my susceptible mind, have also been dwelling on the what ifs.
Like what if I had never roomed with Lisa, my first best friend and one of the main reasons I stuck it out at A&M?
I wouldn't know Courtney, the dirty knees hooker. Or Sandra or Stinky Ashley or Robin, who still has that porn I lent her three years ago!
What if I had stayed with Charles. My first love.
I imagine I would be divorced and have at least two brats. Unhappy. Fat(er). I was never a good judge of men until Alan came along.
What if my parents had stayed together, even for just three or four more years?
What if I was Derrell's biological child and not just his little girl by marriage?
What if I had actually been a boy? My name would be Gregory.
I know because of my mean sisters and their taunting when I was young.
What if I had spent all my summers somewhere instead of my Grandma and Grandpa's?
Would I have gone to A&M? Would I be such a different person? Or would just my life be different and not my attitude/personality?
What if????????

Temper Tantrums

Let me just say, I think it is totally normal for someone in their twenties to have a temper tantrum. In fact, I think more people should, in the privacy of their own home of course, have temper tantrums. And I will tell you why.
Yesterday seemed to be the day determined to get my good spirit down. And it did.
I call the cell phone people. Not early because I know they are going to do something that makes me call them the devil and I did not want to start off my morning like that. I want to drop the second line on my service because my second replacement phone is still not working. I got it from the insurance company, who by the way, charged me fifty dollars. Why have I been giving you six dollars a month for a "free replacement phone in case of damage"? I don't know why sales people have to lie. Lies make baby Jesus cry.
So the guy on the phone says, "oh, well you are available for a FREE upgrade phone. Just go to any of our stores and trade in your old phone." I repeat this info. And I repeat that I will not have to pay ANYTHING!!! He says I am correct.
I go to the store in the mall from which I purchased the cell phone in the beginning. She tells me I have to go to a corporate store, which closes at seven. It is now 6:42. I leave.
I go to the corporate store.
Kevin at that corporate store informs me that in order to get the FREE phone I will have to resign my contract for two years. What????
I call Alan and he says go ahead.
Kevin, the already scared because he can tell I am on my way to being a bitchy customer, asks me nonchalantly if the representative on the phone informed me of the $18 fee in the store and $18 fee on the bill for reactivation.
No he did not I tell him.
I call Alan back.
We decide to forgo the new phone and wait out our contract (June).
Now I ask you, If I have to pay $36 how in the name of all that is good and holy in this world is this phone FREE???
I was pissed.
On top of this episode, I am fixing to start and my hormones are raging. I found out today that one of the most beloved pets in my life has passed away. I have been feeling bad about my weight/looks/personality/life. And there are people really pissing me off that I can't say anything to because it is their personality traits that are irritating me.
So I got home, locked myself in my closet. Beat the plastic drawers with my blue tennis shoe, sobbed on the carpet for a while and then undressed and went to bed.
And even though I ended up getting up and running errands with Alan, I felt so much better. This morning I feel better, renewed, energized, ready to face Enrique from Cingular's customer service department.

A Shout Out

There are so many thoughts going through my head at any given time. It is a wonder I can decipher them.
Or make them work for me. Or even get out of bed sometimes.
But the one thing I have been thinking of more and more is how every person in my life has shaped me and given me a tool to use to create this person that I am.
When I was thirteen I met my "New York Parents". Karen and Pete. They had known my mom when she was married to my sperm donor when they lived in Arlington. But then they moved back to Buffalo, NY.
And they are fabulous. The most exciting, fun, smart and loving people. With out question or hesitation they treated me like I was their own.
In the two short weeks I spent with them the summer before high school started, they were able to give me the confidence and support I needed to enter as an awkward freshman and leave a less awkward senior.
They have always believed in me and for no other reason than they love me. Even being thousands of miles from me I knew I could always count of them.
How could a girl like me get so lucky?
I miss you guys, if your reading! With out you, I wouldn't be me.

Obsess much?

I go through periods in my life when I can think of nothing but one thing and I become obsessed with it.
Last year it was death. Morbid I know. But my grandfather died and it was on my mind.
Year before was losing weight. Had to get in shape for the wedding. Didn't want to be a hippo in a white dress.
This year, still a little bit death and weight, but more so poop. Which if you think about it, relates both to death and weight.
I mean, I have always been interested in poop, but this year, I am obsessed. Everything I do concerns poop. And you would think I would keep this quiet. But I don't.
I tell my friends about my poops. I buy special tea that makes you poop. Just recently I have started to bother Alan about his pooping habits.
Paige bought me a book last night, Everyone Poops, by Taro Gomi. I am suppose to read it to my kids one day. But I enjoyed it myself.
The pictures show things pooping. I was amazed. And a little shocked. They actually have a picture of a young boy on a toilet with poop coming right out.
So, I know it is a little strange.
What are you obsessed with?
Or is it just me?

Top 5

A little list of why I love Red River, NM and why Spring Break 2005 is the best ever!
FYI: There were going to be ten, but I'm late for church.

5. Snow, lots of the pretty white soft stuff. It was probably the most beautiful scenery I have ever been around.
4. I got to dress in layers, you can never tell how big/small someone is when they are in layers!
3. The scale at home said I lost two pounds. Which is a miracle considering what I ate all week. They have a Rocky Mountain Chocolate factory there. Paige was in heaven. Still is from what we brought home.
2. My boss paid for almost everything

And the number 1 reason why I love Red River, NM and why Spring Break 2005 is the best ever . . . .I actually got to go somewhere. For the first time since I was 13 I got to do something for spring break and not just stay at home and work.
Life is good. At least for now!

Monica I'm scared!

I leave for Red River, New Mexico in less than 18 hours. Company ski trip. Snow, mountains, should be fun.
But, everyone has been talking about altitude sickness and I am really freaked out. I don't want throw up and have diarrhea on vacation.
My boss says if you drink no caffeine and no alcohol the day you travel and the day after you get there, you should be fine.
The alcohol is not the problem.
I can't remember the last day I went without a cup of coffee. Plus! We are leaving at midnight and driving straight through. Stopping only for the necessary potty and gas breaks. How in the name of all that is good and holy am I suppose to make it??
I am drinking coffee right now.
It is apparent that I like to live dangerously.

Treachery is a foot!!!

So . . . I went to the doctor yesterday. Feeling kinda of cruddy. I get there about fifteen minutes early. I always hope they will see me sooner. Or at least put me in the room with the bed so I can lay down.
My appointment time came. Everytime the door to the examination rooms opened I lifted my head in anticipation. Waiting for my name to be called. I could feel the stiff paper and sterile clean smell of the bed. My body was aching for it. Thirty minutes went by.
A nurse came out, didn't even try to pronounce my last name. I got up. For a second I felt like I had won the grand prize at pie eating contest. (There were a lot of larger people in the waiting room)
She promptly tells me to get on the scale. I have on boots and heavy pants. This is not gonna be good.
It wasn't.
She then takes me to the examination room where she takes my blood pressure and tells me to wait, "the doctor has one patient before you and he will be right in".
Another thirty minutes later, after I have fallen asleep in the chair with my head on the desk next to it - she didn't say I could sit on the bed/table thing- the doctor comes in.
"So what's wrong with you"
Aren't you suppose to tell me that? And he doesn't. No, I leave with two prescriptions and no diagnosis. He isn't sure. Me having a temperature is throwing him off, but it is not high enough to be the flu. Blah, blah, blah.
I say thank you very much, take my prescriptions and head back to work.
This whole doctor thing seems to be a rip off. I pay my co-pay, wait an hour, and for basically no reason!!
On a positive note, he gave a Z pack, best meds ever. I feel sooooo good.

What a morning!

So, one of the girls that works for me came in yesterday with a most embarrassing story about her morning.
She got to class early and started chatting it up with some friends. A girl then comes up behind her and tells her to check her back.
Unbeknownst to her, she had ridden to school and walked into class from the parking lot with a pair of crusty thongs hanging out the back of her jeans.
She says they weren't crusty, but personally I think it makes a better story.
But to top off the day, during the same class she pulled out her notebook and an unwrapped tampon decided to hold on and dangle in front of the hottie guys sitting next to her.
I turned red for her.
What really makes me wonder about myself though, is that while she is telling me this story, it is making me feel better.
Why do I get enjoyment from other people's embarrassment?
Or when people fall?
Never do I laugh as hard as when someone falls.

FAT, FAT, FAT, FAT, FAT

Ok.
I'm getting fat.
There, I said it, out loud, for all to see and gasp at.
My pants are to tight. I wear the stretchy ones so I won't be to uncomfortable.
Almost all my shirts are to tight in the arms and back and are barely holding together across the boobs.
The seat belt rubs uncomfortably against my stomach.
When I sit down, there are two handfuls of gut that roll over and touch my thighs.
I have to use more lotion than before. (Just because I'm fat doesn't mean I should be ashy.)
And to put the icing on the cake so to speak- yum, icing sounds good- my kitty won't even lay on my stomach anymore because it raises her to far in the air, so she sits with my roommate who has a nice flat stomach or with Alan because of his long flat chest.
I am so depressed.
Which makes me want to eat something.
How did I ever lose weight before?

It has begun

This morning I woke up early. Of course. I automatically wake after 5.44 hours of sleep. It just happens.
But today, Alan got up shortly after I did and we went jogging.
That's right. I jogged.
Never mind the fact that I felt like I was being punished for something I had done most of the time. Or the fact that my trachea is still burning and tingling from the extra, frantic, intakes of air. Or the realization - brought on by the constant rubbing of my thighs against each other - that I have really packed on the winter pounds.
But in all, I would have to say not a bad way to start the morning.
Alan and I have decided to "get in better shape". He is secretly hoping I will become strong and fearless so we can go on the fear factor couples show and win a million dollars. But I will NEVER be able to eat something disgusting. Sorry babe!
We also went to church yesterday. Which was a first in many months. I guess when I think about it. I am trying that whole "be a better person, go out and get what you want" thing.
And I know, I have done this before.
But this time. This time I feel different.
Last week I had a medical situation and honestly thought I was gonna die. And I kept thinking that if I was healthier and nicer and a better person, this wouldn't be happening. And as silly as that sounds - I gotta try.
Plus, Alan really wants me to wear tank tops and show my belly. So, I gotta do it at least for that.

Mr. Weatherman

What is it about meteorology that gets those weather men so excited?
I was watching the news last night, I don't do it often cause it depresses me, and the weather guy on there was so fun to watch.
He was talking about an air mass moving in and lots of rain. When he was showing the air mass his eyes started to sparkle and he did that slight eye brow raise that says, "This is really important and cool, better pay attention"
Then he gave this disturbing little chuckle and grin when he told us we were in store for A LOT of rain.
He was genuinely excited about the fact that we in the Brazos Valley are going to be drenched, once again.
When he did the temperatures he wasn't as animated.
Your probably wondering, how can someone be animated when talking about temperature. But I assure you, he was.
I think the weather man may be sick.
Crazy in the head kind of sick.
I shall watch him every night now. I am addicted to his madness.

Negative Nelly

I remember going to school one morning with my mom when I was like seven or eight. I can't remember if I was in second or third grade.
Anyhoo, it was the third or fourth morning that my mom and I were fighting as soon as we got into the car. Don't ask me to recall what we were fighting about, I was seven! Before I got out of the car my mom looked at me and with pleading eyes, she asked me if we could try not being so negative and instead be happier when we are around each other. "Let's actually try to enjoy each other"
You see, my mom had just got remarried at this point and I wasn't receptive to the new life at the time.
And just like that, our relationship got better. We still fought of course, but even at that young age my mom reasoned with me and called me out on my attitude and her own. We were being negative nellys, she says. So our attitudes changed and we began having fun.
We started a Thursday night date night. She would take me somewhere, just the two of us. Dinner, movie, anything. I looked forward to those Thursdays.

I wish I could have one of those Thursdays more than anything right now. I miss my mom terribly. I feel so lost. And I feel so negative. I feel like everyone around me is negative.
And I have no idea how to fix it or even make it a little better.

I think I might actually still be ten

Alan wants me to mention my movie experience from last night.
You see, I have been kind of restless and didn't want to sit at home doing nothing. So we decided to go see a movie. I told him to pick. He said Boogeyman. I said ok. So we go the the theater, get the tickets, and of course, purchase a water. I've felt really dehydrated lately.
Anyhoo, we make our way to our seats and I begin to do my pouty look so that he will go back and grab me a pretzel. After a couple of minutes with the pouty look, he does. Fabulous!
Alan returns right when the previews start. I begin to munch on my pretzel, I asked if he wanted any, he said no. The second preview is for a scary movie. It is then that I realize I haven't been to see a scary movie in the theater since that really bad valentine one with David Boranez (sorry if I spelled his name wrong) and the noxema girl.
Want to know why, cause I'm gonna tell you.
I don't like scary movies.
Nope.
Not unless I am in the comfort of my own home, with blankets, and lights blaring.
And yes, I am still a little afraid of the dark.
So I watched Boogeyman from behind the fingers that covered my face. Believe me, I saw enough. On the way home I joked with Alan that I was going to have bad dreams.
Around two o'clock I started to scream in my sleep. Waking Alan. The boogeyman was there. He comforted me and held me. He then got up to go to the restroom. As soon as he passed the closet door, I heard and saw it open and then heard and felt something under the bed. Alan of course says it was my imagination.
But guess who has to turn on all the lights in the room before I will enter.

Happy Heart Day

It is freaking Valentine's Day.
The day of last minute shoppers who will spend almost anything because they only have a couple hours till they see their loved one.
Aren't commerical holidays the best?

Inner Me

Well, I was watching Garden State last night. Good flick.
Although I was uncomfortable half the movie and wanted to ball the second half, with little bits of laughter and anger thrown in.
I haven't felt all those emotions in a two hour setting since, . . . well I really can't remember.
But there was this one part that really got to me. And had Alan not been sitting there with me, I probably would have broke down.
It was when they are in the pool and Zach Braff is talking about where home is. I always associate "home" with my mom and Derrell. They recently moved, so the house is totally not what I grew up in. I have no real attachment to the house. But it is still home. Right?
I mean, am I suppose to have a different definition of home since me and Alan are married? Am I suppose to only feel "home" when I am with him and in our house(apartment).
Which got me thinking.
Have a made another wrong decision in saying we will stay in College Station?
Am I suppose to move back to Dallas?
Am I ever going to find a job I love?
Is Alan happy?
What is his definition of home?
Am I enough for him?
Does he still love me?
What should I get for Valentine's day?
Did I turn off the ultrasonic at work?
Do you think the cats are happy?
How am I ever going to make a good mom?
Will they feel at home?
Will they hate me?
What am I doing with my life?
Why do I feel like I have been walking around in someone else's life?
What would my friends think if they found I wasn't really the person they think I am?
Do they know already?
Does Alan?
How do I become the person I want to be?

The Monday After

Was anyone else disappointed by the Superbowl commercials?
I, like many Americans, watched the Superbowl for the commercials. I look forward to them. But this year they really seemed below par.
And the one with the convertible mustang, not funny after you see if every thirty minutes. They really should have had something different.
Not that I know, well, anything about advertising. I was just saying.
Loved the Bud Light commercials though. Great job on those.

No more BLT's for dinner

I dreamed my mom was getting rid of almost all her clothes and tons of stuff in her house. And my boss John was going to buy it all and then auction it off. So I was like, hey I want that and that and that. She had this gold asymmetrical strapless top. So very cute, so not my mom.
Then when I went to the garage I saw there were two pink Cadillacs. One for Derrell and one for my mom. She informed me that her caddy was a little shorter so that she could park easier.
Then I was at the beach but not really. Cause I was still in Texas, and we don't have real beaches. But my friends Brett and Heather lived in this phatty beach condo and I was like wow, and it only takes you 25 minutes to get to work? That is great! And the entire time I was thinking in my head, where is the freaking bathroom I have had to hold myself for hours.
I am tired this morning. I have been all over Texas in one night!

The worst father in the world actually isn't mine

Ok
I need for you all to do a little imagination exercise with me.
Close your eyes (after you read what to do).
Imagine a 400 pound man, not showered in days, has just ran three miles in the dead of summer. He then lifts his armpit. Can you smell it?
Now combine that smell with the smell of dead rotting fish.
Take a moment.



This smell came into the store the other day. It brought with it, the most horrible, irritating, and downright strange little girl. I think she was almost four. Now I like children. But she was a breed all her own. I can honestly say I really really disliked her and when they left . . .I was happy.
While her smelly fat father was looking at coins and trying to ever so secretly pocket them (your fat, we see when your pudgy little arm makes to put something in your coat!), she talked to me and Paige and Gretchen.
Now, Gretchen and Paige have much more patience. So they actually talked to her and tried to keep her from screaming and running in the store as she was doing previously. I just stared at her. Gretchen kept asking her what color things were. She got to her pants and the girl replied, "Poo poo". I laughed. Thought that was kind of funny.
A few minutes later I realized that the little girl was actually very smart. You see, she still had on a diaper and she had taken a shit while standing there talking to us.
Gretchen then went to get a coke and some candy. The little girl screamed that the coke and candy was bad for you and to stop drinking/eating it. We reassured her it was alright if you were over twenty to drink coke and eat candy.
Gretchen then told her not to lie or her nose would grow. Something else to mess with her already fragile little mind. So the little child starts to cry because she doesn't want her nose to grow. An hour passed and they thankfully left. Poop and all.
It is rare times like those that I remember why I didn't go into teaching.
And I am glad.

Paige's favorite joke

So, these two men walk into a bar.
The third ones ducks.
Get it?

Please send me new jokes.
I haven't the energy to pretend laugh at all the others.