Another quirk

I hate feet.
Hate them.
They do, in fact, make me a little sick.
Other people's feet that is.
I'm okay with mine.
Well, I was okay with them until my freshman year in college. My roommate pointed out to me that my feet have a strange resemblance to Barney Rubble’s feet.
That may very well be. But I think you will all agree that hubby's are just a tad more disturbing (freakishly long and skinny) than my Barney toes.

Shitlergy

Shitlergy - an allergy to the smell of shit. Symptoms include gagging, covering nose, squinty eyes and in some cases vomiting.

We went to dinner last night at a well known place, Cheddars. They have huge margaritas and yummy spinach dip.
Well, I get out of the car and the smell of rotting shit immediately fills my nostrils. I cover my nose. No help. I walk fast to get inside. I say to Paige and Alan, "Do the people out here not smell this?".
It was bad.
We get inside. Ten minute wait.
More people come in. Shit smell hits us again.
I cover my nose once more.
So, we get seated, I have a huge margarita and spinach dip, two bites of my salad, ask for a to-go box, pay the bill and head out.
SHIT! ROTTING SHIT!
I gag. Almost lose my tasty dinner. I smell shit all the way home. It is like the odor is attached to me.
Ewww.
Seriously.
Worst post dinner experience ever.
EVER.

Electronically Challenged

I live in a house with Alan, the computer guy, so I am never at a loss as to how to work something electronic. He just knows. If it is electronic - he can work it. I realize that not everyone has an Alan in their house. Like my parents.
Who have sticky notes all over their DVD and Satellite box.
Each telling them what buttons to press when and for what function.
They have had this system well over a year.
Since I don't go home much, I don't really pay attention to that kind of stuff. And my sister and Alan are usually talking about their sticky notes. Me being oblivious and having an Alan to work my electronics thought they were joking.
But alas, they were not.
Monday afternoon we are all watching a cooking show and Big Sissy says something about their sticky notes. I give a little chuckle, and then happen to actually look at the DVD and Satellite box.
Little yellow sticky notes.
Everywhere.

Am I unsatisfied?

I have been doing some thinking, I know, scary stuff. But I am one of those people who needs a life plan. I don't necessarily need to meet any of the goals/deadlines. But I do in fact need to have the security of having the plan. So, I went to work reconstructing mine because, lets be honest, I have changed. I now want and think I need different things.
Alan doesn't like to participate in the conversations about the life plan. Alan is in fact a man who likes to take it month by month. I knew this about him. But every time it shows in his decision-making I am shocked once again being that I am so pro life plan.
So, in this time of introspection and deep thought I realized one thing about myself that has always been.
I'm waiting.
Waiting for the next thing to happen. Never not thinking about what I am doing as something I have to do in order to get to the next thing.
When I was six, I vividly remember being anxious all year because the next year I was getting my ears pierced.
At fourteen I couldn't wait till the next year so I could get my learner's permit and when I had that I was almost sick to my stomach with anticipation of being sixteen and legal to drive, alone.
My last year in high school was consumed with thoughts of college. College with graduation, graduation with getting married, getting married with honeymoon, etc.
And every year after my birthday I think, Ok, a couple more months till Halloween, then one month till thanksgiving, now only a few weeks till Christmas Eve, then Christmas, then New Years Eve.
"If I can just get through ______ then I can do ______ and then _______ can happen."
A never-ending cycle for me.
So maybe I am just unsatisfied.
But I heard somewhere that tons of people do this. They are always waiting.
Waiting for the next stage.
I do have fun in the present.
But I would like to live in the present more and not be so consumed with what is next.
Like Alan . . .

The other one

Not that the cats would know, but I feel bad putting a picture of one and not the other.
So this is Rosie.
This is what the bitch does all day. And this is why EVERYTHING I own has cat hair on it.

I thank God for lint brushes.

At home

Hubby and our youngest. We don't turn the heat on so the cats have taken to cuddling with us more.
Isn't that sweet.

Of course, Katara looks a tad wicked in this picture. Spawn of Satan perhaps . . .

Men in Women's Underwear

Hubby and I are watching t.v. last night.
Having a fine time. A commercial comes on.
Seems normal. Nice background music.
BAM!
It is a tampon ad.
This infuriates hubby.
"UGH!"
"Why do they have to sneak up on you like that" he said.

This is why I am laughing today.

My confession

*cough* *cough*
My car is not inspected.
There.
I said it. I haven't gone. Don't ask me why.
There are so many excuses I could use.
Let's just accept the fact that I am lazy and move on.
Having said that, my pseudo boss and I are playing a fun game today.
We have taken to seeing how many different names I can call him without repeating any of them.
The list so far:
Rusty (his name)
Bitch
G Funk
Darling
Wusty
Dude
Dipshit
Mr. Duck
Somebody
Smacky Smackerson
Mr. Smacky
Crap Weasel
Cry Baby
Crap bag
Sicko
Buzz Lightyear
Buzz
Rusty Rusty
Mr. Particular
Mr. I don't listen to anybody I just do what I want to do
Nasty

Lots of Misters, I know, but they add so much to a name I think.

Catharsis

Do you ever have those days when you are insanely giddy and happy and for absolutely no reason?
That is me today.
I feel as if I may be high.
Rest assured, I am not.
But I feel crazy today.
I have been laughing and joking with everyone from work, singing and dancing.
In general, quite enjoying life.

Perhaps that is my reward for having to live with. . . . . . . . . the other stuff.

Office Pool

It is a joke around the office that working here makes you pregnant. I replaced a ladie who had a baby last January and she is pregnant again. Plus, another girl I work with is expecting her little one any day.
We decided today to place bets on her delivery date.
You can buy a day for five dollars. I am in charge of keeping the money.
Of course, we gave mommy-to-be a free day.

I feel like I am surrounded by babies and baby related things.

Waiting

Just seven more weeks.
Seven short weeks from today I will wake up at 5 a.m. to get on a plane and leave this tiny ass town.
Forty-nine days.
That is all that separates me from drunkenness with a fabulous friend in a different state.

Getting a little scared to fly.

Ice Day!!

My boss called me right after I had got out of the shower this morning.
Towel still on my head and feet freezing I answered the phone.
He says I don't have to come into work till around ten due to the ice on the roads.
Yes!
I love ice days.

4

That is the number of ornaments found on the floor this morning.
This has to be the only time of the year I have hateful feelings toward my cats.
Stop getting into the tree. Stop playing with the ornaments. Stop climbing over the packages and trying to move them with your claws.
And stop eating fake pine needles. They will, every time, make you throw up.

They are adorable with their guilty expressions though.

Holiday Pastime

We decorated the Christmas tree last night.
It is magical looking.
My favorite thing is popping popcorn, getting a diet coke (or glass of wine, depending . . .), turning off all the lights except for the tree's, grabbing the chess board and having an intense game with hubby.
We wrap ourselves in sweatshirts or blankets because we never turn on the heat and we leave the windows open.
We smack talk each other for hours while sitting in front of our magical Christmas tree.
Our shortest game was like an hour and half. And I'm pretty sure he cheated that time.
This was our favorite holiday pastime until last year.
Then we got a roommate and demanding jobs.
It is a rare occasion to do that now days. He is always busy with work and I am always tired or don't feel like being awake till two in the morning.
Oh to be young and in school again.

Blurb

I don't know why. But I am missing my family extra this week.
All I want to do is lay on the couch with my head on my mom's leg, have her play with my hair and rub my arm while we watch An Affair to Remember.
When it's over, she'll make her homemade malt thingy and I'll drool with anticipation.
We'll eat it outside by the fire pit in the dark. And we will laugh about nothing.
Then the next morning, I'll wake up to pancakes.
My dad will have the funnies set aside for me and coffee left in the pot.
He will then show me how the Aggies are doing sports wise. I'll ask what else is going on in the world. He will tell me.
When he leaves to "clean up", Mom and I will talk about how we slept and what we want to do that day.
We will all go to a movie.
Then when we get back I will pack my bags and load up my car.
My heart will hurt again. Much like it does now.

The Coffee Pot

There are three reasons why I wake up each and every morning. Without these three things, I really couldn't see the point of getting out of bed.
They are, in no particular order . . .

1. Alan (he makes me work if I want to buy pretty things)
2. My job (I love it)
3. Coffee (it is the sweet nectar of life for me, without it I don't function well)

The first day at my present job, I knew I would stay forever. For one reason and one reason only. They brew coffee. All day.
So I stopped making my own at home so that I could sit around with everyone and have a couple of cups and chit chat about nothing important for thirty minutes until we realize we all have work to do.
Only now, the coffee pot is broken. For some reason it takes 45 minutes to brew a pot. And it only brews 8 cups when it is suppose to be producing 12.
You know what that means. I go till 8:45 without coffee. Without the nectar. I can't take it.
I could go back to making my own at home. But, well, I'd rather bitch about the work coffee pot.
The good news.
The coffee problem has finally come to the attention of my boss.
We are getting a new and improved coffee machine for Christmas.
YEAH!!!!

Blogiversary

Tomorrow is my one year blogiversary.
To reminisce, cause that is what I do during the holidays, with everything, I went back to my very first post.
Wow.
So different.

THINGS THAT HAVE CHANGED IN THE PAST YEAR:

1. Career. From retail to law. Huge difference!
2. Friends. Sadly I have lost a couple and gained a few.
3. Marriage. We had some major breakthroughs.
4. Priorities. You don't need to know all of those.
5. Hair. Got a new do last winter and I love it.

THINGS THAT HAVE REMAINED EVER CONSTANT:

1. Obsession with weight.
2. My family's inability to get along.

I have arrived

This will be mine and Hubby's fifth Thanksgiving together. And this year, this year alone, is the year I truly feel accepted to the Shearer family. A honest to God, no doubt about it, we love you and it wouldn't be a holiday without you, part of the family.
I'll tell you why.
I got to make not one, but TWO dishes to bring to dinner this afternoon. Me. The newly accepted. Was trusted with TWO important Thanksgiving ritual foods.
The cream corn. (Thank you Cindy Skinner for your most awesome family cookbook and which I found the most perfect recipe - Granny's Cream Corn)
and, The green bean casserole.
Plus! They asked me to bring the bread.

I have arrived.


(I am so freakin nervous)

Sexy Suburbanite's request . . .

This is just to say

I have eaten
the plums
that were in
the icebox

and which
you were probably
saving
for breakfast

Forgive me
they were delicious
so sweet
and so cold

I couldn’t resist

Hubby and I got a new camera, hence all the pictures. Please, bear with me till the newness wears off!
This is Heather, Brett and their oh so cute four month old, Zachary.
I'm his aunt Mim. :)
I love him so much.

Grapes

I'm eating grapes at my desk this morning.
And all I can think about is my sophomore year in college.
My roommate and I took an American Literature class together.
It was the best.
We got to review a ton of poems and short stories that were all interesting. Well, most of them at least.
But this one poem stuck with us. It is about plums being in the icebox and being eaten by the person they were not intended for and that person is apologizing.
For some strange reason we got the biggest kick out of this poem.
Who wrote it?
Where they mad about their plums being gone?
What happened next?
Who leaves a note like that?
We had all sorts of questions concerning this poem.
When we moved to an apartment our junior year we started freezing grapes to have all the time. One day I came home and there on the fridge door was the poem. Nicely typed up with no signature.
And in the freezer. No grapes.

I miss you ladie!

Surprise Party

Last weekend was great. Shana, one of the best ladies to ever roam the earth, told me about this surprise party that was happening for a girl I had not seen in like two years. I had to go. Had to.
And oh how fun it was. Hubby drove us. Which is good. Because the guy Loni, birthday girl, married is from India and it is his custom to fill up any glass that may be half full. ALL NIGHT. I can't even tell you how many glasses of wine I had because it was never really empty.
Anyhoo, Loni looked great. She knew there was gonna be a surprise party for her but she did not know that Shana and I would be there. We were a success.

Shooting Stars

Ok. I'm 25. And I have NEVER seen a shooting star.
Until now.
I was walking yesterday morning (seriously, I am so fat right now and have to do something, don't say anything, I am, I have lost the same 10 pounds four times!!) and I saw a shooting star as I rounded the corner at my halfway point.
Then this morning, I saw another one as soon as I got out of my parking lot!
That's a good sign right?

Maybe because it's fall

I feel so out of place lately. Like nothing makes sense to me.
I don't belong where I am.
My life is not actually the life I am suppose to be living.
I have answers for nothing.
And questions for everything.
I feel an overwhelming sense of panic when I think about the future, because I can't see my future. For the first time in my life I can't picture myself older, doing things. I can't see past Christmas. I draw a huge blank. Is that some kind of warning?
I want to just live. Be happy with the life I have.
Honestly, I have nothing to complain about. My blessings have been many. Especially this year.
But this feeling of impending doom shadows me. It won't go away.
All I want to do is lay in bed and cry until my body is numb with emotion. Then maybe I will have found my way out of this . . .this feeling.

The birthday party pictures . . .

My wacky mom. She will hate me for this of course.

My dad, Derrell. Can't you tell how excited he is about his birthday?

Hubby and me.

My sisters.

My nephew Stephen.

My nephew Zach.

Self Checkout

"Shit, we don't have any ice cream."
"I'll go get it. The little cup size ones?"
"Ya."

I couldn't grab my purse fast enough. Probably should have asked Stephanie if she wanted to go with me. Or at least Alan. He sometimes isn't comfortable when I leave him alone with the family. Screw it. I need to be by myself. I need to calm down before she gets here. She has managed to piss me off before I even see her. That may be a new record.

"Hurry up pokey. How freakin long does it take to get out of a parking space?"

Don't cry. Keep it in. It will do you no good now. She's never gonna change. She has had so many chances. But it's like she lives to hurt, Mom. To drive that wedge between us all. Make us miserable. She can't do anything to try and help the situation. Not even show some respect to the rest of the family and show up for a birthday lunch on time. No, she has to be an hour and half late. FUCK!

"Excuse me, Where do I find the sweet n' low?"
"Aisle ten ma'am."
"Thank you."

How many freakin times have I had to tell myself to stop thinking about this. Stop agonizing over how hurt Mom must be. She is obviously going to keep inviting her over and keep trying to reach out to her. And she is obviously going to keep shitting on her. I have to keep my mouth shut today. I CAN NOT say anything to her. A. It wouldn't faze her a damn bit. B. She wouldn't listen and somehow would turn out to be the victim. C. The damage is done. What is me saying anything going to help? Nothing. God, it hurts. It hurts so much to feel like this. To watch my family seemingly crumble. We used to be so close. Laughter surrounded us. That free laughter. Not the tight, uncomfortable, there is something wrong but we should laugh to cover it up and maybe nobody will mention it kind of laugh like we do now. Does only hate remain? Is that it for our family?

"Please scan your first item now."

Do I need this book? Yes. I'll just get whatever I grabbed. I need the sweet n' low because we don't used regular sugar in our coffee and Mom never has anything else. I came for the ice cream. We are always forgetting our toothpaste, so we will leave this one here. It won't be to much.

"Your total is $20.28."

Ok. I'm gonna go back. I'm gonna put on the happy face. I am NOT going to think about how inconsiderate and hateful she is. I am just going to enjoy being with my family.

All My Children

Ok. Hope this works.

YOU SUCK!

Why must you take money that is not yours?
Why?
Why must you make semi-poor people have anxiety attacks by taking away their money and charging them bogus fees?
Why must you not actually deposit funds that person has given to your establishment to deposit when you say your going to, thus creating negative amounts in one's account and kicking in the overdraft protection?
Why must you be such incompentant a-holes everytime I call for information concerning MY money?
I hate my bank.
Of course, I am pretty sure I'm gonna hate any bank.

Happy HNT!

Why should I care?

It has come to my attention that a certain somebody I work with submits an inaccurate number of hours each pay day. This somebody puts down when she is suppose to be here, regardless, if she was or not.
There are about 72 hours a year she gets paid for when she was in fact, not present. Doesn't sound like a lot? That is $504.00 a year. That's an insurance payment, car payment, groceries for two months, etc.
And really, if I have to be truthful, that is not the big thing that bothers me. It is the fact that she consistently lies. That's no good.
I have the biggest problem with liars.
But I have to shut my (big) mouth. Smile at her. And choke on her deceptive aura.
The sad part - she is my friend. I really like her. But knowing this makes me . . . well, it makes me not want to be her friend.
So my question.
Why should I care?
How do I get past this fact since my boss is obviously ok with the situation. (Yes, he is most certainly aware)

OMG

OMG!!!!
It is for sure Halloween in the office. I just shoveled in my mouth one orange frosted with sprinkles cookie, the really good ones that make every other cookie in the world seem insignificant and one cookie with a witch's head made of icing, two gummie spiders and I am debating on what is next. The Nestle Crunch bar (mini of course) or the Hershey's milk chocolate OR the fun size M&M's.
Lord forgive me for the sugar consumption.

Ketchup Nazi

There was an awesome tent sale happening this afternoon. Tons of shirts for only $5 a piece. So the girls at work, and myself of course, headed over during our lunch break.
Because we shopped for to long we had to grab something quick to eat and take it back to the office. We decided on Wendy's because it was close.
I'm not a big ketchup eater, which is apparently good in this situation.
On of the girls asked for extra ketchup because they only put two in the bag. The lady behind the counter gave her only ONE more and then a look that said, "if you ask me for more I'm throwing bacon grease on your skinny ass".
Don't be a disgruntled fast food server!

PX made me do it . . .

10 Favorites:
Favorite Season: winter
Favorite Sport: to play? I don't. to watch? baseball
Favorite Time: early in the morning, when the birds start to chirp but it is still dark out
Favorite Month: November
Favorite Actor: Vince Vaughn
Favorite Actress: Reese Witherspoon
Favorite Ice Cream: Sweet cream w/mini marshmallows from Marble Slab
Favorite Food: ritz chicken
Favorite Drink: 7 and 7
Favorite Place: My grandma's house

9 Currents:
Current Feeling: anxious
Current O/S: what?
Current Windows Open: blogger create post
Current Drink: water
Current Time: 11:45 a.m.
Current Mobile(s) Used: motorola
Current Show on TV: no TV on
Current Thought: what?
Current Clothes: blk sweater, blk lacy tank, green leporad print skirt, blk knee high boots, mismatched socks

8 Firsts:
First Nickname: kimbo, i hate it, more than anything else
First Kiss: seventh grade, Jon, can't remember his last name right now
First Crush: Kyle Kemp
First Computer: not a clue
First Vehicle I drove: 1989 Nissan Maxima
First Job: receptionist at a hair salon
First Movie: ??????
First Pet: a gray tabby cat, max, my sisters made him mean and we had to give him away
First Shave: fifth grade

7 Lasts:
Last Chai (Tea) : dieter's tea, two weeks ago
Last Movie: dodgeball
Last Time I Drove: 8:00 this morning
Last Time Shaved: in the shower this morning
Last Web Site Visited: PX's
Last Software Installed: I don't install software
Last Pill I Had: aspirin, saturday

6 Have You Evers:
Have You Ever Broken the Law: there is such a fine line between lawful and not . . .
Have You Ever Been Drunk: well . . . yes
Have You Ever Climbed a Tree: I've been pushed up into a tree
Have You Ever Kissed Someone You Didn't Know: on occasions (when I'm drunk)
Have You Ever Been in the Middle/Close to Gunfire or Bomb Blast: does hunting count?
Have You Ever Broken Anyone’s Heart: nope

5 Things:
Things You Can Hear Right Now: the runner making a personal call on the company phone, my boss talking to another lawyer in the office, the ac shutting off, rustling papers, ticking clock
Things on Your Computer Table: lotion, nail file, mints, glasses, paper, post its, cell phone ( I had to see what kind I used), time card, batteries, certified mail supplies, etc.
Things on Your Bed: comforter, sheets, pillows, two stuffed turtles, clothes, hangers
Things You Ate Today: sausage breakfast croissant, so bad for me
Things in Mind: I have to potty

4 Places
You Have Been Today: the bathroom, my car, the office, and later I will tan

3 People You Can Tell Anything To: my mom, my husband, Lisa

2. Choices:
Black or White: black
Hot or Cold: cold

1 Thing You Want To Do Before You Die: Ride in a hot air balloon

If it was boring, it is PX's fault. I felt pressured!!

Call me crazy . . .

. . . but I miss the newness of relationships.

I miss the long talks about nothing and everything. I miss staying up late and watching infomercials because nothing else is on but you don't want to fall asleep and miss a moment together. I miss the awkward silences. The quiet laughs at each other. The daily phone calls (text messages for the daters out there now a days).

I miss the first dates. Taking hours to get ready. The way it feels when all your senses are on overdrive and your just waiting for him to put his arm around you or hold your hand. I miss when he actually does grab your hand for the first time, interlocking his fingers with yours. That incredible rush of sensation that shoots up your arm and washes over your body making you feel like you might burst with pleasure.

I miss the first kisses. The ones that have to be taken slow so you can adjust to the other person's style. And the sharp intake of breath as his hand slips under your shirt and rubs the small of your back.

I miss the attempts made to impress me. And the way it feels to know someone likes me enough to try to impress me. I miss starting something and seeing where it goes.

Call me crazy . . . but I miss the newness.

Busted

I was humming to myself as I went up the stairs to my office. Quite happy about the nice weather and yummy chicken salad sandwich I just had for lunch. Still a little upset about the Astros last night but I'm not worried. We'll get it tonight. I unlocked the door to the kitchen area instead of going through the copy room like I usually do. I thought I would grab a water before I absorbed myself in the files sitting on my desk. I look up as I remove my key from the door, my boss is there with a ominous grin on his face . . .

"Hey, Kimberly. How was lunch?"
"Great." (heart kicks up a notch)
"Do you know what happened to that bottle of Crown that was in the cabinet?"

shit shit shit shit shit shit shit

"Ya."
"Really, what?"


fuck fuck fuck
Ok, here's the thing, the girls I work with were having an uber bad day about a month ago. The hurricane was coming, one of them had to call off her wedding, I had to write a story for Sunday's paper, there were people at my house and I didn't want to go home, so . . . we opened the crown. And well, we drank it all. It was an impromptu party for three. But even worse is that we were drinking at the office. We then got tipsy and invited others to come join our party. Not so smart. I know. Do you think he is gonna fire me???

"It got drank, Bill"
"Oh, Ok then. I was just wondering."

Whew!

Dramatic?????

That's right.
Me.
Dramatic.
Dear hubby informed me a couple of weeks ago.
I got all high pitched and was like "what, I'm not dramatic! I'm . . . oh, I see now".
I was even dramatic about being dramatic.
That's no good.
And now I wonder how many other characteristics I have that I don't know about.

I'm a thief

FU had this on his blog and so I stole it . . .

Name someone with the same birthday as you.
My nephew

Where was your first kiss?
On a playground

Have you ever seriously vandalized someone else's property?
Does toilet papering count?

Have you ever hit someone of the opposite sex?
Yes, but it didn’t hurt them cause I am weak little girl :)

Have you ever sung in front of a large number of people?
At church

What's the first thing you notice about the preferred sex?
Their hands

What do you order at the Coffee Bean?
No Coffee Bean here, but I get a tall regular at Starbucks

What is your biggest mistake?
That one would take some thought

Have you ever hurt yourself on purpose?
Well, I carved a boyfriends initials in my knee when I was in junior high, and that hurt

Say something totally random about yourself.
I own over forty pairs of shoes

Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity?
Yes. Punky Brewster. Stop laughing.

Do you still watch kiddy movies or tv shows?
Both

Did you have braces?
Yes, and I liked them

Are you comfortable with your height?
No, I can’t reach a lot cause I’m so short

What is the most romantic thing someone of the opposite sex has done for you?
My husbands proposal was probably the best, roses, sweet words, candles, and sparkly thing to top it off

When do you know it's love?
When you can’t live without

Do you speak any other languages?
Not so much

Have you ever been to a tanning salon?
At least twice a week

What magazines do you read?
Jane and Us

Have you ever ridden in a limo?
Yes, and I love it

Has anyone you were really close to passed away?
Yes. The lady I used to clean house for passed away the second year I worked for her. It was so hard to keep cleaning for her husband. She was more than just someone I cleaned for.

Do you watch MTV?
Incessantly

What's something that really annoys you?
Stupid people

What's something you really like?
Salty foods

Do you like Michael Jackson?
I would have to say no. It really creeps me out how his nose looks like it fell off.

Can you dance?
Am I drunk?

What's the latest you have ever stayed up?
I was awake for two days making my mom her birthday present one year. My sisters and I were doing a scrapbook that took forever

Have you ever been rushed by an ambulance into the emergency room?
No, but I thought I was going to have to be once

Do you actually read these when other people fill them out?
Always

Reasons why I am not a Lady

. . . in no particular order

1) Road-rage
2) I talk about poo, poo cycles, poo types, all things poo related.
3) No clue as to which fork you are suppose to use for your salad.
4) I have a sailor mouth.
5) I'll drink beer from a can.
6) I have and will continue to burp, in public.

A Thought

My husband and I ( and when I say my husband and I, I mean me and he was there listening to what I have to say) had a very deep and soul reaching talk on Saturday.
Of course, it was induced by the many beers we had to drink in order to make it through the reception we were attending.
And while I enjoy those talks with him and we are all lovey on each other and what not, I feel worse for having it.
None of my fears, questions, etc., none of them, were resolved or addressed. That would require some input from hubby.
I have only managed to accumulate new fears and questions. A lot of them things I know he can't fix, and not wanting him to, but a reassuring word now and then. That would do for me.

Sing along

If your heavy and you know it clap your hands *clap* *clap*
If your heavy and you know it clap your hands *clap* *clap*
If your heavy and you know it then your thighs will surely show it, if your heavy and you know it clap your hands *clap* *clap*

The VCR ate my pilates tape. I have no motivation to get up early and "better" myself now. At least when I had the tape I felt guilty with it sitting there, judging me, telling me to get my ass moving.

out of order

I Can't eat anything because my tummy hurts.
It went on strike due to the virus. The one my husband had and decided it would be fun to give to me. Jerk!
I had to go home early from work on Monday and stayed home Tuesday.
Day three of virus, should have stayed home, ended up coming to work anyway. I can't do anything right today. And things are taking me twice as long to do. I am suppose to be paying the bills right now.
You see how that is working out for me.
This feels like the day that would never end.
I am starting to feel a little guilty for being paid today. I just went comatose in my chair for like 25 minutes.
Gross. I drooled.

Smartwater, electroyte enchanced water

"no water purifies better"
"no water hydrates faster"

"you hold in your hand a bottle of vapor distilled, electrolyte enhanced water, once you remove the cap and tilt the bottle into "drinking position", water will begin to flow through your body, purifying and rapidly rehydrating you, if you find the idea of being purer and moister disturbing, please place the bottle back where you found it and continue on your dirty, arid way"

I am not lying, this is totally the marketing idea of someone genius, and that genius works for Smartwater.
There are even tick marks on one side of the bottle that tell you what is happening to your body after you drink so many ounces.

1-cells admit they have an impurity problem
2-cells seek intervention
3-cells check into detox
4-cells get therapy for toxin withdrawal
5-cells are released from rehab
6-cells are cleaner than a christian rock song
7-cell-ebration

Now who doesn't want to buy a bottle of water that actually congratulates you on your purchase. I think it is important to feel as though you have done well in spending your money. And I won't lie. I am now addicted to this electrolyte enhanced water. Or maybe the bottle. Whatever.

Something I found to pass on

I find number seventeen to be the most important. Mostly because I do this. All the time.

1. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

2. Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt."

3. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

4. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

5. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

6. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

7. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

8. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

9. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

10. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

11. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

12. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

13. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

14. Stop singing and read on..........

15. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

16. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

17. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Rita Blows

A bunch of college kids painted that on a huge piece of plywood and stuck it in their front yard. I live in a college town.
The college town that all the evacuees from south Houston where told to go. My roommate's family is from the south Houston area. We had eight adults, one child, one pug dog, and two cats in 1100 square foot, three-bedroom apartment for three days.
I have never appreciated alone time as much as I do now.
The good thing, they didn't have to go home to destruction as they first thought they would.
But I have to be honest. I was in a mood for most of the time they were here. It wasn't that I didn't want to help them, or even that my house felt invaded. I kinda like playing uber fabulous hostess. It was that two days went by before any of them actually thanked my hubby and me. And really, I understand that you are stressed out and don't know what awaits you in a few days after Rita has blown through, but we weren't even asked. It was not an option for us to tell you no. And you take two days to say thank you??
Ok, I just sound bitchy now.
It really wasn't so bad. I got drunk a lot.

Imeldaisms

My mom has always had great advice. But as a daughter, it is my job to not listen to said advice, make mistakes she warned me against, and then write this post to let the world know that she was in fact . . . well, right.

1) Always look your best, or at least decent, when you are in public. You never know who you might meet/run into.

2) Never get in the car without a bra and clean underoos.

3) Don't back talk me.

4) Dust once a week.

5) Separate your reds, always.

6) Keep enough money in savings that if you have to leave you can.

7) Pray about your problems.

8) Pick your friends carefully.

I am sure there are more. But these are the ones I remember (and learned from).

Quirk # 2

I just had some yogurt for breakfast. And then I took a sip of my coffee. Ewww! Such an assault on my taste buds.
It’s like drinking orange juice after you brush your teeth.
Before I was 18, I couldn’t eat things that were touching other foods on my plate. All foods had to be separated. And even now, I don’t like when they touch, but I have learned to move past the irrational anxiety to enjoy a normal eating experience.

Quirk # 1

I make my bed while brushing my teeth.
There are times I will just brush my teeth.
But I haven't made my bed for at least three or four months without brushing my teeth at the same time.
I noticed yesterday.
Also, I walk around while washing my face and I tap my foot, always, when I am picking out clothes in the morning.

Big Salad

Does anyone watch the Seinfeld reruns?
I love them. Can't watch them enough. There is one where George buys lunch for Elaine, but she doesn't know it because someone else hands her the bag and he gets all George like about it and tells her that she should have said thank you to him because he bought the "big salad" not the other person.
And while that was a great episode, I was thinking how I am sorta like George.
I want the credit. I want to be known as the one who did that something nice or bought someone something.
But that makes me sad. Because I really want to be a generous person without feeling like I should be getting something in return.

Am I always gonna be a selfish person?

1989 called...

I spent yesterday planning a baby shower.
I was agonizing over colors and wording and what not.
Got a small migraine.
But it was totally worth it.
I got to see my friend Shana's dad wearing a sweatband.
You have to appreciate the humor in watching a fifty-year-old man in shorts, tucked in t-shirt and sweatband walk around like it is totally normal and not at all goofy.
Honestly, I love him because of that, not in spite of.
Also,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY LISA!!!

Fat Mix

I was chatting with a friend last night about how I need to just stop eating for a while.
Then maybe my body will begin to eat the fat that seems to cling to my mid section.
But what we realized is that even when we think we are making good choices on snacks and what not . . . it's fat.
Fat disguised as a good, healthy choice.
Why do the food companies do this?
If they made a snack that did not make you want to immediately regurgitate what you ingested after looking at the nutritional information, then maybe they would sale more.
Seriously!
Don't put peanuts and other healthy looking garbage in a package. Label it so it looks innocent. Have us eat the entire thing. And then leave us to nonchalantly look at the back panel and see there are not one, or even two servings of your fat mix, but 5.
And to the ladie that this happened to so recently, I am outraged for you.

An Ode

Such excitement and relief washed over me today
So much in fact I think I screamed hooray

I knew when I found you crumpled on the closet floor
My stressful mornings would be no more

For you are here to make it right
Each and every day, each and every night

No more being crazy with moods and bordering on insane
You, my Fat Pants, have brought me joy I can not explain

The River

Alan's boss invited us to camp and float the river with a huge group of people. We said sure. Sounds like fun.
Did you know that behavior on the river closely resembles the behavior one would find on Bourbon street in the middle of Mardi Gras?
Boobs everywhere.
One guy in our group was in charge of the jello shots and he decided to hand out a shot for each boob he got to see. Many a stranger took him up on his generous offer.
By the time he made it up to the camp site, he couldn't even remember the total number of boobs he was shown. Of course, that could have something to do with the fact that he was passing out drunk at that point.
Apparently, for every shot he gave away, he took one as well.
After dinner, all the drunk people wanted to go dancing. I opted to sit by the citronella camp fire and get tipsy with rum and coke.
And in true camping fashion, I poured citronella wax on my foot in the process of moving the candle to the center of our circle. No mosquitos for me.

Two gray hairs

Things that used to be funny to me, are not.
People I used to love to be around, annoy me.
And all these little things that I used to want and strive for, mean nothing to me.
I just want to like my job, love my husband, go to sleep early, have enough money to not be worried all the time, spend a few nights out of the year with my friends, and drink a good cup of coffee in the morning. (oh! and be skinny of course, but I don't think that will ever go away, even with age)
Does that sound old to you?
Because it sounds old to me. And I think maybe my views and reactions to things are changing because I am getting old. Which I know, I should embrace,and blah, blah, blah.
But seriously, it scares me. Quite frightful indeed.
Good news, my broker gave me hella good advice the other day about retirement . . . I'm gonna be millionaire when I am 65.

SHIT!

I just found out that my Grandmother did in fact send a card but it was to the wrong address so it got returned to her today.
Don't I feel like the biggest bitch ever!

WTF?

My grandma forgot my b-day.
And really, I shouldn't be upset because it just makes me sound selfish, but it really hurts my feelings.
Plus, I as totally counting on her $50 to buy a new outfit for a wedding I have to go to.
I talked to her yesterday to wish her a happy b-day and nothing about my b-day was mentioned.
No, "sorry I forgot honey, your card is in the mail".
Dammit grandma!

Noise

I think my coffee may be to strong.
I almost gave myself a heart attack this morning when I came into the office. I am, of course, the first one there so it is dark and I have to make my way to the front door to turn on the lights.
While doing so this morning, I imagined someone had followed me and gotten in before the back door closed. I kept hearing these noises that I couldn't place.
Then I couldn't see anyone behind me, so it had to be a ghost.
Right?
I mean, if you are for sure hearing noises, can't see anyone, know you are alone, then it has to be that a ghost is around.
But in reality, it was the runners radio. She left it on last night.
And my imagination might be ever so heighten because I am still afraid of the dark and being alone in it.
Whatever.
I hear being scared raises your metabolism.

OUCH!!

Alan was being so super sweet last night, since it was MY birthday and all. He decided to give me a massage with my most favorite smelly lotion.
Problem?
Yes.
He kinda forgot about my whole second degree burn thing on my leg and rubbed off one of the blisters.
Smelly lotion burned my burn. I wanted to cry. But he felt really bad. And really, he didn't mean to.
But I am wondering how bad that is for the whole healing process. Any thoughts?

33 Yaupon Loop

So . . . for my b-day we went camping. Courtney's blog really sums up the experience, check it out.
thoughts-on-life.blogspot.com
I just wanted to add, that on friday while we were putting up the tents (not a good thing in the dark) I ran into the propane lamp that Alan bought us and have second degree burns on my legs.
I look like a burn victim!!!
Happy birthday me.

Carrer Woman "Kim"

I went for a second interview with a law office yesterday. My first was back in January. They filled the position with someone who had experience. They called me a few days ago wanting to know if I was still interested in a position with them. I was.
I am now a legal assistant for the law office of Bill Youngkin.
That's right.
I got the job.
I am super excited.
Wanted to pee myself.
I have dreams of greatness and a relief beyond words to know that I will not be one day without a job.
Since my old job found somebody yesterday to replace me, I don't have to finish my last week. And well, of course Mr. Youngkin wants me to start working as soon as I can.
Which will be Monday.
Monday I shall start a new life.
Or so it feels.

Downer-one of the lawyers called me Kim. Do I correct him on Monday or just let it be?

I give you 4.25 stars!

I just got back from San Antonio.
Alan and I went on a mini vacation to celebrate our two-year anniversary. Neither of us had a clue what to get one another, so we took a trip.
So much fun.
Went to the Zoo. Saw some monkeys and turtles.
Ate some Mexican food on the river. Walked around. Ate some more Mexican food on the river. Very good there you know.
And then last night around 11pm the fire alarm goes off in our hotel and they evacuate everyone. I am yelling at Alan to hold on and don't leave I am sans bra and am not evacuating till I get one on.
So there we are, sitting under trees on a rock ledge, in our pjs, with birds pooping on us. But at least I hadn't been evacuated from my reception and can't sit down because of my oh so very white dress. Poor girl. Actually, there were three of them.
We finally get to go in after an hour of watching the firemen calmly and slowly walk into and out the hotel several times. Looking like they weren't working at all.
We have to take the stairs. I get claustrophobic when elevators are really packed.
Did I tell you we were on the ninth floor?
Plus side: We wake up to a letter telling us last night's stay will be reduced by fifty percent because of the inconvenience caused by one of their air conditioners blowing up.
Also, they only charged us for one day of valet parking.

Career Change???

I quit my job.
That's right.
In three weeks I shall have a new job.
Or I shall be a nervous wreck trying to find one.
Whichever it is, I feel so free right now. I feel like I can do anything. I can accomplish whatever task I set my mind to. I feel like I am a new and happier woman.
I feel a little nauseated. That could be from the amount of coffee I have just had on an empty stomach though.
I won't let it worry me. Not today.
The first day I search for a new or improved position in life!
If it is not to much trouble, please send good vibes my way. Feeling a little apprehensive. Starting to second guess myself.
Damn mind. Stop thinking!

Zachery Alan

My friend Heather had her baby. July 13th. He was 8 lbs 2 oz and 20 and a quarter inches long.
Her and her husband Brett have this glow about them that is undescribable. If that's a word.
I am such the envious person these days.
Zach is perfect. And so tiny. And I already love him so very much.
It is so different to be an "aunt" to a friend's baby then it is to your siblings. I am much more afraid of messing up.
I wish I had a picture to download. I can't even explain the beauty of this child.

Gas Station It Is

I have this friend. I won't tell you his name because I am honestly going to describe something he should be ashamed of. He won't because that is the kind of guy he is. But he should be.
He lives about two hours from me. So before I get on the road to his house I had coffee and a huge diet coke. About ten minutes from his house I have to potty. Naturally. Well, Paige is with me and she has been to his house. She informs me that it might be in my best interest to use a gas station bathroom. Seriously??!! Yuck! The town we are in is certainly not known for their cleanliness.
I can't find suitable gas station.
"Are you sure it is that bad?" I ask her innocently. I mean, he is a boy, so it probably isn't clean, but I've done worse.
So we arrive and he points me in direction of bathroom.
The floor is dirty, potty not so bad.
I have decided I will attempt usage.
It has a smell I can't really place.
I sit on toilet.
It moves.
A lot.
I thought I had broken the damn thing.
It almost threw me off.
I had to brace myself by holding my hands against the wall in front of me.
Which isn't clean either by the way.
Then, when I have managed to wipe and stay on toilet without dripping on myself, I go to flush. But it won't.
I have to reach my hand in the tank part and pull up on the chain.
Didn't I feel classy.
After I rinsed my hands I noticed there was nothing to wipe them off on, except for the crusted towels lying about.
I passed. My jeans worked well enough.

Rethinking

I have really been good about getting up in the morning and going to walk/jog and then some mornings following that with a little Pilates. But I am rethinking the whole thing.
Reasons?
There are few. But what else do I have to complain about?
1. I haven't lost any weight because of exercise
2. My heart does not feel healthier
3. I am tired
4. I am hungrier during the day
5. Odd muscles are randomly sore
6. I get freaked out every morning when leaving my complex because this totally strange person has taken to putting out a statue of an Owl at dusk and removing it before the sun totally comes up. I know this is a statue. But the damn thing scares me nonetheless.
7. A skunk almost got me yesterday. Fast little critter.
8. And today, I saw a bug that would be the devil if the devil were in bug form. I almost stepped on it. Instead I veered and screamed. I'm sure the people who live in that neighborhood were thankful that I alerted them to the dangerous bug situation so early in the morning.

Texas Pneumatic Tools

For years now, I have passed a place called Texas Pneumatic Tools on my way home and to my grandmother's house. I never really thought about it. It was just one of those nice red brick complexes with manicured lawns and high white iron fences.
So yesterday on our way back from Dallas, Alan is driving and I start to think about this Pneumatic Tools place.
Well, seing as how I am stupid and and unlearned about anything except what is already in my own little world, I ask him, "what is that place?"
He informs me that Texas Pneumatic Tools is what we laymen would refer to as a looney bin.
Strange.
Not sure if I totally believe him.
He knows I am gulliable so he could be telling me anything.
But then again, that would explain the fences.
Does anyone know for sure?
Tell me. Please.

Whenever I drive for a long period of time, my mind automatically switches to deep mode and I address feelings and thoughts that I normally suppress because I have not the time to entertain them.
Point.
I realized this weekend as I was driving to Houston, and much of the surrounding cities, that I miss my friends.
Of course I have some friends in town that I talk to and hang out with. But I miss my college friends. We were such a fun circle. And I really don't feel like myself without them in my life.
Damn, I hate growing up.
I miss Courtney and the crazy way she had of making something ordinary into something funny or dramatic.
I miss Laurie and her quiet reserved manner. And the way she could never poop unless she was alone in the dorm.
I miss Shana "in the raw". You always knew exactly how she felt about something. That girl rarely holds back.
I miss Sandra and her constipation.
I miss Dianne and her prim and proper way.
I miss Lisa. My first best friend. The girl who taught me it was okay to be silly and okay to be myself. Even if the world wasn't ready for me.
No matter who I meet or make friends with now doesn't compare to these ladies. And I miss them with all my being.
And I miss who I was with them around.

*sigh*

Ok
10 days
I spent 10 days in a luxurious suite at the fabulous Rio Hotel and Casino.
I miss it already.
Was totally glad to be back in the same time zone as my hubby and to spend some alone time with him. But Vegas totally spoke to my wild, carefree side. I was actually sad when we were driving away. I left a piece of myself there.
So much happened, I can't even begin to blog about.
But there is one night I must share.
Lisa came to visit the first weekend we were there. Super cool. So much fun. We got to see naked men together.
Anyhoo, the first night she gets there we go to the Voodoo club. It is on the 51st floor of the Rio and it has an outside part where you can hang out and look at all of Vegas.
It was awesome.
We arrive, get our drinks, scope out a spot to stand and begin to catch up on friend business and what not.
Two guys approach us. One guy, we will call him Mike (I think that was really his name, can't be sure) had totally been eyeing Lisa before so I knew he was wanting to talk to her.
They come to us under the pretense that Mike's friend needed my help to dance because he was so completely awful. Which was true. I watched him do the robot stuff. I told him to stop. He didn't. It was bad.
Anyhoo, we end up meeting all of Mike's friends and hanging with them all night. Good guys. Liked them a lot. Especially because this one guy Joe totally tried to protect me when this really scary old guy was harassing me.
What old guy? you may be saying. I shall tell.
I go the bar, Lisa needs a long island ice tea, I might as well get a beer.
Guy who is at least 60, with horrid teeth, drunk off his ass, in 1970's jacket gets extremely close to me and tells me that I smell great. "Thanks"
"No, really. Just wonderful. Can I buy you a drink?"
"No thanks, I already have a tab."
"What about a hotel? Can I buy you a hotel?"
"Um, no, I already have one."
"Really?"
"Ya, a whole one."
I then place my order while he continues to get closer, unaware of the dread and fear that I believe was apparent in my eyes and the not so subtle way I continued to press my self against the bar in hopes to distance myself.
He then begins to rub my back.
Eww! Stop! Does anyone see this????
They do not.
Old nasty then picks up my drink.
"That's mine!"
"Oh sorry" Slaps down a hundred.
"No, that's ok, I already paid for it."
"Well, fine then." He says this with a little bit of an attitude, like I was rude to him or something!
I run back to group. Tell Joe. He stands in the way to block Old nasty's view of me.
A shower was needed.
But wait. It gets better.
Lisa, Paige and I are at the pool the next day. I go to the bar (maybe that was my problem) to get Paige a strawberry margarita.
And who is sitting at the end on a bar stool . . . drunk???
That's right. Old nasty.
He yells hey little girl at me. I ignore. Grab drink. And practically knock over some waitress on my haste to return to my lounge chair and rid myself of the disgusting feeling that has washed over me.
That was just one day. You can imagine the rest of the trip.

Two Things

Yesterday was bizarro day!
First, the pen psycho came back. That's right. I talked to him this time.
I saw him walking by the store (talking to himself) and I knew he was the guy who stole our pens. So I hid our pen container under the counter in case he came in. He did.
He begins to explain that he is looking for this certain pen. Called an Oric. He shows me one he has in his pocket. It is really beat up and the ink part is broken so I know it doesn't work.
But you can tell he is totally in love with this pen. He has a two handed grip on it. I am pretty sure he would have gone crazy if I had tried to take the pen from him at all.
Then he grills me about where he will find this pen and do we have any pens.
"Your all out of medical pens? Your all out of pens?"
Yes, I tell him. No pens here!
He then turns around to leave, talking to himself, "Okay see you later" he yells, and then resumes talking to himself.
I think he may be a schizophrenic. Such strange behavior!
Are schizophrenics dangerous?
Second, Paige got bitched out by a complete stranger in the parking lot of her tanning salon. She was walking to her car after she had tanned and apparently these two women were waiting outside in their car and one started yelling, "your gonna get tan like a mexican. Stupid mexican!" And other such things. While the other just sat and laughed. That's not funny . . . that's stupid.
So weird. Why do you care strange women?
Do you work for the skin cancer people?
Don't you think there is a better way to go about warning people than to spout racial slurs and what not?
Bizarro day indeed.

Calendar Jealousy

Every year for Christmas Alan and I exchange calendars. He usually gives me something with turtles or cats.
I give whatever I feel would be fun for the year. This year I picked him up a Sports Illustrated swim suit calendar.
Now I hate myself.
Gorgeous, skinny women now peer down at me when I am using the computer.
They seem to say, "You need to get up and not sit so much" "You know, your never going to look like I do in your swim suit this year" "Did you see my stomach? I totally have a six pack. Let's see yours"
Stupid calendar!!

Daisy Fuentes says it works

Paige and I started the Winsor Pilates tapes this morning. We are determined to do it at least three times this week, then we can see if they really work. So excited. I shall have "longer, leaner and stronger muscles"!!
Mari Winsor is the instructor for this video. She says things like squeeze your buttocks and engage your powerhouse. Which normally would not be entertaining, but at the early hour, I find it quite humorous.
It takes me back to when I used to do the ab videos with Tony. I used to yell obscenities at the tv and tell Tony I hated him. God, what fun.
Lisa and I did his video New Years Eve one year, before we went out of course.
The next day we had to drive to her family get together. Well, three hours in a car is bound to bring out some laughter with the two of us. I thought I was gonna die. My abs ached so much and I couldn't stop laughing at whatever she said!
As soon as we got there we both crawled into a recliner and took a much needed nap.
Where did my Tony tape go?

SPO

So, I am afraid to go to work today. And every day from now on I fear I will be hesitant to go. Yesterday a police officer came to visit.
Upon my request.
We had a suspicious character come into the store. He had come in the day before asking about employment. He walks in yesterday, says he has never been here and just wants to look around. The entire time he was there I felt extremely uncomfortable and he was asking all sorts of questions that were making me think he was there looking around, but for another purpose all together.
He actually asked us if we were ever busy and when that was!
After he left I called the non emergency number and an officer came out to take my statement.
He filed a Suspicious Persons Observation (SPO). He also felt the need to be completely honest with me and say that he believes this person will be back to rob us and he will hit us hard and fast.
I'm sorry. What????
I thought up till that point that I was just paranoid.
It is now apparent to me that my life is in danger.
What if he just comes in and shoots and doesn't do that whole "if you don't move you won't get hurt" thing?
Honestly, my mind in rampant with death and seriously injured scenarios. I am really really scared.

Where am I again?

We went out to eat on Friday night to the Black Eyed Pea.
For a while we were boycotting because they had really crappy service and had down sized their portions while raising prices.
But we were all really hungry and decided we did not want to have to wait to be seated. Only place we could think of to eat that we would not have to wait forever . . . The Pea.
So, we have a pretty good meal. There are leftovers. We ask for a to-go box. Waiter brings box.
Box is in fact a Whataburger box. It says Whataburger with the little picture of a Whataburger and the motto that has something to do with not making till you order.
Ummm . . .
That's really weird.
Are they owned by Whataburger? Did someone already use this container and they cleaned it out and gave it to us trying to save money? Where we actually eating at Whataburger and did not notice?
I don't think I will go back, at least not right away.

Revalations

I went home this weekend. There was yet another baby shower to attend. I guess it is just that time in my life for babies. A few years ago there were tons of weddings.

I have a three hour drive to and a three hour drive back, which gives me a lot of time to think, especially since hubby did indeed stay at home.
And I don't know if it is because I am extra moody/sensitive or if I accidentally got some acid in my food, but I had quite the weekend of revelations.
Let me share.


Revelation #1
-I adjust my ETA according to every sign that tells me how many miles to my destination. Always. Ever since I can remember I have done this.


Revelation #2
-I am extremely sensitve and need to grow some "thicker skin".


Revelation #3
-I care what EVERYBODY thinks about me. I really really want to be acccepted by any and everyone I come in contact with. And I rarely feel that I am.


Revelation #4
-I totally believe in soulmates.


Revelation #5
-There is nothing I can do to help my family stop disliking each other. I need to change my outlook instead of letting the situation make me so sad that I am sick to my stomach.


Revelation #6
-My favorite food is Ritz Chicken. And Pizza. And fried chicken. And pasta. I like food.

28 Days

Just 28 short days and I, Berly, The crazy one, will be in Las Vegas!
Soaking up the sun, drinking free drinks, parting in wild night clubs, watching semi naked men dance, and all the while getting paid.
Down side - I will be gone for TWO WEEKS.
Do you think you can get to much Vegas?

Jesus loves me, this I know

I left my purse at a Whataburger in the wee hours of the morning (2 am) on Saturday.
Yes, it had my entire life in it.
No, I do not know why I brought it in to begin with.
Yes, I happened to be intoxicated.
And yes, I had the new pepper jack chicken salsa sandwich. With fries.
I noticed I was without my big yellow and green plaid bag at 2 pm.
We were getting ready to go to lunch. Everyone was searching the house, the cars, anywhere. There was no way I had actually left my purse at Whataburger right???
Wrong.
At the Whataburger, Chaka Kahn and I wait patiently in line to speak with the front counter girl. I tell her I left my bag and describe it.
She goes to ask her manager. When she returns she explains that they do in fact have my bag! Just needs me to verify the name and what not on the ID. I do. She leaves to retrieve bag. Chaka Kahn and I hug. I feel like crying.
And I realize as I get my life handed back to me . . . Jesus loves me and was looking out for me the night before. Drunk and all!

Tears

So, I just found out that I am a really good actress.
People actually think I am happy. And I tell them that I am. And I am not.
Why?
Why am I not happy?
Multiple reasons.
Multiple causes.
It seems everything goes bad at once.
Or everything good happens at the same time.
I think maybe I would like it to be spread out a bit.
But I am in so much pain and nothing I do feels right and nothing I do makes is better. And I don't even make sense.
And I am so tired.

Screw Motherhood

There are three people in my household. Soon to be four.
For some reason I really like to take people in.
Out of those three people there is only one that does the dishes everyday.
Out of those three people there is only one that picks the couch cushions up off the floor and puts them back on the couch.
Out of those three people there is only one who thinks about dusting.
Only one that puts dishes in the dishwasher after rinsing them.
Only one that doesn't leave water glasses everywhere.
And Only one that is on the verge of a complete meltdown because she is only 24 freaking years old, works 50 hours a week, is not an actual mom (although they all call me that), therefore should in no way be the ONLY ONE!



Well, I feel a little better now.

Stay away from our pens!

I didn't experience this first hand. But I am still a little weirded out about the whole situation.
You see, a couple of months ago this boy between the ages of 16-20, not real sure, comes in and asks to look at our pens. We are a jewelry store by the way.
The girl I have working is like - okay.
Confused the whole time about what is actually going on.
The strange boy starts to pick up and look at every pen we have, all the while breathing heavy and acting like he was in a hurry.
He then asks if he can have one because he collects pens.
Strange boy tries to take the nice polished marble and gold one we have. She says no. He continues to eye it. She then takes if from the container. Strange boy leaves with a pen that we obtained for free as a marketing tool.
Then today, strange boy comes in again.
Different girl is up front.
He does the same thing.
This time playing with the push lever highlighter we have, eyes growing large in hopes that he can sneak off with it I am sure.
Strange boy ends up with another freebie pen, but this one happens to be everyone's favorite.
Nice grip. Makes your letters look pretty. Everyone has that certain pen.
I am pretty sure he goes around the whole complex stealing pens from each store.
What are we to do?
He is in and out so fast. Picks a pen and leaves.
I mean, there is really no harm, but those are our pens!
Stay away from our pens, strange boy!

Permanent Proof of Temporary Insanity

I changed my tattoo last night.
I thought a lot about my friend Lisa. She was with me when I got my original. I was eighteen. Decided it would be a good idea to exert the power of freedom from the parents. Plus, she was getting one and I just had to do it with someone else because other wise I would have been to chicken.
Anyhoo, I went last night. Alan paid. He is so great.
I got really nervous right before the guy started. Who by the way, is named Bozz. Why? Why not David or Brandon? You know, the name your parents gave you.
I have never been to a tattoo place where the guys are normal.
So he starts. I jump. High.
"Good thing that didn't have ink on it. Think your ready now?" Bozz tells me.
At least he is smart.
So he begins.
And I have to tell you, I am the biggest baby. I wanted to cry. I do not remember it hurting that much.
At one point I had made up in my mind that I was going to stop and just go home with how it was.
But since Alan had already paid and three of my friends were watching, I stayed put.
I now have a turtle on acid.

Things that make me think . . .hmmm??

-Mohawks (have never and will never look good)
-Iced Coffee
-Skinny chefs
-That feeling you get when you see an ex, even though you are insanely happy and in love with your present significant other
-Area 51
-just add water meals
-TiVo
-Britney and Kevin's reality TV show
-Britney Spears pregnant
-Models that eat
-Einstein and his theories
-lime green poop
-clocks (what would it be like if no one knew the "real time"???)
-the French
-life without coffee
-outer space
-women who don't won't a diamond for their engagement ring
-Montana
-Jane Austin's Pride and Prejudice
-Softball (it is not!!)
-sex as a tool to get what you want
-tanning beds

Family Transplant

Did you know, you can't change your family.
Of course you did. But think about that for a second . . .
Would you?
What if someone told you that for a small price, like maybe your little toe, you really don't need that one, they would replace all or some or any of your family members with whoever you want.
Would you do it?
Could you do it?
Would you replace your overpowering and controlling mother?
And with who?
Maybe Martha Stewart - post jail time, she is a "new" woman. Or Marge Simpson, she sure takes a lot and is still relatively perky.
Would you swap your alcoholic father for someone like Jason Seaver from Growing Pains.
Or would you trade in your sisters and brother, who seem to never make the right decisions, for your friends who have always been there for you and aren't able to hurt you because of what they do and what they have failed miserably to not do?
Would you pick out some uncles who aren't such pompous asses? Aunts who aren't such snobs? Or cousins that don't look down on you because of your father?
Could you replace those people?
Could you consciously change your life into something you think would be better by surrounding yourself with people who you think would make a better mom, dad, brother, sister, uncle, aunt or cousin?
Maybe the answer is to learn how to make the best of what you got. Accept what your family does and who they are.
Love them.
Love them because there is no one to come chop off your toe and give you a new family. Your stuck with them.
How hard can it be to love them?

My Friend Courtney

My sophomore year at A&M, spring semester, is when I really connected to Courtney. She was my best friend and roommate Lisa's friend from fish camp. But she is like this totally awesome person that if you don't love, it is because there is something wrong with you.
We had a couple of classes together on Tuesday and Thursday. Geology being the one I remember because we used to write down a list of places we would want to go to lunch during class.
Then we would take turns crossing off places that we weren't in the mood for. Ending up with something fatty and delicious.
After lunch we would just hang out around town. Sometimes shop. Always listening to Kid Rock. We used to jam to Cowboy. Those were the days. I can't hear that song without thinking about her.
When we had to study for Geology we would go to Sweet Eugine's for hours and drink coffee. Well, I did. On top of the vivarin. Which Courtney introduced to me as well.
I did really good in classes that semester. Could be because I never slept. Or because I had Courtney to help me through.
Either way . . .
I miss that semester. And I miss Courtney.
God, I love that girl!

What If???

I have been thinking recently about that movie Butterfly Effect. Mostly because Paige has been talking about it and what her life would be like.
So, I of course, with my susceptible mind, have also been dwelling on the what ifs.
Like what if I had never roomed with Lisa, my first best friend and one of the main reasons I stuck it out at A&M?
I wouldn't know Courtney, the dirty knees hooker. Or Sandra or Stinky Ashley or Robin, who still has that porn I lent her three years ago!
What if I had stayed with Charles. My first love.
I imagine I would be divorced and have at least two brats. Unhappy. Fat(er). I was never a good judge of men until Alan came along.
What if my parents had stayed together, even for just three or four more years?
What if I was Derrell's biological child and not just his little girl by marriage?
What if I had actually been a boy? My name would be Gregory.
I know because of my mean sisters and their taunting when I was young.
What if I had spent all my summers somewhere instead of my Grandma and Grandpa's?
Would I have gone to A&M? Would I be such a different person? Or would just my life be different and not my attitude/personality?
What if????????

Temper Tantrums

Let me just say, I think it is totally normal for someone in their twenties to have a temper tantrum. In fact, I think more people should, in the privacy of their own home of course, have temper tantrums. And I will tell you why.
Yesterday seemed to be the day determined to get my good spirit down. And it did.
I call the cell phone people. Not early because I know they are going to do something that makes me call them the devil and I did not want to start off my morning like that. I want to drop the second line on my service because my second replacement phone is still not working. I got it from the insurance company, who by the way, charged me fifty dollars. Why have I been giving you six dollars a month for a "free replacement phone in case of damage"? I don't know why sales people have to lie. Lies make baby Jesus cry.
So the guy on the phone says, "oh, well you are available for a FREE upgrade phone. Just go to any of our stores and trade in your old phone." I repeat this info. And I repeat that I will not have to pay ANYTHING!!! He says I am correct.
I go to the store in the mall from which I purchased the cell phone in the beginning. She tells me I have to go to a corporate store, which closes at seven. It is now 6:42. I leave.
I go to the corporate store.
Kevin at that corporate store informs me that in order to get the FREE phone I will have to resign my contract for two years. What????
I call Alan and he says go ahead.
Kevin, the already scared because he can tell I am on my way to being a bitchy customer, asks me nonchalantly if the representative on the phone informed me of the $18 fee in the store and $18 fee on the bill for reactivation.
No he did not I tell him.
I call Alan back.
We decide to forgo the new phone and wait out our contract (June).
Now I ask you, If I have to pay $36 how in the name of all that is good and holy in this world is this phone FREE???
I was pissed.
On top of this episode, I am fixing to start and my hormones are raging. I found out today that one of the most beloved pets in my life has passed away. I have been feeling bad about my weight/looks/personality/life. And there are people really pissing me off that I can't say anything to because it is their personality traits that are irritating me.
So I got home, locked myself in my closet. Beat the plastic drawers with my blue tennis shoe, sobbed on the carpet for a while and then undressed and went to bed.
And even though I ended up getting up and running errands with Alan, I felt so much better. This morning I feel better, renewed, energized, ready to face Enrique from Cingular's customer service department.

A Shout Out

There are so many thoughts going through my head at any given time. It is a wonder I can decipher them.
Or make them work for me. Or even get out of bed sometimes.
But the one thing I have been thinking of more and more is how every person in my life has shaped me and given me a tool to use to create this person that I am.
When I was thirteen I met my "New York Parents". Karen and Pete. They had known my mom when she was married to my sperm donor when they lived in Arlington. But then they moved back to Buffalo, NY.
And they are fabulous. The most exciting, fun, smart and loving people. With out question or hesitation they treated me like I was their own.
In the two short weeks I spent with them the summer before high school started, they were able to give me the confidence and support I needed to enter as an awkward freshman and leave a less awkward senior.
They have always believed in me and for no other reason than they love me. Even being thousands of miles from me I knew I could always count of them.
How could a girl like me get so lucky?
I miss you guys, if your reading! With out you, I wouldn't be me.

Obsess much?

I go through periods in my life when I can think of nothing but one thing and I become obsessed with it.
Last year it was death. Morbid I know. But my grandfather died and it was on my mind.
Year before was losing weight. Had to get in shape for the wedding. Didn't want to be a hippo in a white dress.
This year, still a little bit death and weight, but more so poop. Which if you think about it, relates both to death and weight.
I mean, I have always been interested in poop, but this year, I am obsessed. Everything I do concerns poop. And you would think I would keep this quiet. But I don't.
I tell my friends about my poops. I buy special tea that makes you poop. Just recently I have started to bother Alan about his pooping habits.
Paige bought me a book last night, Everyone Poops, by Taro Gomi. I am suppose to read it to my kids one day. But I enjoyed it myself.
The pictures show things pooping. I was amazed. And a little shocked. They actually have a picture of a young boy on a toilet with poop coming right out.
So, I know it is a little strange.
What are you obsessed with?
Or is it just me?

Top 5

A little list of why I love Red River, NM and why Spring Break 2005 is the best ever!
FYI: There were going to be ten, but I'm late for church.

5. Snow, lots of the pretty white soft stuff. It was probably the most beautiful scenery I have ever been around.
4. I got to dress in layers, you can never tell how big/small someone is when they are in layers!
3. The scale at home said I lost two pounds. Which is a miracle considering what I ate all week. They have a Rocky Mountain Chocolate factory there. Paige was in heaven. Still is from what we brought home.
2. My boss paid for almost everything

And the number 1 reason why I love Red River, NM and why Spring Break 2005 is the best ever . . . .I actually got to go somewhere. For the first time since I was 13 I got to do something for spring break and not just stay at home and work.
Life is good. At least for now!

Monica I'm scared!

I leave for Red River, New Mexico in less than 18 hours. Company ski trip. Snow, mountains, should be fun.
But, everyone has been talking about altitude sickness and I am really freaked out. I don't want throw up and have diarrhea on vacation.
My boss says if you drink no caffeine and no alcohol the day you travel and the day after you get there, you should be fine.
The alcohol is not the problem.
I can't remember the last day I went without a cup of coffee. Plus! We are leaving at midnight and driving straight through. Stopping only for the necessary potty and gas breaks. How in the name of all that is good and holy am I suppose to make it??
I am drinking coffee right now.
It is apparent that I like to live dangerously.